AIBU to not want to just let it blow over this time?

[Kb28]

To cut a long story short.. my in laws are very religious which is fine however my partner and I are not in the slightest. Both of us were raised Catholic but since becoming adults we chose to no longer practice.

I’m currently pregnant with our first child and the subject of a christening has come up, at first my OH said he wasn’t sure if it was something we wanted to do, we agreed we would decide when baby is here as it felt weird to have a christening for our child when it isn’t what we believe in.

A few days ago his brother phoned him and started saying he needed to seriously consider what he was doing in regards to christening, that it is the right thing to do and it gives a child the best start in life and we shouldn’t be denying our child that relationship with God - amongst other things as well as how it will break their mothers heart if we don’t have one (we have since spoken to her and she is totally on board with whatever we decide)

I have a civil but sometimes strained relationship with his brother and sister usually down to religion and it feels that they blame me for their brother no longer practicing or believing in the faith they were brought up in. There have been things said over the past 5 years that up until now I’ve let go. Within the same phone call the brother then started talking about our baby being born and how excited he is...

I’m just not sure where to go from here, I feel like letting this go again will just make things worse as they feel justified in telling us how to raise our child, both of them raise their children within the church and we have always respected their choice. I don’t even want to be around them at the minute and I’m not sure how to address this - I’m afraid things will get worse when baby is here and I won’t feel comfortable at all.

I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and can maybe offer some advice please? I feel so stressed and genuinely want a good relationship with them but am unsure how to move forward in this - AIBU to bring it up and say how I feel? Or should I just let it go and accept they will never change?

They're being hugely arrogant and disrespectful. You don't believe in their god so their expectations do not fit for you. They need to get over it and stop telling you what to do. How would they feel if you explained the dangers of the brainwashing they're subjecting their children to?

I'd keep out of it and let your DH deal with him. If you talk to your BIL about it, it will just reinforce the idea that you have influenced your DH to leave the faith.

And if you don't want to have a Christening, then don't have one.

If the subject comes up again tell BIL to wind his neck in and that your DC will make their mind up up if they wish to join a cult/religion when they are old enough to do so.

Erm, really shitty situation.
He is allowed to share his opinion with his brother, Siblings are allowed to criticise each others choices.

But you are allowed to tell your partner it's left you feeling crap and under stress, but if you contact the siblings yourself what are you going to say? Don't talk about my baby? Don't give your opinion about your niece or nephews faith to your brother?

You can't really dictate what is allowed as conversation between brothers if you're not a part of that chat.

You can ignore it and address it with your partner but unless they say that crap to you, you can't stop them talking to their brother about an issue that is important to them.
Obviously you don't have to pay their opinions any attention at all.

If they do spout that crap AT you then go to town.

You tell your in-laws firmly and clearly to mind their own fucking business. The conversation about baptism is over. If your child wants to be baptised as an adult, they are welcome to do so. It's time to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Don't be a doormat.

“You have chosen to bring your child up in a religion and we respect that and would never interfere in how you choose to raise him/her. We are choosing not to bring our child up in a faith and expect you to extend the same courtesy and respect to us that we extend to you.”

I had this with my family.

I refused point blank to discuss it with them.

There was no debating point that would lead them to conclude that our choice not to baptise was reasonable.

They genuinely believe deep in their hearts that my children will literally burn in the fires of hell for all eternity because I did not do a baptism. You cannot have a reasonable logical discussion about that kind of thing.

Zero discussion. Zero.

No matter what they are going to think you the worst child abuser ever for condemning your child to an eternity of torture, there's no reason you have to hear about it.

They can go to mass, bitch about you afterwards, light candles by the dozen for you, run through a gazillion rosaries, which they will do no matter what. You don't have to participate at all.

My parents are like this but anglican. For an easy life I just got DD done. Happy parents, they got their party (I made sure they paid and happily it wasn't big.) and show off time in front of their god mates. I was raised in it but don't believe a word of it, however, you may find the bit of paper to your child's advantage re school places and if they want to marry in a church.

I'll present DD for the next bit of paper when she's older too. Save her the embarrassment as an adult and she'll know what to do in the event of having to go to church.

That said, I try for an easy life and good on you if you stand up to them.

