AIBU to want a good night's sleep

[Dotty1219]

I could cry right now, I'm so physically and mentally exhausted. My DP suffers from night terrors and generally restless sleep, although its having more of an impact on me then him. He has his night terrors and they do scare him, but he quite easily falls back to sleep after, and has no issues falling asleep at night etc. I on the other hand am really baring the brunt of it. On a good night he just throws himself about and kicks, or wakes up/sits up suddenly with a gasp. Sometimes he'll get up and say there's people in the house. At its worst he's pinned me down and screamed in my face, punched me in the back, grabbed and kicked me. (I totally understand this isn't his fault and he isn't in his right mind when he's doing this, he's not a violent man at all). So now I have huge anxiety around sleep/bedtime (I have generalised anxiety disorder anyway). I lay there just waiting for what happens next, if i fall asleep and he wakes me, I feel genuinely terrified. Like proper heart beating so fast I think its going to explode. He just rolls over and goes back to sleep, my anxiety makes me go downstairs and check everything several times (we've had a lot of break ins in the area too which doesn't help). Then I lie awake listening out all night. I havent had a full uninterrupted sleep for months. I manage maybe 2/3 hours proper sleep. Its making me physically ill too, my back and joints hurt all the time, I have constant headache/nausea.
Eventually i made him speak to a dr who put him on a 2 week course of ametryptoline (which did nothing really) and on Thursday she spoke to him again, and he made out that it wasn't as bad anymore (I disagree), so she said she would call again in 3 months. I dont think I can take 3 more months of this.
Its causing so much tension in our relationship, and huge rows. He thinks I'm being unreasonable because its a condition he cant help. Im cross with him because i feel like he's not taking it seriously enough because (in his own words) "its not that bad for him"
Ive asked him to sleep on the sofa a few times (which he said he didn't mind as he thinks it's comfy), but now if i ask he says stuff like "you don't love me, or you don't want me here" which makes me feel so guilty that he ends up staying in the bed, or he goes down and im awake feeling like a shitty person.
So anyway just now hes been throwing himself all over the place (its like being in bed with an earth quake) I got pissed off and kicked him back. And he's jumped up huffing and puffing and has gone downstairs. Now i feel like the worlds most horrible girlfriend. I dont know what to do anymore, im so exhausted. He thinks im overreacting, but im so sick of it. I know he can't help it, but surely its not unreasonable to ask him to have a few nights on the sofa so I can get some rest too. Sorry this is long winded.

Set up a camera in the bedroom, record a few nights, show it to him and tell him that you need him to sort this out, or you need to move to a house with a spare room for him to sleep in. Or leave.

Oh gosh that sounds so stressful. I have night terrors too but nothing like that level. It sounds like he’s upset by your comments on it but really he needs to understand it’s a problem and is affecting you very badly.

Saying things like ‘you don’t love me’ is an enormous red flag though, it’s manipulative and avoids the issue. Partners should be able to talk about things like this without the other going guilting them into dropping it.

You aren’t a bad person for not being able to sleep because of this. I am concerned about his reaction though, its quite childish and possibly indicative of wider issues.

To add, i don't think it's reasonable to ask him to sleep on the sofa, if he's flinging himself about he's likely to get hurt. Why can't you spend a few nights in the living room?

Yeah I said that to him. He said it feels like i don't love him because im asking him to leave, which I understand, it can't be nice to hear & he says he doesn't want to end up never sharing a bed together and getting into the habit. Which again I understand, and I know it must be hard to hear all the time. So i think it comes from a place of guilt rather then being manipulative. Guilt is something I struggle massively with anyway, like stuff people normally wouldn't feel guilty about i do, whicu i think is also an anxiety thing for me. Outside of the sleep issue we do have a decent relationship (aside from the usual grumbles) , and he is a genuinely lovely guy. I just feel like hes avoiding sorting this because he's worried about what the drs will do (they've mentioned sending him to a sleep clinic) and downplaying it because of that. I actually cried when the doctor said 3 months. I almost rang them back and told her to share a bloody with him. Initially she said 2 weeks then review again.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou I really struggle with back pain, I could sleep on the sofa, but I'd pay for it the next day. He initially suggested it, I did say he didn't have to and he said he found it comfy and didnt mind. If he'd have said that it was really uncomfortable i wouldn't have asked. I dont ask every night, just if he's had a really bad night before.

