Did I have a bad childhood?

[Olivia0592]

My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother and I were split 50/50 between mum and dad's house. Life with my mum was very chaotic. She had a string of different boyfriends who she used to loudly have sex with whilst my brother and I were walking around the house, some of these men were as young as 24 (she was mid 40s). She used to drag my brother and I to the pub after school and we would sit in the corner whilst she got drunk with her friends. I vividly remember refusing to get in the car home from the pub with her one night as she was intoxicated and her screaming at me that I was "ridiclous", I was 11 years old. If we weren't taken to the pub then we were left at home with a babysitter whilst she went clubbing and I would sit up waiting for her to come home, worrying that she was dead if it got too late, 99% of the time she would bring a new man home and would have loud sex with him, I remember once it was the local drug dealer. We never had enough money for the food shop as she would prioritise getting her highlights done first and if this was pointed out to her we would be told we were selfish and she is entitled to treat herself. This carried on until I was about 18-20 years old and I left home. Now I have my own lovely DC and am also a single mum but have vowed to never make the choices she did. Strangely, my mum has now mellowed a lot and is a great nan to my kids but she has never acknowledged how she was and tries to pretend it didn't happen. I suffer from low self esteem and issues around sex and feel that it is related to my childhood. Did I have a bad upbringing? Do I need to speak to someone about this? :(

You really need to ask?

Sometimes it's not until we have children ourselves and realise that we would never in a million years subject them to what we went through that we can see just how awful things were.
Your mother was awful during that time.

Yes that’s a very tough childhood but only you know if you need to see someone to sort out the issues involved.
It wouldn’t be at all unreasonable if you did need this help

Sorry to read about your childhood. It seems like you missed out on lots of the essential stuff and exposed to pretty damaging behaviours . It also seems to me that you are ready to start work on healing yourself. Therapy is a great place to begin. The key is to find a person you gel with. Please persist if the first one doesn't work out. Good luck.

I would say it was a 'bad ' childhood as she put her own needs of alcohol and casual sex above you and your brother. Not only did she put herself in danger but potentially you and your sibling as well by leading this hedonistic lifestyle.
As someone who put her children first , i find this very strange but I appreciate that there may have been reasons she behaved this way. It's good she has mellowed out and is a good nan now, but I would imagine your own mental health and self esteem have been affected by her actions in the past. It sounds awful to not have any money whilst she spent it on her hair or drinking or going out . I would find this unforgivable , but then my parents wasn't like this and paying the rent and the food bills was much more important to them than going out. They had different priorities.
How is your brother dealing with this?

I hope your ok and it is good you have a relationship with your mum as many wouldn't bother at all and might have gone 'no contact ' as she clearly didn't care much for you when you were at your most vulnerable and needed love and care.
I have a relative whose dad was an alcoholic but she idolized him , so I know these things are not always ' black and white' when it comes to our parents.

My neighbour is like this to her kids. We hear her noises through the wall and her kids are in the house. Her boyfriend is a lot younger than her, he doesnt stay to look after the kids when she goes out. The kids have been indoors all day for months whilst she is at work. She gets home at 8.30pm most nights, so presume they are cooking their own tea. Yesterday was a lovely day and the kids friends were playing in the street outside their house. They arent allowed out in case someone susses out they are on their own.

In a word, yes. It was neglect and emotional abuse, and having loud sex while you were in the house and able to hear is sexual abuse. It sounds like your mother had some serious issues of her own but that doesn’t excuse putting you and your brother through all that. If you can afford some therapy and you think it might help then go for it.

@Orchidsindoors I’d be informing SS about your neighbour if I were you. That sounds awful for the poor kids.

You had a terrible childhood. The best thing you could do is confront it and process it. I've had to do this. It's bloody painful but it's like a purge.
There's this song I came upon the first time a couple of years back (and I am now the biggest fan of its singer!) called The Only Thing by a guy called Sufjan Stevens. And it's actually about his mother's death and how the unresolved waste from his damaged childhood kind of lapped up on the shoreline. He had to confront it. And he wrote an incredibly beautiful song as part of his own process. I stumbled upon this song while in the middle of my own grief, this bereavement I was going through as I lost my (still living) mom (once again) to the needs of my drug-addicted brother. It's an ongoing theme in my life. We grew up together and in a nutshell, all I can say is, what a shit childhood it is to live with a violent drug addict. It made a shit parent out of an otherwise potentially loving woman. Anyway, I am going on about me.

My point is, there's a line in this song, "Slain Medusa, Pegasus alight from us all," which is a reference to the slaying of Medusa by the Greek hero Perseus. The severing of her head releases/frees her children Pegasus and Chrysaor. I've revisited this line a lot over the past couple of years. Though my mum is not dead, confronting this pain has been like a slaying of Medusa- brutal and difficult, yet freeing, utterly freeing. For the first time in almost 50 years of being alive, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel like a person who doesn't deserve love. I have lived my life feeling undeserving of kindness from others. I am sure you know this feeling too.

You can self-refer for therapy here and it's worth it: www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

Your mum can't heal you. I wish she could. I wish mine could. I long for a mother's love and that longing will never leave me. Maybe you'll never be able to confront the past with your mum. Maybe, to her, being mellow and kind now in older age and proving herself as a supportive grandmother is her way of reconciling the past. You'll have to find a way of reconciling your own past that works for you. I wish you luck and joy in your life. It's a tough crossroads, this confronting of the past. May you get through it with peace in your heart and a weight lifted from your shoulders. Love your children as you wish to have been loved and know that you can and will heal. Those dark stains from the past become badges of courage and you will live a whole life, knowing the possibility of a mother's love based on your own goodness.

