To bloody hate the newborn stage

[GreenTreeCleanTree]

I had my dd almost 6 weeks ago, I also have a 21 month old ds and I'm really, really struggling. Ds had colic and I honestly thought that whatever this baby was like, I'd be fine because she couldn't be as bad as ds was.. Well I was wrong.

She's not worse but shes still incredibly difficult. She won't sleep in her own bed, wants to be held and rocked all day and all night. Is always uncomfortable or wingy when awake because of wind that I've tried all I can to get rid of. I feel like I'm drowning in housework and things that need doing including looking after my ds, I often have to put dd down for 5 it 10 minutes so I can make food for ds and she screams the house down the whole time.

I've no help, and nobody who I can ask to help because we moved away from all our friends a couple if years ago and I still dont know anyone we'll enough around here. DH works full time, hes great when he's here and he let's me catch up on sleep and gelps with cooking and cleaning as often as he can but he's also drained as his job is difficult and long hours.

My mum rings every once in a while but just talks about how sorry she feels for ds that he's now 'second best' and tells me I need to spend time with him on his own etc which honestly just pisses me off as my ds is not second best and gets as much alone time as I can physically manage. Plus not once has she offered to help and hasn't been over in nearly a month, which is fine. But she hasn't got a clue what she's talking about has she's not here and the 'advice' is not coming from a good place. Plus what about me? She feels so sorry for my well looked after toddler who is adored and gets everything he could ever need and more, but can't even bother to ask how I'm managing?

I'm ranting now but I'm just so overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like walking out and not coming back sometimes, I'm not going to but the thought is always there.

Is it normal to hate this stage so much? I wish I could fast forward 6 months which is horrible because I should be enjoying my kids being this small. I really don't think I can take it much longer, I'm exhausted, I just want a night sleep without having to hold my newborn, or to be able to sit and drink a coffee with her in the swing not screaming. I don't even know what the point of this post is I just needed to vent ☹️

I also had a new born, a toddler, a dh who got no paternity leave and no help either...it was incredibly hard. You have my sympathy.

Can you afford any nursery time for your eldest? That saved my sanity

Oh and I think your mother is a disgrace to not support you...if I was you, I'd put that in my memory bank for when she is older and needs help.

I found the move from one child to two the most unsettling. It was a huge shock to me because DS1 was a typical "easy baby" and when DD1 came she was just...wow. Couldn't put that chukd down anywhere, couldn't drive far because she was hysterical in the car, didn't sleep on her own. Just awful. The wrap saved me, even though that will probably be a really annoying suggested because everyone says it. She lived in a Moby wrap until she was about 4 months and then we used an Ergobaby. Please try it if you can get hold of one. You can feed them, pop them in a wrap and run the hoover around, brush your teeth, make some food, take the toddler to the park... just get some semblance of a life back! They tend to sleep better when carried too so they don't get as overtired and furious at life.
I know it feels well and truly shit right now. I remember actively disliking my daughter because she'd come along with her "neediness" and ruined my happy little gang I had with my son. It does get better. It just does. And you won't notice it slowly improving until suddenly one day you realise its not so hard anymore. We now have 4 kids and dc2 and 3 were put in wraps from day one and normal life carried on around them. I wish I had known what I know now when I had 1 and 2!

*dc 3 and 4

So much sympathy for you. I found the newborn stage horrible with both my sons but it’s been easier with my daughter.
Like another poster suggested can you get yourself a sling? I found it made life so much easy with my daughter. She’s be all snuggled in happy and I could play with my DS2 (16 months when she was born) also meant I could get on with house stuff.

Your poor thing 😔 I'm definitely not a fan of the newborn stage either. It's relentless.

What options have you got for when you put DD down? We had the Joie Sansa rocker for our baby and he seemed to like that. It kept him reasonably upright which helped with his reflux and the movement/vibration helped settled him.

We also tried the Babocush but I found it a bit fiddly.

Also have you tried a sling/wrap yet? There's lots of different designs so hopefully one of those could be helpful.

