AIBU to tell her he’s a twat?

[inthekitchensink]

My lovely friend is visiting tomorrow, having just told me her husband has left her for another woman. She’s devastated of course, with young children, barely eating and I want to do everything I can to help her.
Is there anything I should be wary of saying or not saying? Obviously I want to feed her soup & dig a nice new patio plot for his body, but feel this may not be appreciated. Should I keep quiet about what an arse he is in case they work it out?
Has anything helped/not helped any others in similar situations in the past? Anything that could help her get through the hell that she is going through? I’m worried for her, and don’t think I can help enough.

I think it's nice to let them know they made the right decision and that their most likely best off without them. Also mention that if they were to get back together it would be a lot more difficult as there's no trust so if anything she would be hurting herself.

As you've mentioned your a good friend to her so just let her know you will be there as much as you can to help support her and the kids. It's just nice to know that you will have someone there for you especially with children it's a lot harder.

Then after just don't talk about it and have a laugh an let her forget about it for a while and enjoy yourselves.

Honestly, I would take her lead on this. If she is ready and willing to have a bitch fest about him then join in. If she wants to just talk through her emotions then listen, she might want a silly distraction in which case discuss whatever is on tv. Etc

Don’t stress too much over it, you’ll get a sense of the mood when you see her

I'd focus on comforting her and building uo her self-esteem so she's more likely ti be able to pick herself up and move on.

Make it task orientated rather than personal. About what he did and not who he is.

Thank you all, this is very good advice. I will let her take the lead, see how she is and suggest - if she brings it up - that the trust would be nigh impossible to recover. Aim to build her self-esteem, she’s always been so strong, she will get there again one day at a time. So it’s a no to murder plots, for now?

“LadyGAgain:
Make it task orientated rather than personal. About what he did and not who he is.”

Can I please ask more about this? It sounds like something I don’t naturally do, and sounds like it would be helpful. Is it like ‘what did he say before xxxx’ rather than ‘what did the fucker say before you slinged him out’?

Yes. It allows you to reinforce the shitty behaviour but not to say that he is the bag of shit that he is incase she chooses to stay.

So, all comments are about the behaviour and the "task" - in this case "it's so awful that he cheated on you" (the task/action) rather than "he is such a bag of shit, an awful man who doesn't deserve to walk the planet" etc.

So, once she reflects on your support she can't ever say you slagged him off as a human.

But then, if she wants and needs that then go for it. I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Many times over I was careful not to totally slag him off to her and in the end I gave up and went for it. Turns out she agreed and left him!

Sorry - a further thought. Great if you can be specific (remind her about how well she does X, how amazingly she did at Y) and remind her of awesome fun/exciting things she has done with you/ in her own right.

More powerful and suggestive than just how great she is.