I've never been especially slim. Growing up I was always a bit chubby, an old size 14. I weighed between 10 and 11 stone.
In my 20s I ended up in an abusive relationship and became a binge eater. I'd eat until I was almost sick, crying as I shovelled food in. I feel so sad when I think of how utterly miserable and alone I felt. Eventually I got out but my relationship with food was screwed. I lost a bit of weight, regained, lost.
I met my partner at one of my lower weights. He is very broad, he's a 46 chest but you can see his ribs even though he's s few st overweight. Anyway, he always found me attractive and never asked me to lose weight.
Over a number of years I slowly gained weight back. I got to the point where I felt I had to do something as my health was starting to suffer and I felt miserable and unattractive. So I changed my eating, mostly cut out carbs and started exercising most days. I ended up getting to just under 11st which took me to 'normal' BMI.
Anyway, this was all last year, pre lockdown. Lockdown wasn't good for my waistline or relationship, we ended up having a 3 month break (we don't live together and as things were a bit strained we decided to isolate separately). This was good as we are now much more on an even keel.
During lockdown I have gained weight, probably about 2st. Certainly no more than 3. I've also not been exercising as much, and last week I went for a run and twisted my knee, so running is off the cards for a while.
Since we've been back together, he's been saying how attractive he finds me as I am now. He says this is the best I've ever looked. For him at the peak of my weighloss I was too slim, and he's said he would be happy for me not to lose weight.
I would like to lose it. I get what he's saying. The extra 2st is the difference between lots of loose saggy skin, and there being a bit of fat behind' it to bulk it out. But I feel fat. I want to be able to wear a bikini or other clothes without fat rolls. I'm vain enough that if I can lose this 2st and maintain the loss I'd like to have loose skin surgery, as I know this would look better and make me feel better about myself. But losing weight is hard work, it's nice eating what I want as I am now.
So what do I do? Lose it even though partner finds me less attractive when slimmer? (albeit it's not he finds me interactive, his preference is me as I am now) Or stay the same even though I feel fat? I should add I still felt fat at 10-11st. Less fat than now, but still fat.