Should you discuss DP problems with family?

[Ionlyhave2hands]

It depends on the severity, I think. Obviously if your partner is abusive physically or otherwise then the best thing to do is speak to someone outside of the relationship that you trust to discuss that.

But I'm talking about your average bickering and fall outs.

The reason I ask is that I'm quite annoyed at my partner of 1 year. We have the odd spat every now and again. I found out this weekend that he'd told his sister about a fairly big disagreement we had a fortnight ago (subject of which is not v interesting and bears no reference to this). I think he may have told her more than just that but backtracked when he saw that I was put out about mentioning things to his DSis.

I do really like this guy and hope that we have a future together. I've only met his sister 2 times. (Don't live v near them and I have DC to look after mosr of the time). I've not had much of a chance to build a rapport with her. I know she likes me. But she adores her brother. If he talks about problems between us, I feel a bit undermined and unable to counter any negative feelings about me that she may start building about me. I'm not there to put my side across.

I've a feeling he's done the same with his mum (who I've never met) but he won't admit it. I overheard her on the phone to him while he was at mine. When he said he was at my house that weekend, she said, 'Oh good, you're ok again now then, are you?'

We're both in our 40s, each have our own DC, don't live together.

I don't want his family members judging me. I don't want them talking about me negatively behind my back. We're only just starting out and I want to make a good impression on his family. This doesn't help and feels, frankly, quite disloyal and counter productive.

I'm close to my own sister. I wouldn't dream of telling her about disagreements. I never involved her in anything like that during my 10 year marriage (ended a few years ago). (I told her all about the problems I'd had after I ended the marriage - a whole other thread.)

I just think that mud sticks in situations like this. Blood's thicker than water too. Discussing the minutiae of a relationship with family can do more harm than good. Dodgier than discussing with friends who wouldn't be so territorial about you. I wouldn't expect my own sister to take my DP's side about disagreements, so why would his sister take mine?

What do you think?

And - an after thought. He's very dogmatic in any argument/discussion. He's not one for backing down. I don't think he'd be seeking a second opinion/sanity check from his Dsis or DM about the position he took in any disagreement with me. I think it would just be phrased as a general update to them about his life.

Family don't need to know that you argued about the bins going out (for example) or squabbled over who does the washing up because everyone has these sort of minor disagreements and it's nothing to do with anyone else.

The fact that he seems to want to be a blabbermouth to his family could be difficult if your relationship progresses. Why does he feel the need to tell everyone such minor things?

Would he be quite happy with you airing your relationship's dirty laundry to your family members?

I'd share the general ups and downs of my life with my sister, she's my best friend and she'd share the same with me, keep it to herself and know its just normal ups and downs. I wouldn't share with my mother because (1) she'd make it my fault (2) she would make a big catastrophe out of the smallest issue (3) she can't hold water and my entire extended family would know in about 10 minutes.

I talk to my mum about stuff. If I argued with my husband then I'd tell her about it. I think you're being unreasonable. What are you arguing about? Should all be easy after one year.

I sometimes gripe about my DH to give my sister or friends "permission" to start about their own If I'm complaining on my own behalf, I know which friend will call him a prick and which one will talk me into being reasonable etc.

In all seriousness, I think it's better that people communicate about relationships in whatever detail they want. It's a way of continually assessing your own thoughts and boundaries and comparing in a way that's real - not bottling up issues for years and ending up on AIBU asking a question you ought to be able to ask your partner.

If it turns out that your partner isn't a good long term fit because of his communication style or relationship with his family, then that's just a matter of incompatibility, not something you have to "fix" for him (I never recommend fixing another human being, you're either compatible and willing to grow and change together or not).

No, I don't because I don't think it's fair. Also, I wouldn't want him to complain about me to his parents, so I do him the same courtesy. It's also none of their business!

DH and I are grown ups and more than capable of solving our own problems. If we weren't, involving our parents wouldn't really be the right solution!

