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Thingybobbyboo · 2020-08-25T04:33:53+00:00

Recent conversations (by msg) with ex husband. Me: Our DD is starting school, shall we talk about which days you’ll pick her up and when you have her in school holidays? Him: I work Me: I work too. Let’s discuss. Him: No This is ridiculous right?! Obviously on the long list of reasons we are not together but ffs how many people (so tempted to say men but will resist) have this attitude? And what can be done to address the massive inequality?

pinkyboots1 · 25/08/2020 05:39

Ex was exactly the same (and still is 14 years later!) he has absolutely no idea how much work and effort it takes to raise kids and does as little as possible, my kids are now older and more self reliant which has been a godsend...

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 05:47

Well done to you @pinkyboots1! I’m expecting similar, although would LOVE to be proved wrong.

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AyeCorona1 · 25/08/2020 06:14

What is his usual contact schedule? It is usual for him to pay for childcare on his days eg midweek and EOW - he pays for the midweek day and Friday from 3.30 until the time he collects.

Time to formalise contact via court op? This should set out when dd will be available for contact (assuming you are resident parent) including holidays, but there is little you can do to force him to see her/arrange/pay for childcare on his days. It's is a shitty situation.

Try and make sure all discussion is done by text /email so you have a trail.

pinkyboots1 · 25/08/2020 07:09

Definitely agree with getting things written down in either screenshots, emails etc my ex would give me so much grief for asking and call me a bad mother etc etc for even asking so it became very important to me mentally that I could see for myself that I was being reasonable, polite and with the kids best interest at heart. I knew I wasn't being a 'bad' parent but he knew the best way to get at me was via the kids

Sirzy · 25/08/2020 07:12

What’s the usual contact arrangement?

Surely the discussion should be about how your going to sort of after school care (childminder/ after school club) if you both work?

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 18:34

@AyeCorona1He currently refuses any more contact than EOW despite living 5 mins away and having flexible work hours. I am definitely at the point of wanting to formalise agreement in court, I wasn’t sure if it was worth it as I am all too aware there is nothing that can be done to force more contact. However it’s got to the point, similar to @pinkyboots1 where he tries to suggest I am making things difficult. I am not.

Child support is negligible as he is financially supported by gf. He pays £7 per week. Which is almost funny it’s so ridiculous.

@Sirzy We both can work flexibly so yes after school childcare is an option but if he wasn’t refusing he could pick her up. I can work 9.30-2.30 then catch up in evenings too.

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Leaannb · 25/08/2020 18:39

[quote Thingybobbyboo]**@AyeCorona1He* currently refuses any more contact than EOW despite living 5 mins away and having flexible work hours. I am definitely at the point of wanting to formalise agreement in court, I wasn’t sure if it was worth it as I am all too aware there is nothing that can be done to force more contact. However it’s got to the point, similar to @pinkyboots1* where he tries to suggest I am making things difficult. I am not.

Child support is negligible as he is financially supported by gf. He pays £7 per week. Which is almost funny it’s so ridiculous.

@Sirzy We both can work flexibly so yes after school childcare is an option but if he wasn’t refusing he could pick her up. I can work 9.30-2.30 then catch up in evenings too.[/quote]
Nothing you can do to change anything..Go to court but they aren't going to force him into more time. You know he is only wanting them EOW so why did you expect him to handle drop off and pick up? You knew he wouldn't do it

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 19:18

@Leaannb I didn’t expect him to handle pick up and drop off. I didn’t say that. You sound like him! 😆

I thought there was a small chance he might pick her up from school once a week and have her for tea time. And I thought he might have her for part of holidays. A day or two at Xmas or a week in the summer maybe. Wouldn’t a lot of separated dads do that?!

And I sent the message because I think he is being unreasonable to not do more.

I know full well court cannot do anything to force contact.

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Leaannb · 25/08/2020 19:34

[quote Thingybobbyboo]@Leaannb I didn’t expect him to handle pick up and drop off. I didn’t say that. You sound like him! 😆

I thought there was a small chance he might pick her up from school once a week and have her for tea time. And I thought he might have her for part of holidays. A day or two at Xmas or a week in the summer maybe. Wouldn’t a lot of separated dads do that?!

