Coming down to such a tip.

[Melonslicexx]

I've been struggling alot in Lockdown. I was unwell with women's issues and vitamin deficiencies anyway. But lockdown has made me anxious. I'm really lathargic and I feel like I'm crashing in the afternoons. The last two Sundays I've spent the afternoon in bed. Pounding head this time. Nausea. Exhausted. I took something yesterday to help me with the nausea and it knocked me out. Partner took care of the kids and I appreciate that. But I think I need rest to recover. I care for them all week too. He let them stay up late and I suppose he struggled to get them to bed because he let the two year old sleep late. Not picking on him for this just explaining.

I woke up at 6.30. my plan was to have a cuppa. Have a shower. Practice the school run as next week it's Showtime. Only I came down to an absolute horror show. Pots hadn't been washed. The extension was a disgrace. Apple cores on the tables. Craft things allover the floor and table. Stones from the garden chucked allover the floor. Juice spilt on the carpet. Washing still in the washer. Rubbish hadn't been taken out. I found an unopened yoghurt in the garden when I pegged the washing out.what a waste!

I said to My partner that it was no wonder i never feel any better. I said to him I finally got some rest and felt positive and income down to this. I said now instead of having a shower and going for a big early walk ive got to tackle all this "shit" or do it afterwards instead of resting abit and not pushing myself. He ranted back that he was tired and told me to stop having ago. Then when I said the carpet is damaged now he told me to clean it. I said to him I feel like moving out I'm sick of this happening whenever I take a tiny bit of time out from it all. He got Mardy. Started washing up angry.

I already feel like a burden because I do struggle at the moment. But despite that I care for our kids everyday. I do the chores. I try my best. I cook tea. Lots of days I'm positive. But I have a few days each month where I'm struggling. I think I will be ok once school restarts. I just need the structure of my life back. He knows I'm waiting to be referred to gynecology. He knows I have anxiety on top of pain, weakness and exhaustion. He knows I'm up and down depending on my monthly. I appreciate how understanding he has been because I haven't been much fun since march. But I would feel alot better if I had time to breathe. Time to enjoy the kids. I shouldn't have to do a two hour tidy and clean from the day before, before I even start today. .
He mumbled something at me then refused to say it again.

I sometimes think I should leave as I am convinced my problems are ruining his life, but I currently don't work as youngest is a young toddler. I will be finding work again as soon as he's funded for nursery. I just feel my life is falling apart.

I think most of your problems are caused by your partner. He sounds lazy, irresponsible and completely useless. I am so sorry.
Do you have friends? Family?

Does your partner work? How old are the children?

I think you need to resolve your health issues and then see how things are, lockdown has been tough for many people so it is testing relationships.

It is annoying to wake up to a messy house but many couples have different standards on household duties.

Go for the shower and walk, you will feel better after this. The washing up can wait.

He works yes. Currently from home. The reason he gets tired is overtime. But he's currently not being paid for it yet he still will be working at night time. So we have less money.

Yes it's abit of a long process with me because they started looking at me just before lockdown. It frustrating for me always feeling weak and loosing my school runs and stuff has made me so much worse. Those early weeks when we were home constantly have made my body clock a mess and everything seems confused. I do understand he gets tired too. He could go to bed earlier though but he watches Tele to wind down. He will do bits around the house. But tbh he's always in work mode he never switches off.

Neither of us are perfect but sometimes I dispair. He was keeping the kids away from me which of course helped me rest. But leaving me to clear that up I may aswel have not bothered.

Thanks for your replies. He did cook tea yesterday and stuff but he could have washed up. He made chicken pasta so there was a pan, a tray and 4 plates and cutlery. A few cups too.

I'm going to go for a walk because that's more important isn't it. I could cry. I don't want him to think all I do is moan. But I can't do everything myself and function for everyone constantly.

Kids are 2 and 5. 2 year old is slower at talking and things than my daughter so he's still very babylike. He's getting there though now. He's just a handful.

Op this sounds tuff. I would be fuming to see all yesterdays washing up plied there. Your husband should have cleared away.

