To ask my friend if everything’s alright at home?

[JPlusTwo]

Don’t know whether this will be too much of an intrusive question to ask?

Our primary aged DC’s have grown up together (we have toddlers within a few months of eachother too) and I know her and her long term partner have had a few rough spells (who hasn’t) but for the last 3/4 times I’ve been over to visit since lockdown easing, her partner seems just plain mean to her.
He picks obvious arguments with her, is just generally very grumpy/rude and it’s got to the point where I feel fairly uncomfortable witnessing the way he behaves towards her. But I don’t know whether it’s too much for me to tell her that and ask her if things are okay, or whether that’s really none of my business?

We meet up outside of her home often enough to have a chat without him around but I don’t want her to think I’m overstepping the mark

If you don't ask her, who else will?

It's just a question, hopefully she'll be honest with you.

If she says things are bad, what could you do to help?

@JPlusTwo

Don’t know whether this will be too much of an intrusive question to ask?

Our primary aged DC’s have grown up together (we have toddlers within a few months of eachother too) and I know her and her long term partner have had a few rough spells (who hasn’t) but for the last 3/4 times I’ve been over to visit since lockdown easing, her partner seems just plain mean to her.
He picks obvious arguments with her, is just generally very grumpy/rude and it’s got to the point where I feel fairly uncomfortable witnessing the way he behaves towards her. But I don’t know whether it’s too much for me to tell her that and ask her if things are okay, or whether that’s really none of my business?

We meet up outside of her home often enough to have a chat without him around but I don’t want her to think I’m overstepping the mark

If you are close friends, ask away. If you don't ask and something turns out to be very wrong, you will only regret that you didn't say anything. If she gets defensive, say you didn't mean to cause offense and that you are just looking out for her xx

Ask her. I’m sure she will understand that the question comes from a good place.

If you can’t help her , who else will
I would question , and if she opens up send her to Relationships page
Ask her to read a few threads
Does she see any parallels
I don’t want to go all LTB on this poor woman
But if it’s looks like a duck , quacks like a Duck
And if he is abusing her in front of people
What the hell is doing when people
Not around

Yes, I would ask. I have a friend who's been through similar. It turned out her DH was having an affair, which tbh was fairly obvious from the way he was behaving at home although she didn't know it at the time. I was the only person who asked, and after it all came out I was the only person who didn't advise her just to paper over the cracks. They're still together, but at least she has someone she can talk to when it all gets a bit much. None of her other friends can deal with any unpleasantness. It's not intrusive if you just open the door to talking without pushing an agenda.

If you’re prepared to help if she isn’t and not just nosy

Thanks for all your responses, I appreciate it.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague that’s really good to hear that perspective. I know there has been a history of emotional affairs within their relationship so maybe something similar appearing again. I feel like she has other good friends to confide in but I see her in her home more often than most, guess it’s easier to hide any problems from others that don’t come into their home.
@Notyouraveragecliche you’re right, I would be really disappointed if I said nothing and something was going on!
I will broach it with her when I see her in the week. Hopefully nothing is going on and there’s an explanation for his behaviour.

Just my two cents, but could you mention some of the challenges you’re having in lockdown and say something like ‘it’s not easy! How are things for you?’ Gives a segue into the conversation without being too pointed?

@Whitepriv it’s a good idea and that’s what I’ve been trying to do really, encourage her to offer something up without being direct about it. But in hindsight I’ve done it when he’s still been in the house so she may not have felt comfortable opening up. We’re going out in a few days with the kids for the afternoon so I will try to talk to her a bit better then. I was a bit wary of saying anything over text in case it came across in the wrong way or her DP read it

One thing you see in this forum a lot is women asking ‘AIBU?’ and then recounting quite obvious examples of verbal or physical abuse they are suffering. When we all tell them that yes, that’s abuse, it’s clear that they’ve become so accustomed to it they can no longer tell that it’s unacceptable.

For this reason, I’d not only ask her but mention that his behaviour doesn’t seem to be particularly nice to you as an observer.

Be prepared for her to lie to you though. I was in an abusive relationship but if anyone asked me, even my closest friends and family, things were great. I was just clumsy. I bruise easily. I didn't phone last night because we were watching a film together. I can't meet you next week because we've got plans. All sounded very convincing and even though some people obviously didn't believe me, I was so adamant I was happy that they couldn't have convinced me to tell the truth. That would have meant admitting that I was a verbal and physical punchbag, I had no self respect or self esteem, and just knew that if I left him I would be alone forever- because he had told me so and I was so broken that I believed him over my friends and family.

The best people watched and waited, and were there to pick up the pieces. Be one of them if your friend isn't ready or able to confide in you yet.