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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands day off

22 replies

ArdoCycle · 21/08/2020 17:10

I feel like I am probably being unreasonable...we have 12 week olds twins and I am off on maternity leave. My H has been working from home, but generally we don’t see him during the work day, and he doesn’t finish until around 6:30 each day.

I am breastfeeding so I have most of the overnight care and have the babies all day on my own.

He took today off to see an old uni friend who we all went for lunch with. He lifted the babies out of their cot this morning and put them in bed with me because they were crying. They weren’t due a feed so I was a bit meh that he didn’t just take them and get them dressed etc because he wasn’t dashing off to work. All fine. This afternoon I have cut his hair - I feed babies and he goes off for a shower. He comes back downstairs 90 minutes later and hasn’t had a shower, he was just on the internet messing around. I feel so irritated about this.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should have made more effort to spend the time with us/ take the babies for a while to give me a rest?

I know it’s his day off, but I feel like I don’t have the option of time off, and have been quite isolated with the babies.

He’s really good at helping out round the house and he makes dinner quite often when he finishes work, so it’s not like he’s not hands on, I just feel annoyed when he disappears off for hours at a time.

OP posts:

MrsSpenserGregson · 21/08/2020 17:13

I didn't need to read past the part where you say you are breastfeeding 12-week-old twins to know that YANBU.

Your husband should be doing everything humanly possible to make things easier for you. In fact he should be worshipping the ground you walk on right now. Fannying around on the internet for 90 chuffing minutes does not fall into that category.

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 21/08/2020 17:22

He’s come back down and offered to take the babies for a walk (in the storm) I feel like I’ve got myself into quite a grumpy mood now though 🤦🏼‍♀️ Probably I need to get over myself rather than ruin the rest of our day

OP posts:

billy1966 · 21/08/2020 17:30

OP,
Of course YANBU.

Is he just really dim?

When exactly did you last have 90 minutes to piss about?

Twins are hard work and full on.
The fact that you ar BF is a huge extra effort.
I bet you are grumpy.
How about you take yourself off for 90 minutes.

Frankly working FT is a walk in the park compared with twins IMO.
I know this having seen it up close with a family member.
Twins are relentless.

Mind yourself

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 21/08/2020 17:39

I just feel like relentless is exactly the word.

OP posts:

WendyHoused · 21/08/2020 17:44

You poor thing, the early months are relentless.

He needs to get his head out of his ass. I argued with DP over this when mine were tiny. This isn't normal life, it's State Of Emergency measures until they are sleeping better, so fun concepts like 90 minutes pissing about are off the table. He needs to buck his ideas up.

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 21/08/2020 17:46

I think it’s much harder for him to understand free times isn’t really a thing now - he says he just needs a day off - but I don’t know how you expect a day off from parenthood to be honest. I’m trying to be reasonable as we all need to adjust I think I’m a bit tired is all

OP posts:

burritofan · 21/08/2020 17:47

And when’s your day off?! When’s your 90-minute internet faff time? YANBU and he’s being an arse, he needs a stern talking to and also to bring you vastly calorific foods on the hour.

Kitkat05 · 21/08/2020 17:48

Wow op twins!! Even one baby is hard work!

HoratiotheHorsefly · 21/08/2020 17:50

Who the hell are the 10 people who've voted YABU 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are most definitely not being unreasonable in expecting to help out with your twins more.

Giving birth to and breast feeding one baby is hard work so I can't imagine how exhausted you are with two.

How can he not see how mind bogglingly exhausted you are?

HoratiotheHorsefly · 21/08/2020 17:52

@ArdoCycle

Remind him that days off with tiny humans is just not compatible.

DeliaOwens · 21/08/2020 18:02

OP. As the mother of twins, I feel your pain. I was lucky that our HV said (in very early days) "Mummy feeds and comforts twins, then Daddy must feed and comfort Mummy". I think that was a defining moment in my parenting journey, and that of my husband.

At this point, 12 weeks in, you probably feel more like a childcare worker and less like a woman...it is relentless in the early weeks and months. He should not 'disappear' for hours regularly though. Your DH is also entitled to see friends. In fact, an occasional friend meet up can give him perspective I found.

