Personality clash with child??

[Custardcreamcakes]

I love my child but I can't stand them sometimes.
Exactly EXACTLY like their father.
Lives with father most the time as when I relocated, said father had a tremendous tantrum about moving to a 'lower class area that wasn't suitable for said child'.
Child manipulated into living with said father by father.
Said father very calculating and abusive if you say no. But wonderful and delightful if all is 'agreed'. When child comes to stay they demand, scream, yell, threaten, exactly like their father.
Love my child but don't like them. And no. Couldn't just take me child and ignore father etc as is VERY abusive, stalkerish, police did nothing or solicitors, because he's a clever cookie.
Have other children and feel bad for said child but so exhausting to be around. Love deeply but struggle to find joy. Older child. What can I do? Given up hope as feel it's who they are and can't be changed.

How old is older?

Almost teen.

Slightly confused

So your 12 year old lives with their father most of the time and you don't enjoy it when they visit you?

This sounds very hard. You say older but how old are we talking - 10 or 17?

I suppose one thing which comes to mind is does the shouting etc work? Does he get what he wants? If so, maybe that is the thing to reflect on. I could see how you might use the same tactics in replying to your son as you did your ex as that is what you are used to. But you can forge new strategies as your relationship is different.

Eg son says I never get what I want, you are rubbish. Response to a partner might be to fight back and say don't lie I did xyz for you. But response to a child could be oh it must be really frustrating to not get xyz.

This is how I get out of combat with my (possibly asd) DD. Instead of defensive responses acknowledge what they are saying even if you don't plan to solve it or cannot solve it. Eg it must feel terrible when no one is helping you rather than repeatedly saying I want to help what do you want? Diffuses anger for us as you are then in a position if agreement and they might say what is 'really' bothering them next.

Your child to be brought up by a manipulative and abusive father and now dont like it that they're angry and hostile with you? They are the sponge for their father's poison, now you've got yourself and the other children away. Do you think they should be unaffected?

Are the other children full siblings with this DC?

Given up hope as feel it's who they are and can't be changed.

This is not true. No one has to be this way. It’s not a personality type.

However, it is not going to change so long as it is modelled and encouraged by his primary caregiver. I would seriously consider seeking a change in custody arrangements citing your ex’s abusive behaviour and the impact that is having on your child. It’ll be really hard but it might just be the best thing you could do for them.

What did you expect when you left him with that abusive man??? Take ownership and stop blaming your son.

My ex would emotionally blackmail my child to gain sympathy or for child to feel persuaded to agree. I always said to child, it's up to you, do you want to? Don't just do it because you feel you have to etc, it's your choice. I even said to ex you can't do that to a child, so rather than have the child in the middle of a standoff feeling confused as who to please, I just let the father have his way. Because yes he has in the past emotionally manipulated our child and I've seen the confused state of the child, and so rather than have them like that, just let the father have his way to diffuse the situation.

Other siblings are half siblings.

I miss my child terribly and feel sad they're not a full time part of our household. I love them dearly but they're just like their father.
Nasty to his siblings, if something doesn't go right, lashes out and makes them cry, they say they feel scared of their sibling.

I know it's difficult. They are their own person but their phrases, mannerisms are just like their fathers! We really really do try, we are an easy going household.
Yet child swans around like the world owes them something.
Routine is all to pot when they come, won't go to bed until late, won't eat food unless it's a brand name, ughhh. What do I do??
I feel like my feelings are not normal and I should dote on my child unconditionally, yet I feel like they view me as a service?

Get me this, get me that, how dare you hinder me, you're stupid, buy me this now, I'll kill myself if you don't, I hate you, oh but I love you you're the best because you did what I wanted.

Other children not like this at all!!

This reminds me in some ways of myself as a child. My dad was abusive and my mum left and had a child with her new partner. The times I visited my dad were awful, and I often heard him being abusive to my stepmother. When I came back from visits I was so emotionally overwhelmed, it definitely made me a difficult child- I was dreamy and absent a lot of the time, but also very emotional and prone to tantrums. My mum used to tell me that I was “horrible” when I came back from my dads and that I was “just like him” and it damaged my self esteem and my relationship with her forever.

Difficult behaviour in children is so often due to sadness and fear, rather than personality. It sounds like your child may have experienced trauma (through witnessing abuse), lots of upheaval and bad/unstable parenting through living with their father. What they need is to feel your unwavering love and support, and probably some counselling.

Have you heard of love bombing? I wonder if it would be helpful in resetting for you both
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

Not really a lot you can do, without taking full custody of child and cutting out abusive horrible father.

even said to ex you can't do that to a child, so rather than have the child in the middle of a standoff feeling confused as who to please, I just let the father have his way. Because yes he has in the past emotionally manipulated our child and I've seen the confused state of the child, and so rather than have them like that, just let the father have his way to diffuse the situation.

