Hi all,
I’ve changed my username and will be a little vague in some parts of this as not to be identifiable by friend in case she comes across this. Will try to be as detailed as possible to avoid drip feeding so bear with me!
I have a friend I’ve know since school days. I went through a shit time around 7/8 years ago and she was there emotionally. She got married to someone (arranged but of her choice) and ended up getting pregnant within a few months (again the couple’s choice) and now has 4 kids. After she gave birth to her first child she moved out of her verbally abusive & controlling in laws house and into her parents house. Her in laws wouldn’t let her work, see friends and even her immediate family).
Her husband would spend the weekends with her at her parents and go back to his parents during the weekdays. Whilst this was going on he went on two holidays with his family and was very controlling over money. He earns over 10k a month (and has several properties on rent) but refused to give her money towards their baby and I at times had to send her nappies and baby food bcos she simply didn’t have the money (no job = no maternity leave pay) and bcos her husband earned a lot she couldn’t apply for child benefits. Anyway, I remember her telling me she wanted a divorce but her parents (who she is now No contact with) discouraged her to, as well as her husband. She fell pregnant 3/4 months after having her first child and was very unhappy about it as she was going through a lot and didn’t feel she could cope. She lived with her parents for over two years and eventually moved into a house with her husband.
Throughout the years she’s had a VERY rocky relationship, emotional and physical violence. Has moved back in with her parents a few times with the kids. Husband was still going off on holiday with his family even when she was heavily pregnant & had to work & take care of their 3 kids. She works part time and does all of the cooking, house work and school drop off and pick ups- I think husbands attitude is ‘I bring in the money for us and I am man so do not cook or clean’ etc. She’s confided in me that she’s never loved him and doesn’t enjoy sex which pains me because I want her to have that in her life. She is mostly no contact with her in-laws.
I’ve supported her throughout all this, offered her a place to stay if she needed it (especially after violence), provided emotional support etc.
But this has been ongoing for 15 years. Every time we talk now it’s almost never about me- just her and her problems. I don’t want to encourage her to leave her marriage since I do believe she needs to make that choice (even though I think
She should and have tried to list benefits of if she stays vs leaves) but at the same time I have said things like, do you think your kids growing up in a toxic environment is better than you being a single mum? (In a much nicer way of course) and pointing out that financially she will be more than ok. She’s very negative (understandably) and I found myself becoming emotionally exhausted after her texts and it’s starting the infuriate me to the point I just want to say accept it and stay with him or bloody leave!
I lost a child in a really horrific way last year so have been dealing with grief and had cut off a lot of contact with most people as it really hit my partner and I. So we recently got back in contact and I had a few texts of her asking me if I was ok etc but now it’s back to her emotionally dumping all her problems on me again.
I’ve offered to meet up with her so many times (I’d like that too as I felt I needed the support after losing my child) so have asked her twice in the last 3 weeks (after she texts me saying things like I really miss you, I’m really struggling etc) and even gave a date to meet up and she’ll respond with something vague like oh, I’m out with the kids & husband that day. And nothing else. So I haven’t text back. We haven’t seen each other since last March. And even then we only met because I pushed for it.
So AIBU for getting frustrated & fed up that she continues to moan on and on and does nothing? Should I just be more understanding? What should I do /say? Just let her vent or try to avoid her/have as little contact with her as possible?
As for meeting up - AIBU to think that I want to see one of my oldest friends but she just seems unbothered otherwise she’d make more of an attempt? I know it isn’t a case of her husband controlling her - I know she’s out and about other places without her husband. I’ve had other friends who I’ve known for much shorter and they’ve offered to come see me/meet up for coffee etc after I lost my child and it bloody hurts that she hasn’t even thought to so now I’m becoming increasingly unsympathetic towards her situation.
I really do not want to lose this friendship but don’t have the energy to have it out with her, I would appreciate some insight and advice on what I should do/ could do better or is this friendship doomed?