How to develop a thicker skin

[Verity35]

I know I can read millions of books and articles but I want advice from real people!

How can I develop a thicker skin and not let comments and negativity get to me? Not just directed to myself, when I see people get mistreated it also really upsets me. Reading AIBU especially really infuriates me! I’ve actually over the years reached out to many OP’s if I feel people have been overly harsh, which practically most threads are on here! In RL I witness so much rudeness that it’s just crazy how nasty people are!

I know I can’t change others and make the world a lovely kind place but how can I become more resilient and not get affected by nastiness all the time?

Thank you in response for your tips. (Praying there won’t be backlash and nastiness in this thread!).

You won't like this, but have you ever considered embracing your inner bitch?

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, etc.

It comes from inner peace and high self esteem.

I feel like I'm doing things right so comments against me don't register. I have a huge amount of inner peace, I'm happy and content with my choices, lifestyle, friends, and opinions, why would I care what anyone else thinks or has to say about me?!

I'm happy and content with my choices, lifestyle, friends, and opinions, why would I care what anyone else thinks or has to say about me?!

This!! My DH has this in spades and it's slowly starting to rub off on me! I used to be so sensitive to criticism but now I think 'fuck em'!

A good mantra I use is 'you cannot control what other people say or do, only how you react to it'

You need to give less fucks. More accurately, you need to learn where to give fucks and where it's a waste.

books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Subtle_Art_of_Not_Giving_a_F_ck.html?id=yng_CwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

Fewer! Not less

A colleague recently told me I was "the most ridiculously, over sensitive person she'd ever met". I cried for an hour then turned it around to accepting im empathetic, compassionate and a fairly decent person. She, however, is not.

So I find age helps... I was self-conscious, shy, diplomatic and eager to please when younger (from teenage to 20something) but i've grown a hide over the years. Recognise there are a lot of people/things beyond my control.

I've become a bitch, as a pp said best. Being direct and open doesnt mean being unkind and rude though.

For social media - learn to engage in constructive debate or go off it.
In RL - stand up for people and kindness - and never tolerate bullies

@MaMisled that's not on, to make a colleague cry

I came to it from a slightly different angle, but The Daily Stoic has really helped me put things into perspective.
The book is great. If you want to try before you buy have a look at their Facebook or Instagram.

Personally I think it's down to power and acceptance

I have changed over the years and I really don't care how I am perceived or what people think of me now. For two reasons

1...I know I'm a good person and accept that I will and have made mistakes. I apologise when needed, learn from it and move on. I accept I cannot please everyone and not everyone will like me. People have different opinions and that's fine with me

2...I won't allow people to hold that much power over me that what they say worries or hurts me. Only I can give people the power to do that.

Work on your self-esteem. If you're secure in your own decisions and opinions, other people's disapproval is irrelevant, or, at most, interesting.

As regards your sensitivity towards what you regard as other people's mistreatment -- on the one hand, that's good, and at the core of social justice. Channel it in useful directions, not pointless handwringing. Get involved in protests for good causes, support charities, volunteer with asylum seekers, teach literacy in prisons.

BUT -- if you are including 'most threads on Mn' as examples of people being 'mistreated' by others, then, in the nicest possible way, I think you might be including good advice, or challenges to an entrenched POV, delivered in a way you don't consider 'nice' as 'mistreatment'.

Absolutely Mn includes some people who are unpleasant to others, but it's certainly not the majority of people on the majority of threads. Some blunt advice is often more helpful than a well-meant but meaningless echo-chamber of 'U go, hun!!!'

Think about the person being critical of you. Is it someone you respect and someone who's good opinion you care about? Do they know what they're talking about? If not then ignore it

I think it comes from inner confidence. Don't expect others to validate anything for you, in fact EXPECT them not to and be content with your choices, opinions, decision making regardless.
Also, I think some people see sarcasm and cynicism as a negative all the time. Yes, of course there will be some genuine twatty comments on here, but most of the witty retorts I find clever and humorous. They're not generally hateful and malicious.

OP I used to be like you, I’d take things to heart quite a lot. I don’t know what changed in me but I just came to the slow realisation that nasty or hurtful comments to me said more about the person saying them.

Everything PPs have said is bang on.

Honestly. I've been at the receiving end of so many bitches (men and women!) that think they're all that, that now my skin is as thick as fuck. That's not to say I never cry or have lost all compassion and sensitivity. Realistically, the world's not the kindest place always and ultimately we're all on our own. You've got to learn to go out there and kick some ass. Quite frankly.

I'm happy with who I am, what I do, how I do it. I like to call it 'unfuckablewith'. I am also my own and best advocate and friend. And I no longer put up with people talking to me like shit. I talk back. Or I ignore. People tend to talk a lot of shit because it makes them feel less insecure. Not a lot phases me these days. I've been dragged through the mud so many times in my life, I just no longer give a flying fuck.

Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Sensitivity is no bad thing applied to being caring and empathic. But boundaries! Otherwise sensitive and empathic can be abused by other people. Learning how to say ‘no’ assertively and feeling ok with it when you do. There will always be folks who get off on being negative or even nasty. That is their misfortune and not your fault or your problem.

Boundaries! Yes. Not walls. Healthy boundaries. You can be a kind person and at the same person take no shit off others.