I really don’t understand this- your ex is manipulative and abusive, and emotionally blackmailed your child, so you felt that the best solution was to send your child to live with him? Because that’s less confusing?

Your child sounds like he’s full of anger and I don’t think it’s very helpful to be comparing him to your ex all the time. It could be that he feels abandoned by you for (as he sees it) abandoning him to his father, and is now pushing the boundaries to test how much you’ll put up with/love him. How many other children do you have and is their father around?

I don’t have experience of this, and it must be tough, but my view would be as follows:

1. Of course your son has the mannerisms, phrases etc of his dad because he lives with him, that’s inevitable. It’s also inevitable that he parrots his behaviour because he has watched it work. So being angry with him for these two things is totally unfair because the choices you have made (whether right or wrong) have led to this. It is important that you constantly remind yourself of this and therefore frame his behaviour in this light.
2. He is still young, a child, whose behaviour is not set in stone. You need very clear boundaries with him in your home and a complete commitment to them not moving. So for example if he refuses to eat anything other than a specific brand of food, and you aren’t happy to serve that, you tell him what is for dinner and if he won’t eat it (assuming on the face of it it is a meal he would otherwise like) he doesn’t get any dinner. Or any snacks to fill him in pace of dinner. You need to stand absolutely firm on this and deal with the fallout for a period of time, until his behaviour improves. I have seen plenty of children who behave differently for different adults because they know they have different boundaries.
3. He isn’t your Ex. Remind yourself of this over and over and over again. He isn’t. He’s your son. You owe it to him and to yourself to parent him to be a better person than your Ex. And the same approach you took to your ex isn’t the approach you should take to your son.

Sounds hard, so I don’t say these things with judgment, but it sounds like you need to reset for yourself and your son.

How many half siblings and what age was your DC when you split with his dad and got together with new partner?
The preteen age is often fraught enough with all those hormones bouncing around, it must be even harder as it's likely he know you and your family of half siblings don't like/want him there, and you yourself have said how toxic and horrible his home life with his father is. He will be very confused and angry.

@Custardcreamcakes

My ex would emotionally blackmail my child to gain sympathy or for child to feel persuaded to agree. I always said to child, it's up to you, do you want to? Don't just do it because you feel you have to etc, it's your choice. I even said to ex you can't do that to a child, so rather than have the child in the middle of a standoff feeling confused as who to please, I just let the father have his way. Because yes he has in the past emotionally manipulated our child and I've seen the confused state of the child, and so rather than have them like that, just let the father have his way to diffuse the situation.

Other siblings are half siblings.

I miss my child terribly and feel sad they're not a full time part of our household. I love them dearly but they're just like their father.
Nasty to his siblings, if something doesn't go right, lashes out and makes them cry, they say they feel scared of their sibling.

I know it's difficult. They are their own person but their phrases, mannerisms are just like their fathers! We really really do try, we are an easy going household.
Yet child swans around like the world owes them something.
Routine is all to pot when they come, won't go to bed until late, won't eat food unless it's a brand name, ughhh. What do I do??
I feel like my feelings are not normal and I should dote on my child unconditionally, yet I feel like they view me as a service?

Get me this, get me that, how dare you hinder me, you're stupid, buy me this now, I'll kill myself if you don't, I hate you, oh but I love you you're the best because you did what I wanted.

Other children not like this at all!!

Well, no. The other children won't be like this because they weren't brought up by your ex.

Why did you give in to the tantrum when you moved? Why didn't you go to court?

There's a huge backstory here, and without the details no-one can advise.

I agree with @Angelina82 that he's full of anger at what to him feels like abandonment. He's expecting you to reject him hence why he's pushing you away. I have 2 DDs who are adopted (11 and 8) and they both have a lot of pent up anger; DD1 has been violent to me in the past.

You do need to stand your ground and be the parent, children do need firm boundaries.

Because yes he has in the past emotionally manipulated our child and I've seen the confused state of the child, and so rather than have them like that, just let the father have his way to diffuse the situation.

I understand why you'd want to do that in the moment, but in the long term, this is what has caused your child the most harm. I'm going to say it again, the best thing you can do for this child is get them away from their manipulative, abusive father.

He's only 12 and he's obviously had half siblings come along within this time. You say he 'chose' to live with his dad but how old was he then? Surely all was decided by you and his dad?

Is this some feeling of rejection from him?

It seems awful to say 'he's just like his dad'. He's the main care giver surely he is picking up his traits.

Seems sad as though you were resigned to this happening from such an early age.

Stil thinking about this boy, does anyone in his life actually want him? GPs, godparents?