Love addict

[Teacup89]

Please don’t laugh or judge, but is anyone else a love addict?
I’ve now realised I’m addicted to falling in love. The feeling of butterflies when you first meet someone, the rush, the compliments, the first kisses, the can’t be without each other feeling, the first sex...

I’ve had lots of serious relationships, I’m now 31. They all have something in common, in that they ended when I met someone else. Someone in my rues was ‘the one’. But once it becomes comfortable again, I start getting bored and looking elsewhere for attention.
I am in that situation again now, but the difference is I have a child with the man I live with. So unlike the other times, I’m not just going to get up and walk out.
All my previous relationships have had an overlap, but I’ve never cheated, it’s always been friends first, then it develops and I end it with the previous guy.
But every single time I think this new guy is the one.
I’m currently good friends with a guy who has expressed an interest in me in the past. Since lockdown we’ve been talking a lot online, it started as literally just friends and although neither of us has said anything sexual or intimate to the other, it does seem to be developing into something more.
Me and my current partner are arguing a lot, and lockdown is really taking its toll, so of course I’m back to feeling like I’m in the early throws of my ‘fairytale fantasy’ again. Listening to love songs and thinking of this friend.
I know, I’m completely messed up.

Here are some definitions of a love addict, all which describe me:

Love addicts often are afraid of being alone, and don’t like their own company. Love addiction can take over and cause people to make bad choices, fail to see red flags, and continue down a path with someone despite the obvious. Many love addicts have more than one partner.

And a quiz I found online about love addiction, I scored full marks:

1. Did you once think that if only someone loved you in that "special way" you would be happy for the rest of your life?

Yes

1. Were you/are you pre-occupied with the notions of love as expressed in music, movies, and fiction?

Yes, always

1. Have you ever tried to talk yourself into loving someone you weren't particularly fond of because you needed the love now?

Yes

1. Have you felt the need to prop up or do a total makeover on your partner early on in your relationship rather than admit that he/she wasn't right for you and end it?

Yes

1. Have you stayed in a bad relationship or repeatedly returned to an ex-partner because you couldn't stand to be alone?

Yes

1. When you are in a committed relationship, do you wonder if you chose the right person or fantasize about a lover from your past, thinking you should have kept him or her and then you would be happier?

Yes, all the time.

1. Have you used the words "soul mate" in reference to how love should be?

Yes

1. Since age 18, what is the longest period of time you were totally unattached and not fretting about a love interest?

I haven’t been fully single since I was 16.

1. Are you able to take the time necessary to heal and do a thorough postmortem on a failed relationship before running out to find a new "friend," who quickly becomes a rebound lover?

No

Is anyone else out there like me? I don’t know what to do.

This is definitely me.

I'm in a serious relationship with a DS with a man I adore so I just push any thoughts to the back of my mind as I know it's not what I want or need long term.

I’ll add on that I’m unhappy in my life, I hate myself and I have depression and anxiety.

Yeah, my ex was like that, always looking for the next "thrill". My best friend said he'd never be happy as he was always looking for something else. Hence why hes my ex.

OP, you need therapy. I don’t mean that in a flip way. I mean that this is exactly the kind of issue therapists are designed to help you work through. You deserve a life in which you are happy and peaceful and fulfilled. Therapy is the way to get you there.

@Teacup89

I’ll add on that I’m unhappy in my life, I hate myself and I have depression and anxiety.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but perhaps you need to try and fix yourself and your self esteem first, as you might find once you can love - or at least like - yourself, you won't have the same need to feel so completely loved by someone else?

Go to SLAA. It is amazing and life changing. People think it’s all about sex addiction but it’s really not. I couldn’t talk more positively about it. If you want to change, it will help you.

@LockdownMayhem the problem is I can’t stand being alone. It’s embarrassing but I’m afraid of being alone. I haven’t been properly single since I was 16.

I will add, the addiction probably comes from a need to fill a void in yourself. It was for me. My first meeting when somebody explained how they felt about the darkness in the pit of their stomach, it was the first time anybody ever explained what I felt everyday. Like many other addictions, the addiction just covers something else. It really was life changing.

@Shamoo thank you for that, I’ll look into it.

To be quite frank, the idea of spending another 40 odd years with the same person fills me with utter dread and despair. No more first kisses, no more excitment in the new relationship feelings. People say that I must not have met the right one yet, so I cling onto that notion.

Honestly you will learn to understand and deal with it in SLAA. I really would recommend.

I would agree that you should look into the help that PPs have recommended. Particularly because you can't face the idea of being on your own. It's a long time since I was single (I've been with my DH for 18 years) but I had some very happy times when on my own, it really isn't something to view with dread.

Beyond getting help for the depression etc, maybe you're just not the monogamous type. Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, relationship anarchy, all perfectly valid ways of living your life.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup that’s an interesting take on things. I never thought of it that way.