Shaking a rattle in her face

[foxyroxyy]

Our dc is 6 months old. We've been home over lockdown the whole time since she's been born. Why does my husband still not understand her sleep cues or try anything new when he sees playing with her isn't working???

Why do I have to tell him what to do every fucking day. Thinking of leaving. He's bloody useless to her and to me. Have nc as I stupidly showed him a picture post I put here once about something else.

We've been together 13 years and this is our first child. He's depressed and mopping around doing fuck all and I'm sick of seeing his face. He doesn't get up with her in the night (sleeps on the couch) but says he can't sleep any way so sleeps in the next day while I'm up crack of dawn with our child. But poor him he's tired and needs rest. Fuckwit. I'm sick of him but we tried a very long time for this child and I hate to just give up and break up our family.
Am I being unreasonable to tell him I want a trial separation!??

I think you need to go to couples counselling.

How was he before baby was born? And before pregnancy?

I knew he was depressed as soon as I read the first couple of lines of your post. It's ok for him to be depressed but he needs to be doing things to try and get better, and also needs to see how it impacts you. Equally you need to understand what is going on in his head at the moment and learn to communicate really well about it.

Couples counselling can and does make such a difference in these situations.

Do you have any other support with baby?

If he is depressed it is often hard to bond with baby - just like mums with PND. And play does not come naturally. There are lots of resources online for PND mums to engage and play with their babies, that apply to dads in the exact same way.

You sound very angry and I would not make any big decisions at the moment.

@Propercrimboselecta

I think you need to go to couples counselling.

How was he before baby was born? And before pregnancy?

I knew he was depressed as soon as I read the first couple of lines of your post. It's ok for him to be depressed but he needs to be doing things to try and get better, and also needs to see how it impacts you. Equally you need to understand what is going on in his head at the moment and learn to communicate really well about it.

Couples counselling can and does make such a difference in these situations.

Do you have any other support with baby?

He was depressed before too but he was great in pregnancy. Perfect actually. We had a late miscarriage a few years ago and so he took incredible care of me and I can't fault him. He was fine when she was first born but now it's like overwhelm has taken over again and he's given up.

I begged him to go to counselling before I gave birth because I was worried he might go downhill - he said he didn't need it. Couples counselling is a good idea although I'm not sure we can afford it at the moment.

We have absolute no support whatsoever. I have a large and useless family who didn't even come to help out a tiny bit with showing us stuff when she was first born. My mum only just barely made it to the hospital. His family live abroad

Does he know how to play with a baby?
Could you arrange for him to spend some solo time with baby while you get a nap - arm him with toys & books or send them out for a walk together? People can be surprisingly resourceful when necessitated.

And it sounds a bit like I felt when in dire need of sleep. Sleep first, then evaluate relationship.

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I would be open with family first off and ask for some help, or any friends. You need somebody if you aren't getting it from your husband.

To share my experience with you, my husband was amazing in pregnancy. Nervous about the future, but no more than many other people. We had been trying for a baby for a couple of years. Then baby was born and he become very overwhelmed. After about 2 months he wasn't acting like himself and I twigged he was depressed. He struggled to bond at first (he expected immediate love once she was born and was worried when that wasn't there as soon the second she came out of the womb). I insisted on couples counselling, if he cared about me at all. 3 sessions later and we were communicating well, understood each others emotions. We were laughing together again. He went to the gp and got some help with his depression (not ADs).
A year on and he is back to himself. He is a loving, doting father who loves our toddler more than anything and they have such a lovely bond.

I know how you are feeling because I have been there. To me, the money we spent on counselling was worth every penny and could have been the difference between things getting better or getting worse.

Try not to make any big decisions whilst you are so cross but do share with him how you are feeling and get yourself some support x

You can get activity packs too which show you how to play with babies of different ages (some people don't know what to do). Lots of suggestions. Apps on your phone do the same thing.

@Greyponcho

Does he know how to play with a baby? Could you arrange for him to spend some solo time with baby while you get a nap - arm him with toys & books or send them out for a walk together? People can be surprisingly resourceful when necessitated.

And it sounds a bit like I felt when in dire need of sleep. Sleep first, then evaluate relationship.

