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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think if you can't afford a dog you shouldn't have one?

36 replies

Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 04:16

I can see both sides, that a dog is a huge comfort and companion to those with and without money, but I'm closer to the side of the animal (because I'm that heartless I feel more for animals than people sometimes)

Someone in my family has an old dog in a terrible condition completely caused by his inability to pay for a vet to see it. Last time I saw the dog in this state (I do not go into his house if I can avoid it) I took the dog to the vet, got her fixed up, got her medication and gave her a damn good grooming (german shepherd, lots of stuck shed). Her ear infection cleared up because the medication worked. I paid for the follow up visit and some more drops too.

Fast forward a few months and the dog looks worse than ever, head hanging to the side, barely able to move, coat is more shed than normal coat. I'm angry. Extremely angry. I confronted him and he said he was going to get her put down because she's old and ill.

I just can't comprehend this. He made sure her last months were miserable when he could have given her up to someone who could take care of her. There wouldn't have been a bad ear infection causing her to decay early because someone else would have kept an eye on the dirt in her ears.

What do you think? Should he have done the decent thing long ago and admitted he can't afford to take care of her? (I believe someone else buys the dog food) Or was it fair to keep her and let her suffer in pain because as he says it, it's his dog and his choice?

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 25/08/2020 04:25

That poor dog. I'd have found the nearest PDSA which offers care for pets for those struggling financially & taken her there .I think you pay what you can afford.. If he refused it I'd report him to the RSPCA.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 04:29

Unfortunately I don't believe that exists in Sweden, where we live. We don't have charity shops (at least in my town) food banks or any kind of financial support system outside of government benefits which cater purely for household expenses.

OP posts:
AlCalavicci · 25/08/2020 04:38

I realise ( esp at the moment ) some people find themselves suddenly very short of money and can't always afford large vets bills but as PP said he should of taken the poor thing to the pdsa , or spoke to the vets about paying for the treatment in instalments.
it's his dog it's his choice is a terrible argument it should be it's his dog it's his duty to have it treated properly .

If he can not afford food and vets bills he should give the poor thing up to a rehoming center.

What is his financial life style like ? Can he pay his bills , feed himself , pay gas and electricity?
Although I fully realise this is not your responsibility could you help him by going through his bills and helping him to get more financially stable , long-term it would help dog

Original poster
Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 04:50

No he can't pay for anything. I don't know what his income is but I believe his mother pays for most of it. I don't know how he stays afloat as he doesn't work, he's on long term sick leave and I don't see him ever going to work again.

I'm sorry if this is drip feeding, but he's my ex, and the father of my only child and if it wasn't for her he would have been cut from my life the moment I left because he's wrong in many, many ways. If I want anything done I talk to his mother, who won't hear a bad word about him so I don't bother, but she will get on to him about stuff and inevitably pay for everything.

He said he'd call the vet yesterday. I called after 4pm and asked about it. He said he 'forgot'. How can you forget the sight of your dog hanging her head nearly upside down and hobbling around in pain? I think he's ashamed and he knows that quite rightly the vet will see right through him.

I know some people will ask that I see things from his point of view and believe me I've tried that, I really have, but I was expecting him to get something done about his situation. He is depressed and I know full well depression stops you making any major changes but there's only so far I will intrude for the sake of my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 04:51

Sorry, the subject of my ex winds me up so badly that I usually press an 'off' switch the minute I hear anything about him. I'm talking on here because it's more or less anonymous.

OP posts:
wannabebump · 25/08/2020 04:54

YANBU. I get too that animals can be a comfort regardless of financial situation, but it is cruel to cause them any suffering.

Bless you for helping the dog last time... sorry you're going to have that battle again.x

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2020 05:12

Awful. Scumbag. Poor dog. Can you take the dog again? Or report him?

AlCalavicci · 25/08/2020 06:34

Was the dog both of your or did he get her after you split up ?
Could you take the dog , can you give it the time and money she needs . Possible even 'buy ' her of him ?
Even if it means you giving the dog up for adoption . I know that it would be very underhand to do that but it's in the dogs best interest and long term probably good for your ex too .

Lowprofilename · 25/08/2020 06:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

OddBoots · 25/08/2020 06:51

I know this isn't your point but it doesn't take money to groom and do basic cleaning and checks on a dog, it doesn't sound like money for the vet is the biggest problem with this dog owner.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 07:43

He got the dog before we met. She's a lovely thing. He's never taken care of her. Barely took her for walks. Never trained her just shouted.

