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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask MIL for childcare help?

22 replies

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:09

Name-changed for this. Been here a while, and spotted this great suggestion for a name on another recent thread. I am wee, Welsh and a woman.

Quick background

DH works full-time. I currently work part-time, but would like to increase from 22 to 30 hours in the bearish future.

DS, two, is in nursery three days a week. In the working week, he is looked after by me 1.5 days and DH 0.5 days.

In the past MIL has expressed interest in helping with childcare, but for various reasons (mostly unrelated to us and more circumstances) that didn't happen.

To now

If I want to increase my hours, we could put DS in nursery for the extra day. OR we could offer MIL the same money to look after him for that day. Not sure she would accept payment, but it would be offered.

Not sure how to broach this subject? And whether it is appropriate to assume she would still be keen? She lives about 1.5 hours away, but we have a spare room (double) which we'd be happy to let her use of she'd rather not do a day trip.

Could do with some MN wisdom on this.

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 26/08/2020 20:12

Ask your husband to ask her. She’d probably be delighted to help out.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2020 20:12

She lives an hour and half away? That's just nonsensical to me and asking far too much for regular childcare, even if it is only one day a week.

Freddiefox · 26/08/2020 20:15

@1Morewineplease

Ask your husband to ask her. She’d probably be delighted to help out. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

This, particularly as you have a spare room too.

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:16

Thanks for input @aquamarine2019. Yes, I'm wary of the commute too. She is in-between properties at the moment and has looked at a few which are closer to 45 minutes/ hour away. But also some that are the same distance away. I suspect I wouldn't consider it if she hadn't previously said she'd like to.

@1Morewineplease good shout. We're all going away as an extended household to Cornwall soon. Was thinking DH could broach it then? He hates asking for things though, so want some collective MN wisdom beforehand.

OP posts:

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 26/08/2020 20:18

On the face of it it seems an obvious choice since she’s expressed an interest in the past.

In reality I would think carefully before broaching it;
-Is your relationship good enough that you could happily spend potentially 2 nights a week with her living with you? (She May want or need to stay with you the night before and after caring for DC if she is too tired to travel after a day looking after D.C. or if she’s needed to provide care from early in the morning.
-Will she respect your wishes (often family relationships seem to become strained when parents want a full day over what happens and the family member providing care disagrees)
-How will you cover childcare if she is ill or wants a holiday (obviously I know you can’t send your DC to nursery if they are sick so you take time off around that, but having to take time off when your childcare is also sick adds another layer of potential time off which wouldn’t be an issue with nursery)

Personally for me I never relied on a relative for regular childcare as I always worried about the extra pressures on a relationship. Family have always had as hoc days looking after D.C. but on those days they are fun and they have the freedoms to do whatever/spoil the children as much as they please but I always worried that having regular childcare would mean the children would be overindulged and under disciplined and therefore it would cause tension.
However, for others this can work brilliantly and as it’s only 1 day per week you are proposing I don’t imagine DC can be horrendously spoilt in that time and it may pave the way for a fantastic future relationship between grandparent and grandchild.

PotteringAlong · 26/08/2020 20:19

A 3 hour round trip is a lot to do. I would keep her for emergencies and use nursery for the extra hours.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2020 20:22

Given the distance she would have to travel, even if she does move a bit closer, what would you do if she couldn't make it due to bad weather or if she's ill? What would your back-up plan be?

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 20:23

Effectively she would be your lodger...
Is that a pleasant prospect?

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:29

Some great food for thought @HolyMilkBoobiesBatman - I think we get on well enough, agree that we have to allow for two overnights, plus we'd be working. Before retirment and after kids leaving the nest she was a respite foster carer - usually for primary and preschool children. She's pretty up on most things, and aligned enough that I can't see major issues. She'd a big fan of learning through play for example. I think we have different views on very little babies - but then that's the same with my DM. She's a great Granny. I think she'd like a little bit of spoiling opportunity, but having a treat one day a week with Granny doesn't concern me. Especially as he's slim, active and has an obsession with broccoli (I have no idea, he just really loves the 'geen trees').

OP posts:

PanamaPattie · 26/08/2020 20:30

Nope. It will end in tears. You will hate her staying and she will probably try and take over. Get DH to do more and split the childcare just between the two of you.

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:32

@Aquamarine1029 we both WFH on the day we're looking at. Worst case scenario we could muddle through. Or use flexitime to split the day between us and make up hours later in the week. My DM lives very close and can help in emergencies but she is the primary carer for my very frail, disabled Ddad (heart problems, COPD, and cancer survivor) which is why she isn't an option for regular childcare.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:39

@PotteringAlong it is a lot of driving. Which is where a good bit of reticence comes in.