It doesn't sound great sadly.

I think you have had a very difficult childhood yes.That said sometimes as painful as it is to acknowledge it ,sometimes it may help you in the long run .Maybe some Counselling would help? It is good that you have a relationship with DM now ,as many people would choose not to in these circumstances .I would not worry about being a good Mum to your children ,you sound lovely to me and very aware of mistakes your DM made .It is hard to be a SP , and sometimes poor choices are made(not excusing her behaviour BTW)! Maybe she felt she had to validate herself by always needing"company" with unsuitable men ,or was she very young when she had you both ? Again not an excuse but trying to see where she was coming from.Try to talk this through with a professional if you can ,You are doing great ATM so dont worry!

@orchidindoors you have a responsibility to report this to social services or the police

@Olivia0592 it sounds like a tough childhood, I'm glad you can move forward giving your own children a better life

Sometimes it's not until we have children ourselves and realise that we would never in a million years subject them to what we went through that we can see just how awful things were.

Yes I agree with this. My dad was very intimidating and would regularly shout his head off, slam doors and throw things. As a child I thought it was just what dads were like. It's only now many of my peers are having children that I realise how unacceptable that is. He has also mellowed a lot as he's gotten older and I'm sure he would also deny it ever happened.

She sounds neglectful, but there have been worse parents out there too. I can see why it would have caused you issues as you must have felt neglected and like you were not an important part of her life. Some situations of having to fend for yourself a bit arise due to circumstances - my mother was a single parent and I had to cook and sort things out for myself as she needed to work. She did have boyfriend's (and I did hear her have sex!), but I always felt loved and was fed. I did worry about her sometimes, but that was because she didn't value herself enough and didn't pick the best guys. They weren't abusive though and my house didn't feel chaotic.

It sounds like she put these guys coming in and out of her life first. Maybe she thought these guys were a route to something better for all of you or just wasn't coping very well. It is no excuse though.

It sounds like she is very different now and you could talk to her about it, but would you get anything out of doing that, since she has changed now? She might tell you why she behaved like that, which might help you feel better, but it may create friction in future.

If you feel past experiences are impacting your life now, a book I find helpful is 'Reinventing Your Life' (Young & Klosko) which looks at how your childhood experiences influence your behaviour. It sounds like you have learnt from your mum's mistakes, you just need to remember that how she made you feel as a child isn't how others feel about you now.

Thanks everyone. Your responses have been really helpful.

Where was your dad in all this?

I've considered reporting it on many occasions, but I figure she will just say it's just the once etc. ..when it's pretty much been since March.

Hugs 🤗 sometimes we don't realise how messed up our childhoods are until we are older and have our own dc.

I say this because I didn't have a normal childhood. I was never neglected or abused myself but I witnessed abuse, shouting, screaming, arguing etc. My mum was always going out and like your mum had different men back at the house all the time. I was emotionally abused my stepdad as a teen etc. Amongst other things. I won't bore you with the details.

At the time that was my life. I think that because we ate well, we had nice clothes and were clean etc issues were never picked up on (I think this was my mums way of masking the seller issues). I moved out at 18 and it's then I realised how messed up my childhood was at the time. Also when I met my partner he spoke about childhood differently to mine and then had our own children.

I'm in my twenties now! My mum never talks about what happened. I honestly think she either doesn't see the problem or believes I cannot remember much or I exaggerate it all. I am too scared to talk about it to her. She will just dismiss it again. She's a very self absorbed person. She's also played the victim.

Not much advice but yeah your childhood doesn't sound ideal. I am considering counselling. I feel I will really benefit from it.

🌸🌼

I had a poor but loving childhood. No money and pass me down clothes but I always knew my mum loved me and would put my needs first.
My parents divorced in the late 60’s when there was still a stigma to divorce. No CSA, No tax credits or free hours childcare. I spent a lot of time sitting outside houses in the more middle class area of where we lived whilst my mum went in to clean.

Well I would say you didn't have a great upbringing on your mums part.

I know exactly where you are coming from though. I now have 1 DC and another on the way and I now no longer have any relationship with my parents as a result of not being able to understand what they put me and my sister through. It definately could of been worse but I witness such a horrible extent of domestic violence, watched my dad kick my mums front teeth out. He used to rip up all of our clothes in his rage also. I vividly remember my dad sleeping with my mums best friend downstairs while my slept upstairs. At one point my dad was put in jail but my mum didn't want anything to come of it. She stayed with him and I cannot understand this as a mother now. Why she would continue to put her children through that instead of making a better life for her and my sister and I. She had plenty of family that would have helped.

I could never ever imagine putting my children through that. Not in a million years. My mum is a good Nana but she defends my dad, even when he makes racist comments. This is actually what has ended our relationship lately. I cannot stand my dad, nor do I even acknowledge him anymore as my father as he has caused me way more grief than he has ever shown in love.

Again, this was masked as we were fed, had a bought house, had clean and new clothes bought (all the time because they would get ripped up) and we went on nice holidays. I would rather not have had some of those things as the mental issues my childhood has left me with are not worth it.

Yes, definitely. Sorry you went through that, op.