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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed about DH birthday celebrations?

29 replies

BowowMttt · 21/08/2020 15:28

I might be being a diva so just putting the feelers out there before speaking to DH about it again...
DH is celebrating a big birthday next year so has booked a long weekend watching a sporting event with his friends. All ok so far...
Until we went out the other night and his friend mentioned another trip with just the men, a long weekend abroad. I’m just a bit miffed because he’s arranged two celebrations without telling me and neither of these involve me or our 2 yo DS. Would it bother you?

OP posts:
quest1on · 21/08/2020 15:32

Maybe he has arranged something else for you and DS?

If not, he’s a bit off yes.

Or maybe he thinks you’re organising a surprise event for him?!

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 15:32

No. I’d think - why haven’t you asked him about how he’d like to celebrate together yet? I would think it was about timing.

But my husband has no backstory of being selfish or not wanting to spend time with his family - has yours?

Onesipmore · 21/08/2020 15:33

No I wouldn't be miffed because I would be planning something for my DHs milestone.

Hellokitty82 · 21/08/2020 15:34

Sorry but if you get married and have a 2 year old son you. I longer have the right to just clear off abroad with the lads

If that's the sort of bloke he is don't have anymore kids with him and dump the bastard

Totally unacceptable

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 15:34

@quest1on

Maybe he has arranged something else for you and DS?

If not, he’s a bit off yes.

Or maybe he thinks you’re organising a surprise event for him?!

Not sure about a surprise event... but I do think that generally for big birthdays:
  • event with friends: birthday owner organised
  • event with family: family organises

That’s part of it, isn’t it? Otherwise he’d be posting, “it’s my 40th - AIBU to be sad my wife is expecting me to organise my own party?”

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/08/2020 15:34

As long as he was celebrating with family and was funding the trips I wouldn’t have an issue with it. I think keeping up friendships is important, too many let them slide after marriage and have no one of it goes wrong.

Hellokitty82 · 21/08/2020 15:35

"I"?
Should read

You no longer

I get keeping friendships not weekends away with the lads

He needs to grow up
And you need to put your foot down

piscean10 · 21/08/2020 15:36

Yes I would be upset. Clearly shows a lack of respect at a minimum. He didnt bother telling you about either. And what if you were planning something? How would you have known about dates. I would be upset that he didnt even think of you and your ds to be a part of anything.

Redraptor · 21/08/2020 15:38

Surely if it's his birthday you should be planning something for the three of you?

ItalianHat · 21/08/2020 15:39

So, you're married, but your DH has decided to go off to do two things without his wife? One of them involving not parenting his child. He's assuming you'll look after his child on your own for 3 days.

YANBU.

What a plonker he is.

MinnieMountain · 21/08/2020 15:41

I'd be annoyed that he'd arranged any trip without checking with me that the date fits in with any plans that you might have first.

Original poster
BowowMttt · 21/08/2020 15:41

I’ve been trying to discuss celebration ideas for the last 12 months and he just said he isn’t bothered or doesn’t like the ideas so it’s not as though I’ve ignored his birthday. I go on holiday with just the girls so I’m not fussed about that aspect. Just thought he’d want to plan something with us rather than just his friends. Perhaps he is hinting that he wants a surprise Grin

OP posts:
Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 15:46

I go away with my girl friends every year and dh stays home with the dc. He is planning a trip to Vagas with his mates for his 40th next year.

I don’t think trips away are an issue. The issue here is that none of them were discussed with OP.

Before I book anything I check with dh if the dates are ok and visa versa.

I think two trips away are a bit of a piss take though for one event. He has probably got carried away and not said anything because he knows he is taking the piss.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 21/08/2020 15:47

Surprise him.... do nothing, and if he is miffed just tell him that you had heard he had organised his celebartions!

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2020 15:48

Wouldn't you be planning something for his birthday? I'd be a bit sad if my dh wanted to spend his 40th with friends not me though

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/08/2020 15:57

I'd be pissed off. Not that he is away with his friends, but that he is booking holidays without checking with you or telling you. Surely he can see it's weird for you to find out about his holiday from his friend and not him?? I'd also be miffed that he is enthusiastic about two celebrations with friends but not with you or his son. Normally you want to celebrate with people that are important to you

gutentag1 · 21/08/2020 16:06

I'd be annoyed that he booked the second one without consulting you on dates.

What if you'd booked the same weekend away without telling him? Or are you the default parent and he gets to do what he wants?

UtMalumPluvia · 21/08/2020 16:09

Sorry but if you get married and have a 2 year old son you. I longer have the right to just clear off abroad with the lads

Being married doesn't mean you can't have weekends away with friends. There's nothing wrong with that.

What is twatty though is it sounds like he's said he doesn't want any big plans for his birthday when she's tried to plan to celebrate something with him, and has then agreed to two lads holidays and nothing with his family.

As long as both get time away with friends and discussions about dates etc for childcare reasons, it's fine for people to have breaks without their spouse.

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 16:14

It’s not clear that the second one has a set date yet. A plan to have a weekend abroad may still be at the ideas stage, so no date to discuss.

My husband goes away with his mates quite a lot (cyclist Grin) and he certainly doesn’t need “permission” from me. But I can’t imagine him not telling me, because it’s just part of our general chit chat, “oh, Mike suggested a Wales biking weekend in October” - “that sounds fun, whereabouts?”

We always share that stuff, just in conversation.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/08/2020 16:17

Perhaps he is hinting that he wants a surprise
I don't think that's the hint he's dropping.
He's keen enough to make plans for two trips with his friends, but distinctly cool/evasive about plans with you. YANBU, I'd be really hurt.

BackforGood · 21/08/2020 16:45

I think I'd be annoyed for two reasons - one is that he wants to do 2 celebrations without you and none with you. The other is, that he has booked to go away without even having the decency to d a calendar check / discuss it with you first.

Like you, I'd not have an issue with him doing the one weekend away. (and maybe not even the 2nd, had he discussed it).

BreatheAndFocus · 21/08/2020 16:46

Yes, it would bother me. It’s like he’s forgotten about you and your DS. Why hasn’t he mentioned the trip abroad to you? Could it be a ‘possible thing’ rather than a definite thing? But even then he should have ran it past you and asked about dates, etc

It would make me wonder what was going on in his head and if he was as invested in the relationship as I thought.

Speak to him in a casual way, not an accusing way and try to gauge what’s going on.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 21/08/2020 17:02

My favourite present is to go to my favourite camp site alone for a few days. Maybe he wants to have time off from you and your child. It's his birthday, he should get to choose what he does.
If he has to plan and organise a family trip, how is it a present for him. So often on here women complain they don't want to have a holiday with family because it's "same shit different place" and not actually a break for them. Maybe he feels like that.
Does he normally have breaks away to the sport, or with his friends, or is this a special occasion for his big birthday?

Original poster
BowowMttt · 22/08/2020 12:56

He gets plenty of time away with friends and as a family too. He has said he would like a party instead, might be a bit difficult organising a big party with Covid around though!

OP posts:
Hellokitty82 · 22/08/2020 21:11

@BowowMttt
If you "go on holiday with the girls" even tho you are "a family" I'm sorry but then if this arrangement is ok for you it's ok for him he'll be thinking

Perhaps you need to have a chat with him about this??

I wouldn't dream of leaving my kids going off on "a girls holiday" my priority is my family I've grown out of girls holidays

As life progresses things change