Hi, everyone. I don't know what I'm looking to gain from this or even if I expect any responses but I just even need to type what I'm feeling at the moment. Basically on the outside everything in life looks great, I am engaged, I have two children, my partner and I have great jobs and own our own home, we go on multiple holidays every year etc people keep telling me how lucky I am. In reality I am struggling daily not to breakdown.
As a child I was abused and I never told anyone, I just grew up and I thought about it every now and then but I always felt like it didn't affect me. Then two years ago everything came to the surface and I was 28 at the time, for the first time in my life I began experiencing sleep paralysis, severe panic attacks and anxiety, I just thought about what happened non stop everyday. I began drinking daily, not a lot, but I drink from a mug so my partner doesn't see. I went to my Dr. and also to counselling in secret, I never really addressed the full reasons for me being there as I just could never get the words out so it basically didn't work. Ever since I have just gone day by day counting down the hours to going to bed at night. I don't even know why but for some reason I stopped paying my bills i.e phone bill, credit card, credit union to the point they were ringing me daily and sending me letters which I hid from my partner all over the house, I just spent all my savings on absolute rubbish, I don't know maybe I was looking to cheer myself up short term. I think I just got so unhappy that nothing else in my life actually mattered to me. I lost so many friends because I would make plans with them and just not go through with it, I lost the relationship with my parents because they said I had become a totally different person and they were disappointed in me. I think due to hiding my past for so long I have just become so used to keeping secrets from people and hiding things, I allow them to be bottled up until I snap. My partner knows nothing of my debts, my depression, the fact I was taking Xanax I feel like my whole life is one big secret or lie that not one person knows the truth about me. I wouldn't even know if I could differentiate between what the truth is anymore. I have just become so accustom to lying and telling people how great everything is and how happy I am that I am mentally and physically exhausted. I suppose the reason I wrote this is because I never realised how much my childhood could affect the rest of my life and I never thought this would be me.