Friend being abused

PuddyMuddles4 · 2020-08-23T18:30:21+00:00

My DDs have just told me that their BFF admitted to them that her aunt and aunt's BF have been verbally and physically abusing them (the bff and her siblings) when they're babysitting. They've also being having sex in the parents bed with the kids in the house. BFF doesn't want to tell her DM as she's too scared of the aunt. Obviously I should do or say something - I've tried phoning the DM but she's not answering her phone, so I thought I'd come on here before I jump in and say anything to her. What would you do?

AlternateName · 23/08/2020 19:41

Just tell them! How well do you know the mum?

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/08/2020 19:43

The BFF is also DD1s 'girlfriend'. They're all 12. I know the DM a bit, but we're not close friends or anything.

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Spied · 23/08/2020 19:47

I'd be speaking to 'BFF' directly to listen to what she has to say before I did anything at all.
I'd not go accusing people unless I was sure this was true. Sorry.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2020 19:49

At 12 why are they being baby sat I wonder?

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/08/2020 19:51

@RedHelenB

At 12 why are they being baby sat I wonder?

The BFF is 12 - her siblings are a lot younger. I meant BFF and my DDs are all 12.

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CrumbsThatsQuick · 23/08/2020 19:53

Hmmmmmm

user1493413286 · 23/08/2020 19:53

I’d do what you’re doing and phone their mum

CarrieFour · 23/08/2020 19:53

Yes I think you need to speak to the BFF.

There's a chance (which I'm hoping is the case and no one is really being abused) she's making it up. And then you've heard it yourself before you accuse anyone.

But being able to speak to an adult if it is true could really help the child.

minicat · 23/08/2020 19:57

@Spied

I'd be speaking to 'BFF' directly to listen to what she has to say before I did anything at all. I'd not go accusing people unless I was sure this was true. Sorry.

For the love of god I wish people would not give this terrible advice about ‘not accusing people’.

False allegations are rare. You know what’s not rare? Children being abused and being ignored when they disclose it.

You need to tell the DM and/or social services.

minicat · 23/08/2020 19:58

Seriously why are people so quick to assume it’s made up? What the hell is wrong with you?

I’ll hide this now as I’m taking it too personally but please just fucking stop it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 23/08/2020 19:58

i'd speak to the Mother rather than the child - let her know that you heard it via your daughter, but I would not speak to or question the child about it directly.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/08/2020 19:59

BFF just told my DD that her DM found out, but I think I still need to speak to the DM.

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TheRosariojewels · 23/08/2020 20:00

Do they go to school together? If so I would maybe speak to safeguarding at school.

catcatcatcat · 23/08/2020 20:01

Call the safeguarding line at your local county council. Or the police. You can't do nothing.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/08/2020 20:05

@TheRosariojewels

Do they go to school together? If so I would maybe speak to safeguarding at school.

No, they're at different schools 30 minutes drive apart.

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Spied · 23/08/2020 20:08

I'll be honest and say it sounds to me like BFF is backtracking.
She doesn't want you to speak to her DM.

Sorry minicat but I was 12yo once. My friends and I could have got someone hung with the tales we told at times.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 23/08/2020 20:22

Call safeguarding at her school or the council (it you're not in Scotland and so she's not at school for a few weeks).

It's not your job to question her or confront anyone. Report report report.

ShineYourLight2 · 23/08/2020 20:39

I personally think you should ALWAYS be cautious in the child's favour. If it is true and you don't report, what does that mean for the child? If it is untrue, what is causing that child to lie about something like that? Either way, something is not right.

I would definitely not ask the child myself as they may not disclose to an adult and shut down if they feel more people know. If you approach the mum and she shuts it down or is (God forbid) aware and/or minimises it, that would be problematic for the child.

I would therefore contact the appropriate authorities - social services, council safeguarding, school (if already open, if not please don't wait until Sept). At the very least a safeguarding lead with understanding on how to question children would be involved and any necessary measures can be put in place.

Bumblebee1812 · 23/08/2020 20:46

My advice is to not raise this with the parents. I would go to the police, social services and school. When I say 'and' I say this intentionally, because I would contact all three. Sadly children are often failed by the system. Different organisations do not follow things up as they should. Parents can sadly be blind to what is happening and often push things under the carpet due to not being able to cope with reality.

Some people will say I am overreacting, but I would want to do everything in my power to protect that child/those children. I would tell each organisation that I am contacting the other organisations and I would explain to my children what I have done and why. It's important for children to understand that grown ups should not behave in that way and that there are safe ways for it to be stopped. In regards to the mother if she reaches out to you I would tell her you have taken the said steps in order to hopefully protect her children.

Such a terrible situation. I hope the abuse can be investigated, stopped if true (I agree with posters above that fake claims are extremely rare) and that the children can obtain any support they need.

TenDays · 23/08/2020 20:55

It's difficult but if a child tells you about abuse, even second hand, you have to take it further or you are colluding.

Whether the accusation is true is not your decision. Let the experts find that out.

JenniferSantoro · 23/08/2020 21:02

Do not under any circumstances mention this to the girls parents or family at all. You need to report this to the Police who will conduct a joint investigation with children’s social care. By speaking to the family, you potentially put the children at further risk. You don’t need to contact the school or anyone at the school as there is a chance that this report could be lost or not acted upon. Don’t delay, as the children may have have physical evidence of abuse, ie, bruises, injuries. If you speak to the family, they’ll speak to the auntie and tip her off.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 23/08/2020 21:20

@Spied

I'd be speaking to 'BFF' directly to listen to what she has to say before I did anything at all. I'd not go accusing people unless I was sure this was true. Sorry.

Whatever you do, don't do this OP. Even if this girl is being abused then she is very likely to start denying it if you speak to her. It's not unusual for abuse victims to retract.

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 23/08/2020 21:21

@JenniferSantoro

Do not under any circumstances mention this to the girls parents or family at all. You need to report this to the Police who will conduct a joint investigation with children’s social care. By speaking to the family, you potentially put the children at further risk. You don’t need to contact the school or anyone at the school as there is a chance that this report could be lost or not acted upon. Don’t delay, as the children may have have physical evidence of abuse, ie, bruises, injuries. If you speak to the family, they’ll speak to the auntie and tip her off.

Most sensible post on the thread.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/08/2020 21:29

The BFF had told her DM everything, and I also spoke to the DM. She's absolutely furious that the aunt had let a strange man into their house when they weren't there, and about what had happened with the DC. Aunt and BF have been disowned and banned from ever coming to their house again or going near the DC.

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willowmelangell · 23/08/2020 21:37

Brave BFF. Thank goodness her DM believed her.