@Beachbodylonggone for up to 2 nights a week? Very much so. It would be very pleasant. And we'd still have alone time in the week. I've had lodgers before (pre living with DH) and enjoyed it.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:42

Is it a case of, DH ask if she'd be interested? But no commitment required, and chat to nursery about a possible extra day?

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 26/08/2020 20:44

Why not (in your suggestion) say she can try it for a fixed period - say 6 months....and if at the end she decides she prefers to be occasional granny then no hard feelings.

Hardbackwriter · 26/08/2020 20:45

we both WFH on the day we're looking at. Worst case scenario we could muddle through. Or use flexitime to split the day between us and make up hours later in the week.

That would actually make me a lot more cautious. Having her care for your child while you're present but not available to help is a recipe for tension and upset - she doesn't get to relax and do things her way and the whole set-up has the potential to be very awkward.

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:49

Thanks, really appreciating the advice, even those who think this is an insane suggestion. Lots of things to think about.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2020 20:51

@Hardbackwriter good point. Thank you. I have the option (post Covid) to go into the office that day, or can WFH. DH always WFH that day. I can see how it could be stressful having DH and I around. I hadn't considered that.

OP posts:

MeadowHay · 26/08/2020 20:51

My DM looks after my DD whilst I WFH one day a week and has done so since lockdown began, actually was doing it two days a week for the first six week or so. She comes to our house in time for me to start work at 9am and then she usually takes DD round to hers after her afternoon nap which is about 2.30/3pm as she only lives a few mins away. Then I collect DD after I finish work around 5.45. It works fine, I leave her to it, I work upstairs in our bedroom and she stays downstairs with DD who is 26m. I only come down occasionally if I need a drink or something or if I can hear her not understanding something DD is saying sometimes I will shout down what she means or I will come and assist if DM asks me too but that's super rare. I don't think WFH whilst granny is there is an issue as long as you don't butt in all the time but why would you, you're busy working after all.

katy1213 · 26/08/2020 20:58

Never mind whether you can tolerate her for two nights, she might well prefer her own home and bed!

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 26/08/2020 20:58

No one here can say is too far, too much to ask etc, it's up to the grandparent. My MIL lives about 90 minutes away and has DS one day a week at our house, she said she wanted to before I was anywhere near going back to work, we said it was too much offered to pay petrol etc, she won't have it, she loves having him. My mum lives about 45 minutes away and also does one day also at ours, they arranged between themselves that MIL did both days recently and stayed at our house because DM was unavailable due to work, I could've taken a day off or DH but she was happy to do it and says she retired to be available (she also didn't much like her job).
However it needs to be a choice, your DH needs to say we're looking to increase nursery to 3 days but I didn't want you to think we hadn't listened to you in the past when you've said you wanted to have him once a week, if you want to do that we are happy to cover your petrol etc but if you'd rather just visit as you do now that's lovely too, we just didn't want to commit to another day at nursery if you would be disappointed.
We leave a kitty for expenses and trips (neither touch it) and have got annual passes for the local aquarium and farm for them and DS, so they can take him there for free, but they even tried to pay for that!

Hardbackwriter · 26/08/2020 21:00

@MeadowHay your DM might not mind at all (though I note she goes somewhere else once the logistical challenge of naptime is over, so I'm not so sure that she's totally comfortable in your house!) but for most people knowing that you can hear all the interactions, etc would make it much more stressful than caring for the child all their own. I wouldn't like caring for DS with another adult listening all day and I'm his mum.

There's also the issue that the child might not be very keen - it's a real problem in our house at the moment that I'm on constant WFH but DH and DS are home two days a week, because DS will get very upset that I'm at home but won't come and play with him and that he's not allowed to come and find me and talk to me. It makes it loads more stressful for us all - I end up hiding (!) and it makes it much harder for DH because it makes DS upset, he's perfectly happy with just DH if I'm not there. I'm sure not all children would be like this but DS is (and this has been the situation since March so he doesn't seem to be getting used to it...)

Crankley · 26/08/2020 21:09

Beachbodylonggone
Effectively she would be your lodger...
Is that a pleasant prospect?

A question equally to be asked of the MiL. I wouldn't consider doing that journey and staying in someone's house every week. I presume she has a life? What if she needs or wants to be elsewhere on one of the days? I think it's unrealistic to expect someone to be away from their home 2 days every week.

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