I've had night terrors like this. Once attacked my sister in my sleep when she was sleeping next to me. I have zero memory of it, but I trust her account of it.

He needs to be more understanding. It's a horrible thing to hear, but maybe he just can't get how bad it is. Strongly agree with the suggestion to set up a camera.

And OP, stop feeling guilty. He needs to sleep on the sofa for now, you're going to get really ill if you don't get some sleep.

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing
Do you still have them? If theres any advice you can give I'd really appreciate it. I think its a tough one because I don't think either of us are in the wrong really.

I don't think so, no. I don't share a bed anymore though.
I had problems with it for years, whether I was sharing a bed with a friend or a partner. My sister refused to sleep near me after the one event. I smacked one person straight in the face once, zero memory of it.

He needs to go to a sleep clinic or something.. I don't really know the answer, I haven't shared a bed with anybody for a decade. I think they've stopped, but I don't really know

Nobody is in the wrong, but he will be if he doesn't acknowledge this as a problem. Deliberately or not, he's causing you stress and pain. He should want to do anything he can to alleviate this. If he doesn't want to do that, then that's the problem.

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing He doesn't seem to do it as much if he sleeps on the sofa from what I can hear. I wonder if its something I do that triggers it, like if I turn over the moment sets him off. When he first went to the drs pre covid, they gave him ametryptoline and said the to try it and come Back, if nothing happened they'd refer him. Called again a few weeks ago and they insisted on trying the ametryptoline again and said they'd catch up in 2 weeks. Now the drs said to try it for 3 months. Its so frustrating because it's not doing anything other then making him feel shit in the morning. Im tempted to call my own dr and ask for anything they can give me to knock me out instead.

He has to make an attempt to address the issue, and you need your sleep.

My ex was like this, he once punched out a window asleep because he thought he was on a bus and had to get out.

I don't know what the solution is, ex became better over time, but your partner does need to realise the impact it has on you and try to seek help for this.

If you need a good night's sleep absolutely fine if he has to use the sofa.

Definitely get some sleep OP or you'll end up really ill. Encourage him to go to a sleep study and see if there's anything that can treat it. Do you have a spare room? Or if not could you consider moving to a house with a spare room for bad nights?

@imissthesouth we have a spare room, but we turned it into an office space & no room for a bed. I was thinking we could maybe get a sofa bed for the living room. I could sleep down there if it was an actual bed. Failing that I could shove him in the loft 😂

@Frownette That sounds so scary! We haven't had anything that bad yet other then what he's done to me, but he does bizarre things, like gets up and stares out the window or locks himself in the bathroom. At one point i did wonder if it was blood sugar related (hes type 1) but when we tested it it was normal. I have heard the restless legs are a side effect of diabetics though

I think magnesium can help with restless legs; if he has diabetes 1 this can perhaps be an issue.

We were both a bit stunned at the bus window incident. We were both very polite and British about it, both woke up fully.

He said I thought I was on a bus.

And I said oh.

Then right at the time we both felt tired and looked at the window then went back to sleep. It was too late at night to do anything immediately.

Update on it anyway, he has to speak to his doctor and I wish you more peaceful night's.

@Frownette I'll try that thank you. Yeah I'm going to ask him to ring the drs on Tuesday and tell them 3 month review isn't good enough and it needs to be brought forward for his health and mine.

www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/symptom-factsheets/sleep-disturbance-and-insomnia

This might be food for thought.

His hurt feelings should come after your actual health. Tell him how bad it is and tell him that guilt tripping you about it is unacceptable.

Set up a bed in the spare room, even if it has to be less of an office space. Make sure it’s comfy for you. Start nights with a cuddle together then you can retreat to your own room to get some proper sleep.

If he won’t let you do this then he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care about you. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care that you’re getting only a few hours sleep a night because they think their desire to share a bed is more important?

Just an update for everyone watching, we had a chat today about everything (an actual chat not a row!) And we've just been getting ready for bed and he's said "I'll sleep on the sofa tonight, so you can get a decent night's sleep" no arguments, no comments and i didnt even have to ask. Also ringing the dr on Tuesday and pushing for progress too.

Thanks for listening to me rant last night, I feel a lot better getting it off my chest x