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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I Being Unreasonable? Trouble with my in-laws

18 replies

MummaAshley · 25/08/2020 18:35

Hi all, I have been married for 3 years and we have one child together born in February. For the last three years we have seen my DH’s family probably less than 10 times, despite the fact that they live 5 mins drive away. My husband has never had a good word to say about them either, saying that he was badly cared for as a child and as he became an adult they only were interested in his money. (Which we don’t have much of I might add). When our baby was born, they started messaging us almost daily asking for money or gifts for their birthdays which were coming up. These gifts ranged from £200-400 each. I should mention here that they know we are struggling financially and that on our occasions we have never received so much as a card, even on our wedding day. They also have given nothing to our baby. They also have made it clear that they don’t approve of our relationship and ignore me every time I see them even if I ask them a direct question, they act as though I’m not even there. This makes me feel very uncomfortable as you can imagine. My husband decided to cut off contact in April after a big argument with them over their behaviour towards me got worse. I would cry every day and felt very low over it. After this i started receiving anonymous messages saying that my baby isn’t really my husbands, calling me lots of nasty things, and to top it off, telling me that my baby is ugly and should “Rot in hell”. I know this is a member of my husbands family as on the message calling my baby ugly, there was a picture attached of him. This picture was only sent to them. It was never posted online or sent to anyone else. My husband knows about this but hasn’t confronted his family even though he knows it is one of them behind it. Recently though he has said out of the blue that he wants to start talking to them again. I am in turmoil over this. I have told him that if that is what he needs to do then that’s fine but that I don’t want a relationship with them and I also don’t want our child to be involved with them after all that has happened. He thinks that they are going to change and that I am being unreasonable by saying that I don’t want them in his life. What do you all think? I am so stressed over this. Need advice.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 18:38

Let him talk to them. He will quickly learn these people will never change. Just be firm that you and your baby will have nothing to do with them.

Fancynancy01 · 25/08/2020 18:40

Stick to your guns, if he wants a relato ship with them on his head be it but you do not have to follow and allow everything to be brushed under the carpet. I would certainly not allow my child to be around this unhinged behaviour.

Your partner will hopefully respect your decision Flowers

caramac04 · 25/08/2020 18:42

I’d show the messages to the police as they are an offence under the Malicious Communications Act.
Your husband sounds scared of them and worried their actions will escalate and that’s why he wants to re-establish contact.
No way in hell would they see me or my baby after all that crap.

Leaannb · 25/08/2020 18:43

Seriously Leave

vincettenoir · 25/08/2020 18:44

That all sounds very difficult. I think that if you don’t want to spend time with them or have them in your home your partner needs to respect that. He should see them in a way that has minimal impact on you. Chances are it will all fizzle out with them again soon.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 25/08/2020 18:44

I very much doubt they've changed in this small amount of time. I was naive to think a family member of mines would/could change but I couldn't be more wrong. Trust your gut & be stern! He can see his family but you are not having anything to do with them.

firestarterdumdedum · 25/08/2020 18:45

He can have a relationship with them but you and your little one aren't. Tel him no more lending them money and you don't want to hear anything about them.

SmellsLikeFeet · 25/08/2020 18:48

Wow, why the sudden change of heart, there must be something
I'd be bloody furious

Kaiserin · 25/08/2020 19:08

I’d show the messages to the police as they are an offence under the Malicious Communications Act.
This.

I don't know if escalating the matter is the best approach at this stage, but do bear in mind it is an option.

hardboiledeggs · 25/08/2020 20:29

No chance in hell. Making comments on your child is crossing a line and I could not forgive my Husband if he allowed to that happen. They could call me what they like but insult my child, they would be dead to me.

FeedMeSantiago · 25/08/2020 21:36

After this i started receiving anonymous messages saying that my baby isn’t really my husbands, calling me lots of nasty things, and to top it off, telling me that my baby is ugly and should “Rot in hell”.

There's not a chance in hell that I would see these people again after that.

YADNBU!

Giraffey1 · 25/08/2020 21:40

Why on earth does your H want to resume a relationship with such poisonous people? They are not going to change their behaviour and he is only going to get hurt again.

Stand firm, if he will insist on letting them back in his life, you are having no.part of it and neither is your child.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 25/08/2020 21:44

So he is ok with them using his child in such a vile way? Really?
He is an adult. He can make his own decision but I would seriously question the judgement of anyone who behaved that way towards my partner or my child.
In a way, you not getting involved suits them fine as they get him to themselves to manipulate. I just couldn't get over bringing a baby into it.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 25/08/2020 21:46

..the judgement of anyone who wanted to have a relationship with anyone who behaved....
Bloody phone!

GabriellaMontez · 25/08/2020 22:00

I'd have nothing to do with them. Have you blocked those messages?

Beachbodylonggone · 25/08/2020 22:02

I would make sure you keep tab on any joint finances. Yanbu to want to stop the spongers sponging...

Greyblueeyes · 25/08/2020 22:04

I'm not understanding why he all of a sudden wants to get back in contact with such toxic people. This would concern me, OP.

They've been vile to you and have been demanding money and expensive gifts. Make sure you watch your bank accounts very closely.

Pandacub7 · 25/08/2020 22:45

You need to explain to your DH that no gift or displays of generosity will make his parents love and respect him. He sounds like he’s still traumatised (not surprised) by his childhood and may need to speak to someone, to get all of this off his chest. His parents have disrespected him, you and your DC. You all need to go no contact.

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