Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

tea and such

27 replies

aNewYorkerInLondon · 27/08/2020 13:02

Since lockdown, DH and I are both working from home. Me at the bedroom desk and him at the dining table. It works well and we stay out of each other's hair most of the day. I've found myself growing more and more irritated by something that I thought was just common courtesy, and I want to know if I am being unreasonable.The bedroom where I work is right next to the kitchen, while the living room where he works is at the other end of the hall. Whenever I get up for a cup of tea or a snack or to make lunch, I walk down the hall and ask him if he would like some too. Growing up, it was considered the height of rudeness to prepare something for yourself without offering some to others at home, unless for some reason it would really put you out. I do this without a second thought. On the other hand, he walks right by my door and makes a snack or drink and never asks if I'd like any. He will even pop in the doorway with his tea or food to say hello and chat and see how my day is going, so its not like he is in a rush (and it doesnt take any extra time to take out two mugs and put double the water in the kettle). My work has been very intense and busy while he has, in his words, "f_-all to do" at the moment for his work, but I still always offer and he still doesn't. I suppose he wasn't raised that way, and I should not project that expectation on him, but it irritates the heck out of me nonetheless. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lockheart · 27/08/2020 13:07

It's polite to offer but where it essentially means one person ends up as a waitress for the other then personally I'd stop doing it.

He's a grown adult capable of making his own drinks.

I grew up in a house like this, it can make you quite resentful when all you want is a quick glass of squash but you're obligated to make tea for the whole house whilst you're at it. Especially if certain members of that house never reciprocate.

Holroyd01 · 27/08/2020 16:43

I'd say just talk to him and I'm sure as long as you're not stroppy he will just accept it and do it too... However.. I also get how little things start to grate on you after months and months don't they. Mine is socks being left all over the house. Grrrrr

MsWonderful · 27/08/2020 16:45

I remember begging my ex to offer to make me a cup of tea. He never ever did and it made me feel so uncared for (which was true, I was)

SummerHouse · 27/08/2020 16:50

I would say "didn't you make me one you lazy bastard?" EVERY TIME

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2020 16:53

YANBU but why does he keep doing it, knowing how you feel about it?

It doesn't matter how a person is raised, it's common manners and every adult knows that.

Sexnotgender · 27/08/2020 16:55

@SummerHouse

I would say "didn't you make me one you lazy bastard?" EVERY TIME
This.

He’s a lazy self centred toad.

Graphista · 27/08/2020 16:55

However just as he could change his habit of not offering you could change yours of offering

It would be interesting to see his reaction to that?

You don't need to be a martyr to old habits you had no choice in being taught.

Was it really everyone in your home that did this or just the women/girls?

I suspect at least mainly if not only the latter!

Florencex · 27/08/2020 16:57

YANBU. That is very rude of him, I would ask him to make me a cup of tea and get me a snack every time I hear him walk past (if I wanted one).

OhioOhioOhio · 27/08/2020 16:58

My ex did millions of things like that. It made me feel uncared for too. Because I was uncared for, he didn't give a shit.

Watercoloursky · 27/08/2020 17:03

As a PP said, if he came in to chat while holding a cuppa for himself, I'd just say 'oi, where's mine?' or 'did you make me one'? Hopefully you should only have to do it once for him to get the message...

aNewYorkerInLondon · 27/08/2020 17:30

actually, it was my dad that was the stickler on it, for everyone in the house including the boys. he grew up with 4 sisters, so he was well-trained himself. :-)

OP posts:
aNewYorkerInLondon · 27/08/2020 17:35

I like the practice. It feels like one of those easy little things to do to show you are.

To be clear, this isnt taking menu selections, just a "hey, i'm making X, would you like one" because making for 2 or 3, whatever specific thing X is (cup of tea, an egg sandwich, etc), is generally not any extra work over making for 1.

OP posts:
aNewYorkerInLondon · 27/08/2020 17:35

thank you all! i feel better just having talked to you about it. :-)

OP posts:
Deadringer · 27/08/2020 17:42

I would say 'where is my fucking tea/snack'? If he still doesn't offer i would stop making him anything.

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2020 17:52

@aNewYorkerInLondon

thank you all! i feel better just having talked to you about it. :-)
Yes but what are you thinking of doing about it and what have you done so far?

Why does he insist on behaving like that, when you've told him how rude you find it?

SantaClaritaDiet · 27/08/2020 18:02

You are being BU not to ASK him. He's not a mind reader.

Graphista · 27/08/2020 18:21

That surprises me but yes think in reality I'd be more like the others "oi where's mine ?"

Lockheart · 27/08/2020 18:43

I'm sure others will think I'm strange but if I got a biscuit or a drink or something and my partner said "Oi where's mine" or "where is my fucking drink" I'd tell him that he's perfectly capable of getting his own, being a grown adult and all, and that if he spoke to me like that again he'd be sleeping downstairs.

It's nice to offer - it's not obligatory.

I'm willing to admit that perhaps my perception of this is skewed (being the female child my dad and brother treated me like the skivvy - not much has changed even though I'm in my 30s), but someone demanding I make them whatever I'm getting myself would really, really put my back up.

herrcomesthenamechanger · 27/08/2020 18:47

It would drive both me and DH mad if we asked each other every time we made our own brew/snack. We make our own when we want them (and if I'm stuck in an endless meeting and he's free I just text to ask for one)

DonLewis · 27/08/2020 18:59

Dude, how unthinking is that?

The kettle goes on, the question is, who wants a cuppa?

Ponoka7 · 27/08/2020 19:05

I'd find it irritating to be disturbed by someone asking me if I wanted a drink. I also wouldn't want the obligation of making something for everyone.

Perhaps it's you that needs to break how you were conditioned as a child. This isn't everyone's norm.

Redraptor · 27/08/2020 19:12

I get annoyed with my dh for this. He'll say "I didnt know you wanted one" which drives me mad, it's nice to ask. If I dont do him one he gets really offended which I cant understand

I think as long as you are both kind of taking turns you should be offering

When i lived at home my mother would be watching tv or playing on her laptop and if she heard a slight noise in the kitchen she'd shout through that she wanted whatever it was to. I remember dashing in after uni wanting to make some toast before I dashed off to work and her shouting, "are you going to offer me some?" I said okay yes in just making some toast and her response was "I want tea and a cheese and tomato toasty", not the quick snack I had in mind

User43210 · 27/08/2020 20:01

I'm another one who doesn't understand why you don't just say "look, I always offer you a cuppa or a snack when I'm getting one, why can't you give me the same respect" I could imagine my DH not even realising but the second I mention it, he would change.

tornadoalley · 28/08/2020 10:32

This was the first thing I noticed about my exH. I would always make him a coffee, but he would always make his own and nothing for me.

pigsDOfly · 28/08/2020 10:54

Another one here who's ex never ever made me a cup of, coffee, in my case, or anything else, come to that. Even when I was in bed with some sort of flu like thing he still didn't consider it something he should do.

He was a selfish arse who didn't give a shit about anyone but himself and a few of his selected friends, so yes, I too felt very uncared for because I was and he made sure I knew it.

I agree with pps who that you should be asking him where your's is when he makes himself a drink or snack, otherwise stop making things for him.