Why are you bickering and arguing so much after a year, though? And to the extent that he goes and speaks to his sister? It doesn't sound like a very happy relationship.

No, I don't mention any disagreements. I learned not to after I told mum about an issue with my ex when I was 16 and she never forgave him for the entire 3 years we were together, long after I'd forgiven and forgotten myself! I think it does all get stored in a long term memory bank so is not really fair to do.

"He's very dogmatic in any argument/discussion. He's not one for backing down" - this is what concerns me more than discussing arguments with his family. If he can't back down when he's wrong/see others point of view, then everything will always be on his terms and you will grow resentful

My brother used to come to me every time he fell out with his GF, he would then go back to her and tell her everything I’d said about their disagreement. This went on for nearly 20 years, me being the go between (I was very close to GF too) it ended in a massive argument, and I now haven’t spoken to either of them for 2.5 years.

There are some things that family should be told, such as serious relationship problems/violence, but running back to his sister with every little crossed word will cause resentment on everyone’s part.

Yes, I agree. There are a few too many disagreements for my liking and I am becoming concerned about it myself. It shouldnt be this difficult.

Generally speaking, I think he's a brilliant man and I really enjoy his company however, his style of disagreement with me grates on me. It feels like he attacks my personality a bit and it's a bit too personal.

I ended my seemingly lovely 10 year marriage 2 years ago after I found out that my DH had been cheating on me including with prostitutes for the prior 8 years. I'm still a bit raw about that and value loyalty from a partner more than anything these days, always have done though.

I'm thinking 40-year-old mummy's boy? No thanks!
If he's sharing every minor agreement, he'll likely share about your finances and anything else you'd prefer to keep private.

I share most things with my sister (not silly arguments that are forgotten about but things that upset me or things where I’m not sure if I am being reasonable). It may be that he has an open relationship with his sis and that she helps him temper his dogmatic tendencies. In your situation I would rather him talking to his sister (female perspective but not a threat to relationship) than him talking to friends (complete stereotype on my part but more likely to undermine your perspective in my view)

I don’t think it’s fair either. I never tell my family about the internal workings of my relationships. Even when I split up with my ex, I only told them after everything was planned and decided.

I find DH’s attitude to this frustrating though. Since DS3’s birth (He’s 3 weeks old) it’s not just been discussing things with MIL that I do not in any way welcome her opinion on, but actually arguing with me in front of her and letting her get involved. I’m struggling to get him to understand how unacceptable that is and that it is not that things need to be said at the time; no, if there’s an audience any discussion should wait til you have the privacy to have it. He’s an adult with impulse control; he doesn’t need to act in the moment and can give some thought to not embarrassing me in front of his mother (who doesn’t like me anyway - not that she likes anyone much).

MIL has no sense of appropriate boundaries though. The first time I met her she started a huge, nasty fight with DH completely unnecessarily. DS2 was there too and we both had to witness it. She waited until he’d put his children in his car though, so it was clearly calculated.

Yanbu. This would piss me off it is private business.
I bet he paints himself in a good light too.

He claims he 'only' told her that he cut short our last weekend together (a fortnight ago) and came home on Saturday rather than Monday because we'd had an argument on that Sat night and he needed to go home to 'cool down'. I'd asked him to stay and we could go to bed and talk the next day and sort things out but he refused. I felt he desired a bit of drama, actually. By him leaving so abruptly, I thought he felt it built credence to his position. I found it really off putting and unhelpful.

He says he didn't give details of what we fell out about. No idea if that's to be believed.

The fall out was about me raising questions about our future and if he ever saw himself living together in a number of years if things go well and our DC are ok with things. His answer was kind of 'No'. He'd not want to do that. He'd spend time with me overnight at my house but would always want to have his own house to go back to. He likes where he lives which is about 40 mins from me and wouldn't want to move.

It's all v hypothetical of course (getting more hypothetical with every disagreement we have...) but I queried this a bit further and he started to lose his shit a bit more.

