I have really shitty parents

[Verity35]

Can’t sleep and Just want to know has anyone cut contact with their parents and if so how do I not let my kids suffer in the process? I know my parents are awful
and you will say “why let your kids be exposed to them” - short answer they’re lovely to my kids, relationship is good as my kids see them 3 times a year max and I am with them at all times. My kids get really spoilt in a good way. They have lovely food cooked for them and my eldest never wants to come home when visit comes to an end. My little ones don’t need to know the ins and outs of them and will never be exposed to their flaws like myself and siblings were.

I was desperate to leave home that’s why I married my very dysfunctional DH. I often wonder how different life would have been if I had half decent parents who cared about me. I sometimes see my kids with my parents and kind of feel something like why couldn’t they have been like this to me? It’s taken me long time to accept they are the way they are.

So how do I go about distancing myself but letting my kids enjoy their grandparents. My parents probably won’t be around when my kids are teenagers so I want them to know them.

You need some proper therapy so you can move on and also so you can make sure that your children are also protected from your dysfunctional SH. He seems more of an issue from this post than your parents.

@Verity35 Honestly? I think if they see your children max 3 times a year, with supervised visits, it might just be easier to cut contact with your parents all together. If it were every weekend, then I'd probably suggest having some kind of mediator or making up a schedule, but if it's 3 times or so a year then your children can't be dependent on them in a strong way. Lovely food cooked for them? I reckon you could probably manage that three times a year, if you wanted to.

I was in a very similar situation to you, OP (shitty homelife, left home young to get married- fortunately my marriage worked out very well, but if I'm honest I might have left either way). I cut off my parents when I was 16, a little while after I moved out, and have no intention to regain contact with them unless something Disney-movie level happens in terms of their emotional growth.

If you want the (hopefully comforting) truth, you don't have to be in contact with them and neither do your kids. Your parents are not owed contact to their grandchildren, especially if they see them very infrequently, and ultimately if you have shit parents you never know if they're going to change their mind about how they treat your children. You can always think; "they treat them so much better than they treated me, they're great grandparents" etc etc but if they were willing to be bad parents to you as a child, then they are not to be trusted.

Obviously this is just my very biased advice. I would also recommend therapy (as suggested by @PersonaNonGarter) but keep all this information in the back of your mind. Your kids will choose you over nice meals. Promise. xx

I could have written this my parents treat my kids so kindly but when we were kids they would abuse me and my sisters physically. But if I even tell my kids "no" sternly they tell me off for it?!? Never felt loved or wanted either.
I cut contact with my parents as I couldn't take their emotionally and manipulative abuse any more.
In your case your kids only see them 3 times a year so it's not a total loss to your kids cut contact.

It's only 3 times a year and the kids enjoy it, why change it? It might be your parents are trying to make up for what they did wrong historically by being better this time. I would keep things as they are so your kids can tell their friends they saw their grandparents, had a nice time etc rather than the sadder story of we don't see our grandparents anymore. Are they damaging you now that you're an adult? If not just let them make amends.

If it is only 3 times a year and it's a positive relationship for your children I wouldn't change anything.

So how do I go about distancing myself and letting my kids enjoy their grandparents.

I wouldn’t do this. My mother is also a much better grandmother than mother. It didn’t stop her basically accusing her of being abusive toward my brother when she was 7. It was over the phone to me telling me I had to reign her in, if she behaved like this, she would smack her bla bla bla. I was having therapy at the time and I had a period of NC over it - or perhaps it was another incident. I forget. I phoned her with my therapist to elicit an apology and establish boundaries. It worked superbly. The relationship now is very very different.

It sounds as if you could also benefit from therapy. My dd is 12. My god all of a sudden I’ve discovered what challenging and stupid teenage behaviour is. I see things very differently now and can appreciate my mother’s frustrations. She performed poorly and I’m intending on doing things very differently from her of course. I see the affects of similar parenting on her friends, one of whom has just thrown my dd under the bus with her parents to save her sister....

I forgot to say I’d remain in contact. They are getting something very important from the relationship. Being a parent over and over again is about putting your children’s needs first.

You can’t really distance yourself unless you drop the kids off and leave them there.
You just need to grin and bear it if you want your kids to have that relationship.

@Mummyoflittledragon Realistically, what is it they're getting though? Other than "lovely cooked food"

@bananabeachhouse
Idk exactly and op isn’t back to explain. Her eldest never wants to leave. That should say something. Children can never get too much unconditional love.

3 times a year is already distanced surely?

My DH's parents don't even see our kids that often, not through choice, they are just really old and not interested tbh.

My parents see my kids, birthdays, christmas, easter etc

My folks treated me like trash, my brother was golden boy, i was scapegoat child, my little sister was the baby and spoilt.

Now my brother is still golden boy and his kids are with my mum most days as him and his with use mum as childcare and she bends over backwards to accommodate them. My sister is very manipulative and will do awful things like threaten to put her son up for adoption if mum doesn't care for him because she "can't cope" she has a husband, but he cant care for him either apparently.
My husband was furious last xmas for my xmas present he booked surprised tickets to a concert (got cancelled anyway due to covid lol) and asked my mum to sit at our house with the kids from for the afternoon/evening (home by midnight) and she said no!!! We never ask for anything, on the rare occasion we do its a no. My husband couldn't understand why i didn't even react... i'm used to it, its always been the way... i was invisible until something bad happened and when it did it's all my fault.

I still wouldn't stop my kids engaging in the special family occasions through the year with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. its always a massive family gathering at those times and they always have fun. Sometimes its hard to get through especially if my sister is there, but mostly i ignore her and get on with it.

@PersonaNonGarter Therapy isn't a magic wand that turns a crappy childhood into a great one. Your post is really unpleasant