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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The person with the lower sex drive should be the one to initiate

59 replies

QuentinWinters · 28/08/2020 17:16

just read this on another thread where a woman is talking about lack of sex with DH

what gets me with these threads is that if the man wants it more, the man is in the wrong and if the woman wants it more, the man is in the wrong

I've been thinking about this in the context of my own background - married to exH who wanted sex more than me, been in relationship with partner who wanted less.

I think the difference is that exH used to nag/pester/sulk about sex whereas I just accepted the situation where I was the higher sex partner and was happy to let partner initiate

So I wondered if part of the issue with difference in response re:men and women is to do with who initiates - with higher libido male partners being more likely to pester, which is unacceptable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheHappyHerbivore · 28/08/2020 17:20

I think it puts a lot of pressure on one person to always have to be the one to initiate.

The real issue is the sulking and pestering. It shouldn’t be a problem for a person to try to initiate sex and be turned down - as long as they accept that completely without sulking or making a fuss.

Keepithidden · 28/08/2020 17:27

It's what we do in our relationship, the problem is DW is very low drive, so it only happens once or twice annually. I don't push it or pressure for it, and don't even talk about it now. I can't say I am in a happy place and haven't been for 10+ years. That's what happens when you have mismatched libidos though, sick it up or get out. Kids and health make that problematical in my case though...

ladypete · 30/08/2020 20:52

@TheHappyHerbivore I agree.

@Keepithidden I’m sorry - that sounds utterly miserable!. Sad

BubblyBarbara · 30/08/2020 21:21

It should always be the one with the lower libido to initiate otherwise someone is being coerced or nagged into doing something they don’t want or/and the person asking is going to be rejected a lot.. and neither of these outcomes is good for a long term relationship.

yelyah22 · 30/08/2020 21:22

In our relationship the lower libido person (my OH) generally initiates, but I'm free to 'try' (sounds clinical, but it works for us - it's not "Fancy a fuck?", but general making moves). But the difference is that neither of us ever, ever sulk or push it if it's a no - although, equally, neither of us mind the other person trying it on and don't see it as pestering.

BubblyBarbara · 30/08/2020 21:37

Just realised it’s not clear at all what direction the poll is on this. Is the AIBU for the opinion in the title or your contrary opinion in the post?

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/08/2020 21:46

YABU based to title that lower sex drive person should always initiate. No one in a relationship should be expected to do all the initiation of sex. Both partners should be able to initiate. Just like both partners can say no. Just because a partner has a higher sex drive, doesn’t mean they are in a state of perpetual consent. You are still going to get mismatches where one partner would like sex and the other would not. So no matter who initiates, both need to be able to say yes or no freely and without pestering or pressure to change their mind.

MitziK · 30/08/2020 21:48

@QuentinWinters

just read this on another thread where a woman is talking about lack of sex with DH

what gets me with these threads is that if the man wants it more, the man is in the wrong and if the woman wants it more, the man is in the wrong

I've been thinking about this in the context of my own background - married to exH who wanted sex more than me, been in relationship with partner who wanted less.

I think the difference is that exH used to nag/pester/sulk about sex whereas I just accepted the situation where I was the higher sex partner and was happy to let partner initiate

So I wondered if part of the issue with difference in response re:men and women is to do with who initiates - with higher libido male partners being more likely to pester, which is unacceptable.

AIBU?

Would you have felt differently had it been years where you weren't able to approach him? Or, if you didn't want it as often, on the rare occasions you did feel like it, he didn't and you were rejected?

It can't be that one is not allowed to express a desire. Otherwise nothing ever changes, nobody seeks help, nobody is happy, as it's all dictated and controlled by the person who doesn't want it that much.

That's as unhealthy as one constantly (which could be daily, monthly or yearly, depending upon the non interested person's interpretation of 'pestering') asking.

joystir59 · 30/08/2020 22:03

If you are in a loving relationship you should want to respond to your partner

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2020 22:06

I don't think it should be on one person to do all the initiating. It buds resentment and adds pressure.

There needs to be healthy communication between partners. Either should be free to initiate and either should be free to decline and whatever happens there should not be any sulking.

Lollypop701 · 30/08/2020 22:24

Joystir ... please do fuck off! I can be shattered, have pmt or simply want to watch TV. I’m not a receptical for my dh amourous intensions, nor would he want me to be. He wants me involved and interested ffs! Op I understand the ease of the less sexed partner asking, but I also think sex is an appetite, the less you have the less you want so the whole situation could reduce in that way. My Dh definitely benefits from a sky!