You might have to bluntly point out your expectations, match with his expectations and find a middle ground. In my experience, nothing good comes out of unsaid resentment.

SunshineCake · 21/08/2020 18:19

So the babies are your job and his work is his. So he gets a day off from the office and you get a day off from the babies. Err...

Namechange2020onceagain · 21/08/2020 18:23

He’s really good at helping out round the house

How is he "helping"? He lives there too unless you have nominated yourself the doer of all things.

He should be doing at least 90% of everything domestic at this stage.

Take yourself off for a bath for 90 minutes.

Original poster

ArdoCycle · 21/08/2020 18:47

I just mean to say it’s not like he doesn’t do anything - this just seems to rub me the wrong way a little bit as I know he thinks he doesn’t get any time off, but I also feel like this. With two babies they are rarely asleep at the same time and when they are I fly round the house like a maniac trying to wash dishes or get a nappy wash on or change beds which have invariably been pee’d on at some point in the night!!! I know he is working but I feel like I am too 🤪

OP posts:

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 21/08/2020 18:56

Does he interact with his children at all?

Riv · 21/08/2020 19:00

@ArdoCycle "I know he is working but I feel like I am too"
You ARE working. Much harder than him!
Remember the days of full time working for pay? those tough times when you had coffee breaks and lunch breaks? when you got to step away from what you were doing and actually eat and drink hot things without interruption? and even maybe have an adult conversation? Then leave it all behind for 16 hours or so? That was working hard. How does it compare to your current "non work". Just because one is unpaid doesn't mean it's not work!!!!

converseandjeans · 21/08/2020 19:09

YANBU and I would also be surprised if he was 'working' til 6.30pm every night. What time did he used to get home pre children? Bearing in mind he now does not need to travel?

DeliaOwens · 21/08/2020 20:32

Em...your superpower was growing and birthing two humans. If he gets a day off, you should get a month off, with pay and benefits.

Each parent is entitled to time away, for a mental and physical break. The other parent needs to manage during that period. Full stop, no questions asked or f*cks given.

You are not 'her indoors', you are a person as well as a wife and mother. Speak up. Express what you want and need. He tells you what he is doing, not asking, telling so you use the same kind of attitude.

Namechange2020onceagain · 21/08/2020 20:39

You don't get any time off, you are on call 24/7 AND making your babies food.

He really needs to have the babies everyday for however long so you can have a break. By break I mean time to yourself, not running around doing housework. This will also give him a chance to bond with them.

You need to spell it out for him. Children change things, how has his day changed since you gave birth?

Have a calm chat and tell him what you need.

BIRDSbirds · 21/08/2020 21:14

Wow, you are an absolute warrior breastfeeding twins. Kudos to you.

Nothing wrong with him having some time off occasionally - if you get time off too! Hand him the babies and go for a long soak/walk. Also, he should be helping at night. He might not be able to feed but he can change nappies and cuddle crying babies.

Sexnotgender · 21/08/2020 21:24

Who the fuck voted YABU?

Giespeace · 21/08/2020 21:28

He clearly need this spelling out for him - ideally in very short words.
He gets to clock off at 6.30 and relax. Fine. But what would happen if you did the same? Operations cease. Babies scream with hunger, and stink the house out with their full nappies. Dishes fester in the sink, damp washing festers in the machine, people trip over the tummy time toys strewn across the living room floor. There’s not a clean dummy to be found.
Who’s problem is that to sort? Just yours? Why? You both just put in a solid 10 hour shift. As equals, you both now deserve to relax. But you can’t, because as well as equal human beings you are also equal parents. So one parent shouldn’t be taking all their leisure time and leaving the other to carry on dealing with everything long after their shift has theoretically ended.
Either it’s works or it isn’t. If it’s work then the worker deserves time off and he should be taking over to let you rest too. If all you’ve been doing is faffing about enjoying cuddles with your precious babies, then he should be making sure he gets that same special time and taking over. Either way he wants to argue, he should be doing more.

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