He plays with her brilliantly- when he can be bothered. The problem is not recognising when play time is over and she's tired and wants a nap. He just assumes all she wants is play or breast milk. Doesn't think of the other bits.

And yes I'm exhausted. He makes comments like oh you're used to it now aren't you? Because I don't get all down in the dumps and I'm very happy with baby so I crack on. Doesn't get it that I am literally dead on my feet.

@Propercrimboselecta

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I would be open with family first off and ask for some help, or any friends. You need somebody if you aren't getting it from your husband.

To share my experience with you, my husband was amazing in pregnancy. Nervous about the future, but no more than many other people. We had been trying for a baby for a couple of years. Then baby was born and he become very overwhelmed. After about 2 months he wasn't acting like himself and I twigged he was depressed. He struggled to bond at first (he expected immediate love once she was born and was worried when that wasn't there as soon the second she came out of the womb). I insisted on couples counselling, if he cared about me at all. 3 sessions later and we were communicating well, understood each others emotions. We were laughing together again. He went to the gp and got some help with his depression (not ADs).
A year on and he is back to himself. He is a loving, doting father who loves our toddler more than anything and they have such a lovely bond.

I know how you are feeling because I have been there. To me, the money we spent on counselling was worth every penny and could have been the difference between things getting better or getting worse.

Try not to make any big decisions whilst you are so cross but do share with him how you are feeling and get yourself some support x

This is really helpful thank you. I'm trying to calm down before doing anything. I don't want to break my family up.

My family are useless and no help. I don't have any friends where we live now and the one that would help is being funny with me as she doesn't seem to think I should have an opinion or desire for my husband to help out. Which is odd to me but we're from very different cultures.

@Propercrimboselecta

You can get activity packs too which show you how to play with babies of different ages (some people don't know what to do). Lots of suggestions. Apps on your phone do the same thing.

I will look into this now thank you

My family are useless and no help. I don't have any friends where we live now and the one that would help is being funny with me as she doesn't seem to think I should have an opinion or desire for my husband to help out.

That's such a shame. It is a really hard time to make any new friends too, with covid. If you have any safe baby groups you can go to to meet other mums, that might help. I met some really lovely people - but that wasn't during a pandemic!

Big hugs op, you will get through this

@Propercrimboselecta

My family are useless and no help. I don't have any friends where we live now and the one that would help is being funny with me as she doesn't seem to think I should have an opinion or desire for my husband to help out.

That's such a shame. It is a really hard time to make any new friends too, with covid. If you have any safe baby groups you can go to to meet other mums, that might help. I met some really lovely people - but that wasn't during a pandemic!

Big hugs op, you will get through this

I long for baby groups. I didn't think they were back on yet. I'll try and find one. Think it would make a world of difference.

Thank you for your kindness

My DH did this. He truly was depressed. But it turned out he also just found having a family overwhelming and now - two more children later - he and I have finally come to this revelation and he's moved out. Tell him to get to the gp and sort himself out - depression is not a choice, but doing nothing about it is. And use really really good birth control, wish I had!

Are you breastfeeding? I remember feeling like this when I was around the 6 month mark. Couldnt get my boy to take a bottle and felt totally tied and my husband wasnt a great help. It did pass for me and I fed for 18m.
My husband absolutely adores our sons and is much more fun than me but he really wasnt involved in my first son's day to day care and it did annoy me. I fed him constantly, prepared all weaning food, rocked him to sleep for every nap (which took a good hour), bathed him, put him to bed and fed him through the night. The big change was when I went back to work at 9 months post partum and he had to move from fun dad to actually doing stuff. He became so much closer to our son and a much better help. He has been amazing the second time, he set a routine and just does what needs to be done. I never have to ask.

@OverTheRubicon

My DH did this. He truly was depressed. But it turned out he also just found having a family overwhelming and now - two more children later - he and I have finally come to this revelation and he's moved out. Tell him to get to the gp and sort himself out - depression is not a choice, but doing nothing about it is. And use really really good birth control, wish I had!

This is my fear. That this is general overwhelm that won't go away.

I gave him the baby for an hour before bed while I ate in peace (for once) and I've told asked him to take her for a few hours from wake up tomorrow as I'm exhausted. He asked why but did agree immediately. I'll talk to him soon about gp. Feeling calmer already knowing it's not just me who's gone/going through it!