In saying that and I mean this is in the nicest possible way but things do sound a bit chaotic. The DC's sound as if they had the run of the house yesterday. A regular routine for the Dc's would help. Wake at the same time, bed at a set time, food and drink only to consumed at the table and rubbish/left over food in the bin straight away, encourage to put toys and craft bits away when finished, with grown up help where needed. When the kids have a structure, set time and place for eating and playing etc it will free up some time for you and yr DH and make your life easier. It looks like DH was trying to work , cook and look after the kids , it all got a bit out of his control as the eve went on, leaving him no time/inclination to do the washing up. He obviously allowed the kids to wander around with juice and fruit, spilling it and leaving cores around. They were not asked to tidy away the toys or not aware they were expected to, especially the older DC. If they were in bed / in rooms by 7pm the evening would have been more controllable.

Another possible is changing the way you cook and eat at weekends , while the kids are young, allowing you some downtime. Having a main meal earlier in the day, with sandwiches etc later . It would allow more time for the dinner things to be washed and put away. Moving the timings of your meals around to fit in better with where you are now.

It does sound a bit as if the children had the run of the house yesterday and your DH lost control of it. I honestly feel the key to this is to get the kids into a pattern that allows you and Dh to have a bit more control. At the age your children are now they should tidy toys, eat at a table and keep all food and drinks in the kitchen etc where surfaces and floors are wipeable. If the Dc's had been in bed or at least settled in their rooms for the rest of the night DH may have been able to clear up etc. It looks like by your DH's reaction earlier that he felt he did his best in difficult circumstances but really he didn't, he does not appear to see that it was chaos and he ,as the parent, should have put some order in place.

He is a capable adult, he chose to leave the house in that state. Almost certainly thinking you’d deal with it. Why do so many men think they serve a medal just for dealing with the kids at a minimal level and stuff the house? What if the two year old had found that yoghurt and eaten it, gone off? Now you have to decide if this is how you want your life to be.
You are entitled to have some time off from parenting whilst ill and with another “capable” parent there.

Are you taking any supplements OP?
It does sound as if iron and vitamin D would be a good start.
Have you had blood tests done by your GP?

Also get your B12 levels checked, it's amazing how much a B12 injection perks you up.

@Melonslicexx Op have you posted about this before?

There was a very similar thread a week or so ago ( diff user name) involving the OP coming down in the morning to find pots not done and toys everywhere having gone to bed early the day before with PMT type symptoms and tiredness.

If i can work out how to link it , on my phone, on this thread i will. Some good advice on that post also that you may find helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3995189-To-just-want-a-day-to-myself

i hope i have done this right. I have attached the link ? Hope you can see it.

Hi no that's not me but very similar. Thank you! So frustrating. I hope it's just lockdown getting to everyone.

He was definitely unreasonable to leave the house in that state. It does sound like he hasn't even tried, rather than he did his best but didn't get finished. I also suspect he knew you would do it. I'd hate to start my day like that.

You have a DP problem.

Whether you continue to put up with his shit behaviour is upto you.

Your house still sounds cleaner than mine....sorry I know that's not very helpful...

@endofthelinefinally

I think most of your problems are caused by your partner. He sounds lazy, irresponsible and completely useless. I am so sorry. Do you have friends? Family?

I agree

Awful to come down to a mess like that.
Of course it would upset you.
He obviously did the absolute least he could do.

What a selfish man.
So sorry you are feeling so miserable.

@Melonslicexx Op, i can see from your other posts that your DH has suffered from depression and received appropriate medication. He clearly is not in a headspace to deal with work, cooking and kids all at the same time. You are asking the unachievable of him at this time.

Op, do you have anyone that you trust and can talk to ? I feel from your post history that things have not been easy for you during lockdown or even before. Lockdown has brought this all to a head. I suspect you have posted under diff user names, the advice has been the same, you have on occasion reacted aggressively to posters. I apologise if this is not the case but there are similarities in posts including issues with your mum? I am happy to stand corrected by MNHQ if this is not this case.