Other than that I just want to offer some solidarity. Hopefully she'll settle a bit more in the coming weeks, this stage doesn't last forever 🤞

my first baby was like your DD OP. Turned out (after a year of people telling me and me not listening!) it was a cow's milk protein allergy. As soon as I cut it out of her diet and mine she was a different child. Too late for me to benefit by then of course! But potentially worth a try if you are breastfeeding. Bit tricker if FF as the cow's milk free formulas are expensive and its a battle to get them on scrip. And in any case it may be different with your girl. Is she very sicky as well as uncomfortable? does she seem to be starving all the time but refuse feeds when offered? Any skin trouble? Watery explosive nappies? These and bloating were the signs I missed. Poor little thing, I thought she was trying to drive me mad sometimes with the screaming and the lack of sleep - only later did it all make sense when I realised she was in a lot of pain all that time :(

For you, I would suggest sling, bedsharing if possible/if you're happy with that, and stop calling your bloody useless mother - she sounds like no help at all!!

It's so so tough. Try to remember it does get better. And definitely look at popping your son into nursery/getting a mother's help to look after him a couple of days a week if you can afford it. You won't be letting him down, you'll be giving him a good socialising experience and allowing yourself to recharge so you can be your best self when you're together.

YANBU!

I found a friend's comment strangely reassuring. She said "when mine was a baby I could have happily chucked him out the window."

YANBU. They're so needy!

Also soft and cuddly and cute, but needy!

No judgement here.

I've got 4 DCs. (At one point i had 3 under 5s). I love my kids to bits, but being brutally honest i never enjoy their first 6 months. It's OK. You can say it. The sky doesn't fall in :)

The thing with raising children is: No matter what's going on; it will all change. Nothing stays the same for long with DCs.

Huge sympathies from me OP. My first baby was horrendous - constant crying, reflux, in general very ‘high needs’. I contented myself that the second baby couldn’t possibly be as bad and that I would be well able to deal with a tricky baby having already been through it. Second baby arrived and was a nightmare from the word go - constant hysterical crying, hated car, hated pram, everywhere we went and whatever we did ended up being stressful because of the constant screaming. And the constant ‘helpful’ comments from strangers along the lines of ‘ooh someone isn’t very happy’ and ‘ooh someone wants a feed’. It really ground me down, and like you I was living in a new area and had no family support nearby.

Months later he was diagnosed with CMPA and was a different child once I cut all dairy out of my diet. He never had symptoms of explosive nappies (in fact he had constipation) but the constant screaming was something I recognised as not normal.

Do look into medical causes and don’t be fobbed off with ‘colic’. I took videos and a diary to the GP and Paediatrician and they were able to see that the crying was on another level.

Hugs, it is so hard. And your mum’s comments are unhelpful in the extreme!

I've only got one child...the first four months was more than enough to put me off having another although I love her to bits.

You can only do your best. So long as you're all clear and fed and the kitchen isn't going to give anyone food poisoning, you're winning at the moment.

Ignore your mum.

You poor thing! I have no advice but I can tell you that if i were your neighbour I'd happily hold the baby/walk her round the neighbourhood etc to give you a break - are you in a friendly street?

GET A SLING!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the CAPS. Just wanted to grab your attention 😂

Your baby is in the Fourth Trimester (Google it). She still thinks she's part of you. She will need lots of cuddles and lots of close contact.

I have a 3 year old (extremely active and he had colic too so you have my utmost sympathy) and a 9 week old. The sling has been the saviour of my sanity. I can do housework whilst she sleeps in the sling. I can make DS's lunch. I can tidy, hoover, dust etc. It's literally the best thing I bought in preparation for a newborn. All the closeness for baby, and the majority of your sanity for you.

I have a BOBA sling. They're about £35. Watch a few videos on how to get it on (I can point you in the fight direction if you like). Put it on in the morning, stick baby in and get on with your day. Perfect.

I feel your pain OP. My second was the same and I found it very difficult to cope. It put me off never having another one, but here I am 6 years later, pregnant. I am absolutely steady the first year because that's how long it was for him to settle down a bit and start being a happier baby.
I don't have any advice, but I completely understand and agree with you. It's horrendous.

@Puddlelane123 CMPA baby too - I often recommend checking this out to mums with screamers, just because it was so transformative for us and I WISH I'd listened to the odd voice of reason who suggested it to me and just cut out dairy straight away (GP said it was 'extremely unlikely', ran no tests, and told me some babies just cry and I'd learn to deal with it, when I returned a month or so later with same problems tried to put me on ADs ).