Lollypop701 · 30/08/2020 22:25

From asking even!

Original poster
QuentinWinters · 30/08/2020 22:32

Ha. Interesting vote. Very evenly split but maybe thats because its not a clear question.
I think I agree with this It should always be the one with the lower libido to initiate otherwise someone is being coerced or nagged into doing something they don’t want or/and the person asking is going to be rejected a lot.. and neither of these outcomes is good for a long term relationship.
And I'm not saying the higher libido partner should never say they if they are unhappy with the amount of sex. I'm not really talking about sexless relationships...although that is an extreme version. I'm talking about say, one partner wants it every fortnight and one wants it every day. If the person who wants it every day initiates every day that quickly turns into pressure. I think.
I was trying to unpick why someone would have a view that men who want more sex get a harder time on MN than women who do.

OP posts:
LittleRed53 · 30/08/2020 22:41

I'm the one with much lower drive than my DH. He doesn't pester but it's always him who initiates, and either I say sorry, no or go with it.

Honestly I do think this is part of the problem. I find it a turn on to be the one who initiates and has to 'seduce' my man, but DH never needs seducing as the poor guy doesn't get it half as much as he wants, so I know anytime I give the smallest sign I'm up for it, he's raring! It kinda takes a chunk of the fun out of it for me and makes me feel like I'm always on the defensive.

Maybe that in itself is unreasonable... But the whole sex issue has been a long term struggle for us.

Meruem · 30/08/2020 23:05

I’ve been in a relationship where I wanted a lot more sex than he did. I have an issue with people saying the higher sexed partner “sulks”. I wasn’t sulking. I was sad and felt rejected. He didn’t want sex. Fine, that was his choice but he can’t expect me to plaster on a smile and pretend to be happy about it. Its not like turning down the offer of a cup of tea. I had needs that weren’t being fulfilled. I can accept that but I’m not going to be jumping for joy about it. People are allowed to be unhappy with the situation. In my own case we broke up, not solely because of that but it played a large part in it. If I’d left it to him to initiate we’d have gone months without it.

StamfordHill · 30/08/2020 23:13

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Original poster
QuentinWinters · 30/08/2020 23:18

But it's disingenuous to pretend they don't have sexual obligations to one another.
Bleurgh. That's disgusting.
Noone is obligated to have sex they don't want.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuentinWinters · 30/08/2020 23:19

mereum my exH definitely did sulk. And also did the "any sign = raring to go". It was a huge turn off. And we had sex pretty much every week

OP posts:
Original poster
QuentinWinters · 30/08/2020 23:21

when I was the partner with the higher sex drive I knew if I waited for exP to initiate it would happen soon enough and I didn't want to pressure/coerce in any way
But if it had been a very long gap in between i think I could struggle with that.

OP posts:
StamfordHill · 30/08/2020 23:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
QuentinWinters · 30/08/2020 23:39

No. With rights and privileges comes responsibilities. When you expect your partner/spouse to be sexually faithful and to have sex exclusively with you, you also have the obligations to be available within reason
Absolute bollocks. Relationships are not about rights and privileged. Relationships are partnerships.
I expect my partner to be faithful. He could choose not to be, then I would have the option to leave the relationship.
I expect to have a fulfilling sex life with my partner. He could choose never to have sex with me, I can leave the relationship.

My expectations are not his obligations.

If the relationship isn't working for whatever reason, I can leave. As a partnership we can discuss and resolve things if possible, but my partner is never obligated to meet my expectations.

That sounds rather controlling and entitled.

OP posts:
Adoptthisdogornot · 31/08/2020 00:17

I have the lower drive and end up doing all the initiating. I wish that he would initiate more, it would make me feel more desirable and want it more. He doesn't not ask out of respect, I think he fears rejection so would rather not ask rather than risk a no. It's not a great situation.

Porcupineinwaiting · 31/08/2020 00:50

I think if you enter a relationship which disbars both parties from having sex with others then you do have an obligation to make sure the sexual needs of both parties are met actually. Either by mutual consent or by disbanding the partnership. It always gobsmacks me when people who only want sex once every blue moon get upset when their partner leaves or cheats.

Lollypop701 · 31/08/2020 01:30

Really? You would want to engage in sex with some who was doing so as an obligation? Confused

AldiAisleofCrap · 31/08/2020 02:13

You should not unreasonably withhold sex from your partner. Saying no because you feel unwell either physically or mentally, are really tired just had a baby etc all fine. Because you fancy watching Netflix , no , marriages are about putting your spouse before yourself.