He used to lock her in a room while he did 12-14 hour shifts as a chef before we met. I know this because he tried to do it while I was there visiting him as she was jumpy, and I saw the room was full of dog hair and well circled patches on the carpet. It was the size of a small bathroom with a bed literally wall to wall.

I was shocked but I had fallen in love so my stupid head decided 'it's ok now I will take care of her' which I did until I moved out two years later.

OP posts:
Lovebug06 · 25/08/2020 08:13

That poor poor dog. What a sad and miserable life. I'm she knew love from you op. He shouldn't have had her, no. That's not just financial its neglect

AlCalavicci · 25/08/2020 08:56

Pp are right, it is not a case of not having the money up look after her , it cost absolutely nothing to brush her and I would imagine not a great deal to keep her ears in good condition.
It sounds like both her physical and mental health are suffering .
And will it is very good of you to take her
to the vets i dont think that is the long term soultion. She needs to be rehomed if possible with you or if not then with someone that can care for her.
Could you approach his mum and see if she can get her son to give the dog up ?

Stefoscope · 25/08/2020 09:05

YANBU. At the end of the day a dog depends on it's owner to provide for them, they're not just a possession. It's extremely sad for the dog in this scenario as it will have bonded to your ex and has had a shitty life, so this level of mistreatment is 'normal life' for her. She would likely have a very difficult time adjusting to a new owner, especially given her poor health. I think I would have to try to find someone who would work to rehabilitate her if the vet thinks her physical health can be treated. I would want to make sure she isn't just getting passed from owner to owner though.

Bamaluz · 25/08/2020 09:18

Do you have the equivalent of the RSPCA there? If so I would report him for neglect and hopefully they would either make him see sense and take the dig to a vet, or take the dog off him.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 25/08/2020 15:22

The Swedish SPCA website seems to only have a rehoming service. I can't find any links to report anything. I looked up what was on the police page and found it should be reported to a countywide authority. I haven't reported the actual dog and owner but I have sent a message whether it constitutes abuse and if so, what should I do about it?

No answer from them, but I got a text from my ex saying the dog is booked in on Friday. He also asked for money to buy treats for the dog. Not gonna happen. I will buy something for her but he's not getting money.

OP posts:
Princessbanana · 25/08/2020 15:46

Is there any way you can take the dog and keep giving him his medication until he can be rehomed to someone that does want him?

Norabird · 25/08/2020 15:55

What would happen if you just took the dog? Would he try and get her back off you? Sounds like he's too rubbish to bother tbh...

If you don't want to do that then probably the kindest thing is to let him get her PTS because at least that way she won't be suffering any more Sad.

krustykittens · 25/08/2020 16:13

From your updates, OP, he has been a cruel and neglectful owner from the start. It costs fuck all to groom a dog and keep it's ear clean, he's just lazy and doesn't care that the dog suffers as a result. You could rehome the dog or PTS to stop her suffering but what are the odds he will get another dog from somewhere? He's a prick.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 26/08/2020 04:05

Yes it worries me he'll get another dog to use as an emotional crutch. He already has another dog, a small staffie type. She's a lovely little thing but very shy (wonder why?) and as she's very young so far there's no issues. It's not like he uses them for companionship either, he ignores them far as I can see. Throws them out into a garden full of dog shit (I'm not kidding, there was no grass left just mud and shit so even my daughter can't use her outside toys)

I really need to take this whole situation to the relationships forum I think :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 26/08/2020 04:08

He texted to tell me that the dog has a vet appointment on Friday. Then asked me for money to give his dog treats until then.

I'm torn about that. On one hand the dog deserves a bit of pampering in her final days, on the other a last minute scrabble to throw food at a dog to assuage his own guilt makes me boil.

I told him to give her a brush and lots of attention as that's all she ever really needed (before the bad infection) and that I'd see if I could pick something up at the shops today.

The man does not get a penny more from me.

OP posts:
AlCalavicci · 28/08/2020 20:43

@Boomerwang , Did he take her to the vets ? How is she ?

eatsleepread · 28/08/2020 20:47

Poor old girl Sad
YANBU.
Bet you're glad he's your ex though! Grin

WhoWants2Know · 28/08/2020 23:03

I'm dubious that he's just decided the dog needs to be put down without having any examination by the vet first. Ear infection and moulting shouldn't be terminal issues.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/08/2020 23:10

Could you take her and get her better again and if possible get her regimes if you don’t want her.
My heart goes out to the poor girl and to the staffie and any other dogs he gets who will no doubt end up the same way.

I would definitely have reported him.

Did he take her or did he forget.

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