@Ionlyhave2hands

Yes, I agree. There are a few too many disagreements for my liking and I am becoming concerned about it myself. It shouldnt be this difficult.

Generally speaking, I think he's a brilliant man and I really enjoy his company however, his style of disagreement with me grates on me. It feels like he attacks my personality a bit and it's a bit too personal.

I ended my seemingly lovely 10 year marriage 2 years ago after I found out that my DH had been cheating on me including with prostitutes for the prior 8 years. I'm still a bit raw about that and value loyalty from a partner more than anything these days, always have done though.

You’re only a year in to the relationship - so it may be that his true colours are starting to peek through as he’s no longer always on his best behaviour.

An argument style that involves deliberate personal attacks is not ok.

And he does tell me about problems his Dsis has with her husband. I know all about problems they've had. He has a few strong opinions of the husband. He likes him but certainly has many doubts. I don't want to know! It's none of my business!

It all feels quite incestuous (not in the sexual way obvs) but too much in other's pockets.

I couldn't tell him bad stuff about my BIL because my sis wouldn't say bad things about him. She'll have a whinge about her in laws etc but wouldn't paint her DH in a bad light because she knows I'll start secretly hating him!!

@Emeraldshamrock

Yanbu. This would piss me off it is private business. I bet he paints himself in a good light too.

Yes.

He's also usually the hero in the stuff he's told me about in his Dsis's relationship problems. He never shies of telling me all the good he's done for the pair of them.

Something else. I left his house this morning fairly early to return home. All this had kicked off a bit last night at bedtime after I'd festered on it for most of the evening. We tiptoed around each other this morning a bit, showering etc. We tried to discuss things again gently this morning. Then he brought up about 'how much (he'd) done for (me) this weekend - all the effort he'd put in.'

He'd bought me a gift. It was lovely of him. Cost about £200 all in and I was really taken aback and thanked him profusely.

But then he used that as a tool in the argument - like I should be grateful. Of course I am but gifts are meant to be exactly that. Gifts; not burdens. It's the opposite if I'm meant to smile and nod instead of saying what I think. I told him that. I really don't want gifts if im expected to behave a certain way in gratitude.

Whilst I'd not spent huge money on him this weekend, I made loads of food for him (I cook) and made separate stuff for him to stock his freezer up. I show affection through cooking than spending which I can't afford to do. We had a lovely weekend before this kicked off. I made him feel as loved and as wanted as I possibly could.

Dh and i so boring there is not much to tell people we know but i guess there is difference in telling a friend/relative to 'gossip' or having a 'this happened and you need to say i was in the right' or having a whinge and telling them because it helps you work out a problem and you need their advice

In answer to your original question I do think siblings can confide or offload problems with one another. Nothing too personal though. I'd be more concerned about the fact you're both having such drama only a year into the relationship. That doesn't sit right with me and it sounds like you want different things for the future anyway?

I don't think you have a future with this man, he's flat out told you he never wants to live together and runs to his sister to make you out to be the villain in every argument (I'm basing this on his accounts of him being her knight in shining armour). He bigs himself up and paints a perfect picture of himself.
He honestly doesn't sound like much of a catch.

I think that I might be ending the relationship if I was you. He's old enough to be set in his ways and they aren't going to change.

Does this man spark joy in your life, to use the expression? It sounds like a no to that. I'm a grumpy post-menopause woman now, but a partner should be there to enhance your life and there's enough niggles with this one that I would let him go.

You're all echoing thoughts I've had myself. There is a lot of work to do to repair my life after my marriage failed.

I am concerned that my tolerances are lowered now because I want the safety of a relationship to heal me and someone who I maybe would have said no to after our first disagreement many moons ago I will give more and more chances to just in case it will work out.

It's all pretty depressing.

I'm so sorry for what happened with your ex-husband

But please don't make the mistake of staying in this relationship just because it's familiar. You've barely been together a year and you're fighting to the extent that he involves his family. He's also personally attacking you in arguments.

You deserve so, so much better than hat. Please don't settle.