Aibu - talking about dealing with expenses from an estate in advance

[Happyview]

My MIL is tight with money. At least with us. I can’t count the times that she has walked off ‘to make a phone call’ when a bill arrived leaving us to pay or we have contributed significantly more to things over other family members. Now, I understand the thinking in a way (‘they can afford It’ and we can) but I do get a little sick of this as whilst we have made our own way, i was significantly helped before he even entered my life and his side, as I say, will mainly look to the main chance so whilst we are undoubtedly a team in every sense, I do look out for grabby behaviour.

DH has three siblings, all of whom have been helped out. One very significantly. But certainly for her it’s been because of a totally self inflicted disaster. She is lazy and dependent and won’t listen to good advice (tho I am still expected to give it as I have everything sorted).

With all this background, aibu to be a little shocked when MIL casually announces that when she dies (tho not ill) ‘you would take care of expenses, it won’t be much and you would get it back from the estate at some point but you could be subsidising short term’ with a half shrug of the shoulders. Now, we would get it back - the estate would be worth more and my DH is executor so I guess it would fall to him. But am I a bit shocked that considering the background and no warning, it’s a little bit odd that this is just suddenly part of the piece... Or am I just thinking too much in it as I am going to pop twins in a month?

It's a long while ago now, so arrangements may have changed, but when my DM died, the local branch of our bank mentioned the possibility of setting up an "executor's account" while her account was frozen. to deal with expenses as they arose. (My account was held at the same branch - I don't know if that is significant.)
As it was, I had no need of this, as I had sufficient reserves of my own, and I knew that would inherit as sole heir when the estate was wound up.
But if your MIL is of a similar vintage to me, this may be what is lurking in in her memory. Having said that, the lack of consultation does seem a bit (!) presumptuous. What happens if, God forbid, your DH is not able to discharge this duty?
My less charitable side might suspect a slight stirring to divert attention from the imminent twins.
I'd just concentrate on the safe arrival of your sprogs - congratulations

It’s not about the money - we have the means without thinking. It’s more the casual ‘you can do this can’t you’ attitude. I hear a lot about how ‘families share’ and as the DS is having to be loaned more money and DB has a big project that could stretch them I was just thinking is this the start. I think it’s all over playing in my head tho.

Yanbu to be pissed off at the presumption.

When my gm died, my DF had power of attorney which he didn't realise ended at her death and was sole heir and executor so didn't realise her account froze at the time he informed the bank of her death. It was only discovered when the final care home bill wasn't paid directly from her account, and he didn't have the liquid assets to pay it off. Thankfully the bank manager agreed to allowing the care home to be paid from her account plus undertaker/crematorium fees to be paid. He did have to cover things like the wake but he had enough available to do this.

It may be worth looking into options like that or an executor account as pp mentioned rather than agreeing to fund it.

If it's funeral expenses she's getting at, given her history I'd be tempted to forward her ads for direct cremation...

My MIL has been planning her funeral since I've known her, if we don't have a coffin carried by horse drawn carriage (black stallions), with full floral arrangements, wailing and rending of clothes by the graveside followed by a slap up wake - I'm going to get seriously haunted!

This is why I think people should prepay their own funeral in advance. It's much better value, doesn't leave you open to price hikes when you are vulnerable/grieving. I would suggest that to her.

I wonder if DM has discussed it with the DS/DB and expect you to pay it all without any contribution from them.
I would be suspicious that if you paid all the funeral expenses etc the famiy not would expect to pay you back out of the estate and would expect to receive their portion of the gross amount of the inheritance not the net.
When my FIL died we sent the bills - funeral, household bills, etc to the solictor and they paid them as none of the relatives had sufficient money available to pay them. Once it was all settled the solictor gave us a breakdown listing all payments they had made and the balance was divided according to the will.

So wound up my own father's estate this year. Obtaining probate can now be done online and I found it relatively straight forward. Once you have this, then you can pay any bills for a funeral etc that arise. A number of banks (my father banked with TSB), will also issue a check for funeral expenses before the probate wind up. Seems a bit presumptuous, but someone will have to pay some costs upfront so not too big a deal. Advice is to make it clear who is doing what in advance. For example, who are the executors of any will ? Are you clear on what arrangements they would like.

Sorry meant presumptuous on their part.

This is why I think people should prepay their own funeral in advance. It's much better value, doesn't leave you open to price hikes when you are vulnerable/grieving

They're not good value. You pay for a certain funeral which is inevitably limited and you'll decide you need an extra car or flowers or something and the price shoots up and isn't covered. I wouldn't bother, not worth the paper they are written on.

If it's funeral expenses she's getting at, given her history I'd be tempted to forward her ads for direct cremation

or leaving her body to medical science...

I've had to deal with my parents and in-laws estates. The bank will pay for urgent things like funeral directors and outstanding care home fees even after an account has been frozen, but they pay it direct rather than giving you access to the money. We did have to pay some expenses up front, like the probate fee (£200ish) and funeral buffet.

It could be difficult for someone who couldn't afford those up front costs to be executor, so maybe it was your MIL's way of saying that she's chosen your dh as executor because she knows the siblings might find it a financial burden? Of course he'll get the money back as soon as he gets probate (which I think takes a month or so), so I'm not sure it's worth getting into a debate about unless (a) you don't think you'll be able to cover those expenses, and/or (b) there are co-executors who might dispute paying the expenses out of the estate.

Any expenses for the funeral can be taken out of her bank account, your dh takes the will and death certificate to the bank along with his ID and they will sort it out. I’ve done this twice and never had to pay anything out myself.

Tell your MIL to grow the hell up and plan and pay for her own funeral

Take the Will, Death Certificate and ID to the bank. They will release/transfer any funds into any account. Doesn't have to be with the same bank. Some banks have limits on the amount they'll release without the Grant of Probate.

All banks will settle the funeral costs directly with the Funeral Directors. (Providing there are sufficient funds)

Well her behaviour hasn’t changed. We are out for lunch. DH paid. It’s his birthday.

happyview your update made me snort with laughter. I would look at using the birth of your twins as the time to define what you and your husband want to be your family traditions. It maybe your traditions include just spending a lot of time together including not seeing anyone for the first five days and certainly not being the family cash cow. Discuss this now with husband and present a united front.

Sometime between lunch and now she lost her mask. The expression when she realised she would have to pay for a new one and we weren’t going to. Bizarre.

So DS has a specific interest. We went somewhere that sells associated stuff. Mil decided to wander off (totally out of the place). God forbid the purse had to come again (or it feels like she should engage). When she came back she asked if we had seen the price of what we were buying. Yes we have. And we are getting it. Even tho it’s a little unnecessary.

Could it be that she's preparing you for potential inheritance tax? Sometimes the tax man can come knocking before any properties have been sold.

@Arthersleep I don’t think so in as much as there is something called a direct payment scheme which I assume would take care of it. At least I hope so. Again coming to a PP post I would be loathe to be owed by the estate as there could be presumption we would just suck up those comments. My BIL once made a comment to our DS that as he wanted their child to go the same private school he was it he was sure ‘your mummy And daddy would pay for it’. A comment yes. A mentality too.

This has been good tho. Things I would never thought of and won’t be caught out on now. Thank you.

Be very careful, surely paying an estate’s expenses would be intermeddling. Most funeral directors will accept being paid once the grant of probate has come through.

I've just dealt with probate. All dealings with the bank were online. I said I was executor, they asked for my ID and the death certificate. Then they transferred the money from the bank account to my account! Just like that! I was stunned. A considerable amount.