To not go and stay with in laws again?

[GreyAllTheWay]

My in laws are ex pats who live abroad. I hate flying to the point where Diazepam doesn't even take the edge off by much. We have been going to stay with them for 1-2 weeks a year and I don't enjoy it. I hate the flight as said, I hate the very close environment where I feel I can't relax and myself and DH can't even have a crossed word without being overheard and interrupted, and I suffer badly from anxiety and nearly always end up having a panic attack at some point while over there, which is embarrasing.
I am happy for DS and DH(3) to go over without me once current circumstances improve with COVID, and his parents come and stay with us sometimes for a few weeks and over christmas which is fine.
But AIBU to not go over there again?

I don't think it's unreasonable to not go again, considering your phobia etc. But I'd make a point to be as warm and welcoming as you can when they come to you.

But be ready for some bite-back when they find out you won't come again. As the saying goes, "roads go both ways", and they might (rightly) start to get frustrated when it's always them having to put in the grunt work of doing the travelling. Especially as they get older.

You'll need to get ready for a reputation as "the awkward one".

@zingally Thank you. I don't think I'm going to announce it that I won't be going over again, I'll probably just play it by ear.
As I said I don't have any issue with DH and DS going over without me, and they're the ones they want to see really if we're being honest!
I'm thinking once they get older and struggle with mobility etc, they will likely move back to the UK anyway.

Looking at the bigger picture, are you saying that a family holiday with dh and ds is forever out of bounds?

@piscean10 We tend to go on UK and caravan holidays, and really enjoy them. DH is very active (he's only 3) and trying to entertain him for the 5 hour flight while trying not to vomit with anxiety is hard work! I think when he's a bit older I would maybe go on a shorter flight eg spain maybe or france on the eurostar.. its not the flight alone its the 2 weeks cooped up with them and MIL judgemental comments that's a killer too! At least when they've over here I can escape if I need to, even if its just for a few hours.

Without knowing the destination, is there another way you can visit without flying, i.e. Eurostar, etc? Obviously, if the destination is outside of Europe, this may prove tricky and costly.

In regards to the second issue of not enjoying staying with the in-laws within their residence, could you and your family perhaps stay in a hotel or alternative accommodation, so you can see the family but not have to stay with them within their residence the whole duration of the trip?

A friend of mine spent decades unable to fly because of her phobia. When she was heading to 60 her son moved to the far side of Canada she reluctantly agreed to try hypnosis and it worked. She can fly anywhere now.

If you could overcome the fear of flyin g, perhaps you could visit the inlaws country but stay somewhere else?

How does your DH feel about you not going? It doesn’t sound unreasonable to me but if he really counts on you being there that is an important factor. I know my family can be a lot but I would hate to visit them without my husband. He is my “buffer” against the crazy. Also when I am in my hometown I like to see old friends, which would be hard if I had to manage the kids on my own. (My family are minimally helpful.) I know my DH doesn’t love it but it’s something we do as a family. But that’s just us. I see you only have one child so that’s easier, and if your DH is happy to go without you then YANBU yo stay home.

I wouldn't announce it as a forever thing.

I would agree with DH that next time he will take the children there on his own, you will do something else and excuses will be made, then afterwards you and he will discuss how it worked and what will happen next year.

Where do they live?

If you would be OK with your husband saying that he would never go and see your parents again then it's fine.

Yes, don’t go.
Send the kids with dad and have the PIL over to you.

Of course it's fine. They're not your parents and the people who need and want to maintain the relationships are free to do so.

How the hell could they hold this against OP?
If she doesn't want to go their son is free to.
If he then chooses not to that's a conversation they need to have with him.

One of my friend's family live a 90 minute flight away (he moved to the UK) and his parents refuse to fly at all costs.

The costs being destroying the relationship between grandparents/grandchild, any trip being my friend flying home to them or them travelling for 24 hours on alternative, complicated public transport including transit across 2 cities.

I hate flying, and can understand the panic attacks in the air. God, my stomach turns watching planes on the TV never mind by even contemplating my own travels. But it is an uncomfortable means to an end. I take all sorts of medication, white noise/crap loud music on ipod, tried hypnosis which made some difference, visualising the beach/Hotel etc.

It sounds like you need to get on top of your anxiety in general as reading the op you struggle when you get there too and could be using the flying as a bit of a red herring.

Please don't let this horrible debilitating phobia rule your life and restrict your kids' adventures.

Thank you very much everyone for your replies. They live in Cyprus, so unfortunately a 4.5-5hr flight is the only way to get there.
They moved over there not long after me and DH met 9 years ago, so DH has no other friends or family over there other than them.
If we book flights I literally dread the months/weeks leading up to it and feel on edge the whole time we’re there and then have to fly again to get home! I just feel I don’t enjoy it and it causes more anxiety than it’s worth.. I know DS is perfectly safe with DH so I wouldn’t worry too much there.
I do suffer with anxiety quite badly which is made worse when I’m away from my ‘comfort zone’ I’ve suggested getting a hotel as then at least we would have our own base to go back to, but it was met with much offence!
I’ve tried CBT but it didn’t help an awful lot.. I might try hypnosis when we have the funds! x

Skipping the next trip seems like a good plan. Particularly if you can’t get your own accommodation. Can you find a hen do/work conference or something that clashes with a good time for DH to go?

I used to fly with diazepam/gin but now fly without following hypnosis. Best to try it out on a short flight though.

Get a eurostar London to Austria. There is a night train from Austria to isatanbul then internal trains to South of Turkey and a boat to Cyprus? If you particularly wanted to see them but avoid flying, obviously quite a faff but dh and kids could fly and you could take trains.

However much simpler to let dh go and stay home and chill. Perhaps do every other year/ few years by train.

I think for the sake of your entire family—and not just to see your in-laws—you need to get help and combat your phobia.

You say you “tried CBT and it didn’t work”, and it sounds like you just gave up. CBT only works if you put the effort in and do everything you’re told; they don’t have a magic wand to fix you, you need to do it yourself with the tools they give you.

So rather than using your phobia as an excuse not to see your in-laws, and not to take holidays abroad with your nuclear family, you should work on getting over it.

Thanks everyone x

For anyone who has a fear of flying BA do a fear of flying course which is meant to be very helpful and also Allen Carr has a fear of flying book which you could try