@Jent13c

Are you breastfeeding? I remember feeling like this when I was around the 6 month mark. Couldnt get my boy to take a bottle and felt totally tied and my husband wasnt a great help. It did pass for me and I fed for 18m. My husband absolutely adores our sons and is much more fun than me but he really wasnt involved in my first son's day to day care and it did annoy me. I fed him constantly, prepared all weaning food, rocked him to sleep for every nap (which took a good hour), bathed him, put him to bed and fed him through the night. The big change was when I went back to work at 9 months post partum and he had to move from fun dad to actually doing stuff. He became so much closer to our son and a much better help. He has been amazing the second time, he set a routine and just does what needs to be done. I never have to ask.

Hope on the other side!! I would hate not to be able to try for a second because of all this. So thank you for sharing. I hope we come through it.

Yes I'm exclusively breastfeeding on demand. Have just started on solids and seems I'm in charge of that too. Will rectify that too.

Last night I asked him to take her for a few hours this morning. I thought I'd have to go in and wake him up but he's woken himself up and come and get her.

Maybe a lot of this is my fault I just need to ask?!

Thanks everyone who helped yesterday. I was overtired and upset. Feeling much calmer this morning. Also helps that little one slept through much of the night

@foxyroxyy

Last night I asked him to take her for a few hours this morning. I thought I'd have to go in and wake him up but he's woken himself up and come and get her.

Maybe a lot of this is my fault I just need to ask?!

Thanks everyone who helped yesterday. I was overtired and upset. Feeling much calmer this morning. Also helps that little one slept through much of the night

It's not your fault. Who asks you to parent your child?

Yes, men get depressed the same as women after the birth of a child. The difference is, very very few women just opt out of looking after the baby. Regardless of how awful they feel, they just get on with it, while men mope around.

A baby needs looking after no matter what. Depressed or not, it isn't optional. It's up to your DH to sort himself out and actually be a parent.

It always boggles me when women say 'oh my DH just wasn't very good with babies.' What if both parents decided they weren't good with babies? What happens then? Does the baby just die? Lots of people find babies boring or difficult it's just that women generally don't even consider not bothering to be a parent.

Glad you're feeling a bit calmer, OP. My DP also suffered from depression after our daughter was born, which came to a head around the 4-6 month mark. I suspect it's not uncommon for it to hit at that point for them - the newborn months are crazy for everybody but after that you either step up into a new normal, or you feel lost and overwhelmed by it. For me that was the point it really clicked that we had this child for life, it wasn't just a brief phase of our lives that we would muddle through by whatever means necessary. And tbh my role was clear and I had a lot of societal validation, but dads' roles aren't quite so much?

We also got through it and DP is a wonderful dad to our 18mo. It helped when he started taking initiative to find things he could do with her, weaning was one (we did BLW and he loved introducing new food to her, plus he'd hold her while he cooked and have her watch and taste it all, while he talked to her about it.) As much as you feel tied to LO through breastfeeding, you are approaching a point at which she will need you less, and he can take her for longer. A quick google of 'activities for 6 month olds' or whatever will throw up lots of ideas for play, I would encourage him to start doing his own research and finding activities to do with her. I always resented that I had spent the entire pregnancy learning about babies, whereas my DP still knew shit-all about them when he became a father and has really only recently started taking the initiative to think about her development and needs, rather than firefight as issues come up.

Do get counselling. If you are going to raise your child together you really need to re/establish a healthy communication. But what you're experiencing is pretty normal, and you CAN get through it especially since it sounds like he is now trying. Good luck. I know it's tough.

Thanks for all your advice.

Seems I won't get to use it after all. I tried gently and openly explaining how I felt and apparently it's all my fault and he's done nothing wrong. We are going to have couple of weeks separation from the end of this week and then work our how to separate longer term.

It's sad - for me anyway as I didn't want it to come to this, but probably for the best. I don't want my child growing up in an unhappy home when it needn't be this way.

That is sad op but maybe better to find out what he is really like now rather than go through years of this.

You and your lovely baby will be fine.

@Arrivederla

That is sad op but maybe better to find out what he is really like now rather than go through years of this.

You and your lovely baby will be fine.

Thank you 😊 I don't think it's quite hit me yet.