Probably best not to police dh's relationship with his brother.

I had the same problem with my Mother In Law, who is very devout, and generally a lovely woman. She just would not take no for an answer, and kept on and on and on about it, even bringing priests to meet us to try and talk us into it, and pressurizing my husband's brothers to lean on him to agree to baptise our son. I was absolutely determined it wasn't going to happen as I have no truck with the Catholic church (or any religion really) and thankfully my husband agreed ( he was brought up Catholic, but lapsed, I was not). Anyway, the whole thing went on for years! Eventually my husband had to tell her quite forcefully not to bring it up again, it was never going to happen. She still send us all religious cards and artefacts, despite knowing we aren't Catholic, but we live very far away now so we just ignore it.

So stand your ground if this is important to you! But be prepared for the long haul.

Get him to tell them you’ll both consider it when there is a Lesbian Single Mum as Pope who pronounces that contraception is the go and they stop shooting street kids who shelter on the steps of locked cathedrals in Brazil.

*That’s what we said to our families, btw

Personally I wouldn’t say anything to BIL unless he has another conversation and brings it up direct with you as otherwise it could look like you are controlling your DH and he has to run every conversation by you. If BIL does bring it up in your earshot, shut it down immediately but politely, and do your best to really mmake sure he gets it as otherwise you are in for years of their overstepping because they think they have the right to and it will get pretty wearing after a while. I was raised pretty traditionally Catholic and have known of DGP’s who have secretly gotten their GC baptised despite their parents being very adamantly against it so I’d watch out something like that doesn’t end up happening. Best of luck as that sounds like a stressful situation.

You have to outline your boundaries in a firm and respectful way. Better to make it clear now that you and your partner will discuss and decide what is best for your child on all matters and unless an opinion is sought you would prefer to make your own choices. This is your child.
I would ask your partner to talk to them or do it together.

Having you child christened will not give them a relationship with God as you and your husband have proven with yourselves.

There is little point so let your children make their own decision when they're old enough if they want to.

It's hypocritical to go into a church and make vows before God anyway if you don't believe, don't let other people guilt trip you into it, and I say this as a Christian.

Your BIL is expecting to be godfather, you know.

Grey rock him with 'thank you for sharing your views, we will make our own choices for our child' moving to 'please can you change the subject or I will leave'. Stay calm, say it in front of others. Keep the high ground. Agree the plan with DH.

I would suggest that his mother isn't happy with your decision and I would imagine that the brother, and probably your DH knows this, however she is putting her feelings aside to maintain a relationship with you, which is a good thing for a mil to do.
Brothers should be able to talk to each other, even if the topic isn't to your taste, having a baby doesn't mean everyone should blindly agree with you, nor does it mean you should follow others advice.

Are you very sure you won't want to send them to Catholic school?

Ignore them. I was raised Catholic too bu stopped practicing many years ago. When I had my children my aunt would ring me constantly about the christening. She has fine this each time I've had a baby. I just give vague non committal answers.
That said I don't see or speak to her that often so it's easy enough to be vague. Like. others have said leave it to your partner to sort out and just ignore them if they speak to you.
Anyway are christenings actually happening at the moment?

How would they feel if you called them and tried to convince them NOT to christen their kids. They would be livid I’m guessing so why do they feel they can do it to you? It’s up to you and your partner. Do what you feel is best. I’m saying this as someone who is a Christian and did baptise my kids.

I was raised pretty traditionally Catholic and have known of DGP’s who have secretly gotten their GC baptised despite their parents being very adamantly against it so I’d watch out something like that doesn’t end up happening.

This happened to my youngest. His dad and I had agreed to let DS choose whether to follow a faith once he grew up and could decide for himself. MIL was a Catholic, and asked a few times, but seemed to respect our decision.
A few years later, DS, his dad, and grandparents, went on holiday to Greece, and when they got back, DS told me he'd been baptised, and described the priests walking in the church waving incense, etc.

I was angry that his dad had allowed it, but never said anything to him about it as our relationship was coming to the end, and it was too late to do anything about it. It just made me despise him even more.

OP, only say something if they bring it up with you directly, otherwise just let DH deal with his brother, and tell DH you don't want to hear any more about it.