Could you possibly have an open and honest conversation with your GP? I sincerely feel you need help with the burden or responsibility that has been placed on you.

With respect , i think you need to see your GP, and be honest about where you are. I also personally feel that you and your husband may benefit from some parenting classes. It is NOT a slight on both of your parenting approach, but may help you both manage your children in a way that allows you both together time and some down time and free time. I think you are both in a muddle OP and the kids are ruling the roost and that is not how family dynamics should work.

I think both you and DH are experiencing issues. It is clear that you have supported DH through tough times. I do not think you are physically exhausted i think you are mentally exhausted and that mental exhaustion is manifesting itself in physical symptoms in you.

I think you both need assistance in getting your family life under control and more manageable. There is no shame in that, it will help you and your DH and your Dc's settle into a more manageable family life. I would strongly advise parent classes as a start for you both on the road to managing your household and your own mental health wellbeing.

wow. Who has time to search someone's posting history.

I don't need parenting classes. Perhaps routine again from school. But I don't feel I'm a bad parent.

They are seperate issues and I use the boards when I need to talk. which I probably won't do anymore now. That link is not mine. You don't need to get Mumsnet hq involved. I'll just stop using the username now. Please leave it.

Have you tried floradix? It's available on Amazon. It literally says: tired of being tired?

@Melonslicexx

Don't be offended @KatherineofTarragon searching your posting history.

If you don't want posts to be connected you need to name change each time.

I feel they were just trying to help by getting the bigger picture about what's going on.

Mumsnet is a supportive place generally don't let this mean you don't seek support and help.

I haven't looked at previous posts but from your OP it sounds like you need a proper chat with your DP about coming back together as a team to tackle these ongoing issues.

It was disrespectful and totally not on for him to leave the house in such a state and he needs to do better, because should be aa team and you are not the family skivvy and I would tell him so (I say this as the DW of a DH with long standing depression and anxiety issues)

This sounds normal for my house although I hate it. Lone parent and my 11yo is destructive. I simply don't have the energy to start tidying at 11pm once she's settled down.

I see both sides of this.

If someone had posted the reverse.

"DP went to bed all afternoon so I had to look after and feed the kids and get them to bed. And then got told off for the mess"

There would be just as much LTB

I think you need to have a chat and figure out your roles and how you can both help each other.

You are fed up OP. Home life when you aren’t well and the demands of children wear you down is hard enough but this new strange way of living is getting to so many of us. Does your mother live nearby? Mums can be so supportive as they remember what life was like when you were young. I remember saying to my MIL that I was finding it difficult and she said just make sure they are fed and have clean clothes and then added and the place isn’t actually dirty.

Op, pls do not stop posting on the site. That was not my intention at all. I had just noticed a few of the same type of posts over the last few weeks that were all similar. I just wanted to make sure that before i posted a reply to you ,i had a bit of an understanding. I did not want to post on here with LTB etc as i don't think that would have been the right advice in your situation. Sometimes the wrong advice can make a problem worse.

Parenting classes are misunderstood. I found & attended a course of 6 when my eldest was 2, many yrs ago. I found it really helpful for setting boundaries and giving me confidence. I had no experience of kids at that time. I was a single working mum so i had to get myself organised and the classes really helped with that. I was trying to say that it may help you and your DH get into a routine and help your DH see how routines and structure will make both your lives easier.

I noticed that the same posts were coming up ,albeit diff names , but whoever it was had shared similarities and was still struggling in the same dynamic and not seeming to move forward. I kind of made the connection to try to move the OP forward if i could.

These sites are good but only really benefit if the OP takes on board the right kind of advice when given. That is why i wanted to be sure that what i typed to you was as genuine , helpful and sincere as it could be. I hope you do continue to post and get the support you need both on here and in real life.

Yes I agree @KatherineofTarragon, don't see the suggestion of classes as a negative thing or a judgement.

I am currently paying for an online positive parenting course as I'm fed up of the power struggles and fighting. So I'm just trying to do things differently. It's ok to change tactic with parenting and sometimes you need support to do that.