It ISN'T normal. We know it's not normal when our baby is screaming its heart out all day, every day, in every baby group, every time you go to meet mum friends for a coffee and all their little happy dumpling babies are feeding or sleeping or just sitting doe-eyed in their prams while we're wrestling a planking, screaming, red-faced ball of misery and wanting to cry with the stress and embarrassment ofeveryone saying 'have you tried...?' and acting like condescending experts even though they are first time mums of babies younger than yours. I wish this condition were better understood and given some credence by GPs and HVs.

As pp said try a sling. I'm definitely getting one this time!

You are certainly not unreasonable to hate the newborn stage, it is relentless exhausting and thankless.

Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? If it’s bottle, I have some suggestions which helped my colicky baby - comfort milk and dr browns and I have a different baby.

Are you co-sleeping or having to sit up all night with her?

I really hope things improve for you soon

I feel for you. My baby isn't even particularly difficult and I don't think we will have another. I don't think I could get through the first three months again.

Agree with PPs....she is still very tiny and will want you there most of the time. Definitely use a sling!
We had DD1 then DD twins just over a year later...DH and my mantra was “the first 6 weeks are the worst”. It will get better

@VeniceQueen2004 - yes! That was exactly my experience and the memory makes me tearful even now. There is crying and then there is CRYING as it sounds like you experienced. This isn’t the usual fourth trimester ‘wanting a snuggle with mum’ cry - this is ‘oh my gosh has my baby got a broken leg or something that I don’t know about. Slings, white noise, constant trips to cranial osteopath, nothing worked and initially I was fobbed off and told the baby might be picking up on my stress. It was hideous and I wish that it was taken more seriously when a mum says that her baby is crying more than its peers and more than would be expected. It made me feel so inadequate and very lonely as I eventually stopped going out to any baby groups or anything social because there was just no point.

That was cathartic writing that!

My mum rings every once in a while but just talks about how sorry she feels for ds that he's now 'second best' and tells me I need to spend time with him on his own etc

Do you have any siblings? Because if you do, I would throw this right back in her face, “Oh Dm, I saw how you treated DB as second best, and I’ve always been determined not to do that to my own children.”

Bet she changes her tune then.

@formerbabe

Oh and I think your mother is a disgrace to not support you...if I was you, I'd put that in my memory bank for when she is older and needs help.

Tbh I feel the same as this

@GreenTreeCleanTree I haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say based on your first post that I completely get where you are coming from and had the same.

DS8 - I had terrible PND, awful and long long labour, was with an awful partner who didn't help, DS had all manner of tummy problems so was a very discontent baby and practically cried for the first year of his life. I found the newborn stage the hardest and remember crying many days and nights certain that I'd made a mistake, googled giving up for adoption and one night even got him in his pushchair and decided I'd just drop him on a doorstep (I didn't get out of the front door before feeling awful and changing my mind!).

Due to all the difficult circumstances with DS, I had my DD nearly 10 months ago and thought everything would be great - DH is a good egg, very helpful, a fantastic birth, a lovely and content baby (with silent reflux but easily treated with Gaviscon). It turns out the newborn stage was just as frustrating, I still cried many times, wondered if I had made a mistake, wanted to hire someone to take DD away and bring her back when she was sleep trained, all sorts of difficult thoughts and feelings, including guilt that I could feel so badly about such a great little baby (compared to DS) and when I have much more fortunate circumstances compared to before and also compared to many other women. I ended up getting a sling at 12 weeks for DD who wouldn't be put down and things did improve, although still tough at times. It was truly a case of grit your teeth to get through some days. The first smile is when it started to turn around a bit for me and when DD finally started napping without being held (around 6 months).

TLDR - I think I genuinely find this stage to be very difficult. From 5 months, I have thoroughly enjoyed DD and now I'm sad to be returning to work. But YANBU to hate the newborn stage, I do as well. It does get better (as trite as it sounds!) And despite it all, DH and I haven't ruled out a third possibly, but I'll be better prepared for the inevitable next time.

P.S. I also moved to a new area 2 years ago with the closest family 2+ hours away and no friends so I feel your pain there as well!

Just to add - I'm 100% certain I didn't have PND this time, I know myself and my mental health very well. I just found it very very difficult.