55:45 parenting share, yet won't buy clothes

[StartingAgainat31]

Can we talk kids clothing etc? Who buys it all? Do you each have set of clothes and she's at each house? Currently ex lives with parents. And Currently I am sending a bag of stuff over with her, shoes, clothes, sleeping bags etc. They do have some stuff there like wellies, but it has been made clear to me it stays there. Otherwise I buy everything and its shared. Often the washing is sent home for me to deal with.

Last week I didn't send her over with wellies from here. I know she has some there. Obviously it rained really hard last week and the ground was muddy. We share a Wednesday, so he drops off and I pick up. I have recently bought her a brand new pair of trainers which he sent her to nursery in, knowing the spend all their time outside. They were filthy when I picked her up. When I asked if he could send her to nursery with her wellies, he said he would as long as I sent her over to his with some.

Am I being unreasonable to be mighty pissed off that I'm expected to buy clothes for her and just send them over to his, potentially to get trashed, but anything that is with him stays there. He has no value for anything and I'm sure will have taken great delight that she had trashed a new pair of Clarks shoes.

It’s a horrible situation to be in. In the being sensible world, yes both parents should be buying the basics to have at both houses.

In the real world, lots don’t. And it’s Unfortunately the child who suffers not the other parent from not having the right stuff.

I would be trying to have words with him about it, he should be providing at least basics ie why should a sleeping bag need taking? Bedding he def should have for her.

I have 50/50, and let's be real, 55/45 isn't much different! We both have a full wardrobe because he has a home with both of us. Every few weeks we probably do a swap where some of the nicer stuff we've bought has ended up at the other house. We both generally buy shoes that move around.

I suppose there is an argument that you are the resident parent and receive maintenance (not sure if you do) and are therefore responsible for clothing here, but in my view no decent parent who has their child 45% of the time would think they didn't need to clothe them

YANBU at all but be warned, some people on MN hold ex-partner fathers to unbelievably low standards and you'll probably be told you should buy her two of everything and do all the washing because the father-child relationship is the Most Important Thing and should be maintained at all costs to your financial and mental health

The judge was pretty clear with my ex that he ought to be providing everything the children needed at his house (and that was on a 2/14 arrangement).

Anything nice I buy never returns, so I now buy clothes and shoes second hand for going to their dads house in. I hate having to do it though. (No issue with second hand clothing, just hate not being able to let them go in whatever they choose)

My child’s Father (loose term) who now claims benefits for our daughter too, refuses to feed her until 9pm, refuses to buy her sanitary goods, refuses to collect her when visiting her boyfriend. Makes her get a train late at night instead, refuses to buy her any clothes or shoes whatsoever. I’m actually not sure what his purpose is tbh other than put a roof over her head because she has to attend a different school to her siblings.
Oh and he has only just had her living with him for the last 6mths, refuses to pay any child maintenance for her whole life (15yrs) and that of her brothers who live at home with me, they refuse to see him.
There are some god dam awful so called Fathers!!

I have provided absolutely everything my DD needs her whole life and will continue to do so.
I tried tirelessly to get maintenance for my children, but he diddled his books so much or didn’t work, that HMRC and CMS couldn’t do a thing about it.
It annoys me no end these waste of space parents who think they don’t need to provide for THEIR child.

So in answer to your question, YANBU at all.
If said child stays at their house, just that parent get that child whatever they need. Because they are YOUR child in YOUR house.

OP, of course your ex should be providing things. And sure, some movement might be to be expected or things like coats would just be bought by one person and used across the board.

Sadly, that appears to be a view held only by women. I've lost track of the single women who have mentioned the issues around this. From the woman whose ex refused to buy nappies when he had the kids, to DS' friend's dad who has to have a fullest of clothes packed for the entire time he has the DC so that he doesn't have to do washing. So a week means she has to send a full week's worth of clothing, which, of course, gets back to her dirty.

I just read yet another sweet little romance story where all the ex'es got on brilliantly and were fair and lovely. But in real love, it just doesn't seem to happen that often as far as I can tell.