This maybe potentially triggering
This is going to be a long one, so bare with me. I don’t even know why this has bothered me so much after 15 years (for the first time I’m angry as opposed to ashamed & sad but truthfully not giving it as much thought as I think I should have.)
For context, which I think is relevant as it’s so small & backward, I live in a small country parish in Northern Ireland. (I have named changed for this and will change again after replying to any comments).
When I was in my early 20s and at Uni in Belfast I started texting a local lad, he’d been after me for ages trying to get my number etc. So we’d text each other fairly regularly over the period of about 2 months. I’d kissed him maybe twice when we ended up bumping into each other at after a night out but never made any plans to meet up. It was just a flirt, never suggestive or anything further than a quick kiss. He seemed like the perfect gentleman although my friends didn’t like him.
One week night when I was up at university I arrived home from the pub (a bit tipsy) when I got a call from him out of the blue saying he’d been in a nightclub in Belfast and his taxi home left without him & could he crash at mine. (Next morning I found out this was not true, he actually was staying at his friends house in Belfast). Being a local lad I said yes of course, it was freezing that night. He sat with my friend & I, chatting on my bed. After she went to bed it was just me & him we jumped into my bed to sleep. I obviously expected that’d we’d kiss and cuddle but after a few minute he got on top of me and starting putting his hand down my under wear. I tried to stop him but but he pinned me down and forced himself inside me. He knew I was resisting him but said things like “don’t be like that now”, like it was game and I was playing hard to get. Tears starting rolling down my cheeks and he was irritated that I was crying. I stopped physically resisting at the point as it was too late. He finished inside me, with no condom, and tried to hide that he had ejaculated. He seemed more embarrassed that he had finished early than anything else. Then rolled over and fell asleep. I was so shocked at what happened I just lay there. I didn’t call out for help to my flat mates I was just so stunned that it had actually happened.
While far from a virgin, I would never have slept with a local lad without being in a relationship. The local gossip is awful.
He got up the next morning and acted normally, as did I. From then on he completely blanked me, apart from the local football team buddies nudging him & clapping his back if I ran into them. At the time this is what upset me most - local people thinking I had a one night stand with him. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. If I ever bumped into him I hid, thankfully our paths don’t cross too much.
Part of me feels he didn’t even stop to think it was wrong, but then I think I was bloody crying. How could he not have known? ...maybe the fact I didn’t shout for help. Maybe the fact I allowed him into my bed. Ugh. Maybe I encouraged it.
So my AIBU is, was this rape and did he realise what he done?