And I sent the message because I think he is being unreasonable to not do more.

I know full well court cannot do anything to force contact.[/quote]
Really? You didn't say that? Its right there in your OP that you messaged him to discuss pick up and drop off? Whats there to discuss if you aren't expecting him to jelp with that? You didn't think there was a small chance of anything. As you stated previously that he only wants EOW...He has told you that. Thats all he has ever done was EOW. Why would it change with the child going to school? You knew how he felt and decided to bring it up anyway. Not under any belief that he would want this but to just stir the pot. Thats why you are being unreasonable

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 19:55

@Leaannb

I can see I put ‘pick up’ and days. I meant day. Typo. I did not mention drop off. As stated I expected he would pick up one day and see DD in some holidays, that’s what I wanted to discuss.

He hasn’t actually said clearly he only wants EOW. He tends to say to other people he would see DD more if I let him.

I did think there was a chance. Surely you can’t tell me what I did or did not think?

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FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/08/2020 20:00

You know he is only wanting them EOW so why did you expect him to handle drop off and pick up?

Because as the child's father he's equally responsible for pick ups and drop offs. Because as the child's father he has a duty to fulfil. I hate the idea that Mums end up doing everything because Dads "don't want to".

nc600 · 25/08/2020 20:07

I'd stop asking him questions and agree that it appears you knew the answer before you messaged him.

However, if you want him to have her more and a more formal agreement then I'd either go to court and have it formalised or I would message him and rephrase without the "let's discuss". He doesn't want to talk to you so you'll get nowhere.

Eg. "Hi, from the start of September we can continue with the EOW arrangement and I'll do all school drop offs and collect Mon, Tues, Wed. You collect Thurs and keep her for tea until 7pm. Let me know if this doesn't suit and you'd prefer a different pick up day."

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 20:14

@FudgeBrownie2019 I agree there. One day when I have another relationship it will be with a man who drops off & picks up his kids without making an issue of it... just like it’s a normal thing... (....if he has any!)

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Pumperthepumper · 25/08/2020 20:42

@FudgeBrownie2019

You know he is only wanting them EOW so why did you expect him to handle drop off and pick up?

Because as the child's father he's equally responsible for pick ups and drop offs. Because as the child's father he has a duty to fulfil. I hate the idea that Mums end up doing everything because Dads "don't want to".

Absolutely this. As usual, the bar for fathers barely off the ground.

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 20:49

@nc600 I will definitely think carefully about how I phrase any future communication. I’ll keep your wording in mind.

Thanks to all for helping me think clearly about what I was looking for from my msg. I am really frustrated about general lack of equality in parenting. For me and many others.

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nc600 · 25/08/2020 21:08

Yes, definitely stop giving him the easy way out. You asking to discuss, him replying "no".....I'm sure he'll then explain that away as not being able to discuss anything with you (because of your oh so unreasonable behaviour).

No questions, just "this is what's happening, if I hear nothing I can see you've read my message so I'll accept that as your agreement to the arrangement".

And yeah, mostly falls to women this stuff and it should be challenged. My stepdaughters Mother was the one who didn't even agree to EOW though so it does happen

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 21:49

@nc600 That’s helpful.

Sorry to hear about your stepdaughter’s mother, that’s equally unfair and wrong too.

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conduitoffortune · 25/08/2020 21:54

Bet he's adamant he wants her for at least part of Christmas Day though! None of the grunt work, half of the glory.

Original poster

Thingybobbyboo · 25/08/2020 22:04

@conduitoffortune I could ask him nicely if he wouldn’t mind looking after DD on Xmas day as a favour to me because I really need a rest. Or want to spend Xmas with my imaginary lover. I’d expect he would become unavailable quick as!

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TeaAndBrie · 25/08/2020 22:20

My DD is 14, her dad hasn't taken her to school once in 9 years.
He has only ever attended 1 parents evening.
He has collected her but mainly he gets his mum to collect her instead.
He will have her half of the holidays normally though but always on his terms.
No advice I'm afraid. It's incredibly frustrating.