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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU burnout at 40

26 replies

Howcanwehelp · 21/08/2020 09:10

I've just reached a point I don't want to work anymore. I'm middle management with no prospects and it's too much. I'm now expected to work during my leave that I've been hanging on to. Dh says I can hand in my resignation when we get back and go contract but I know how risky this is. We do have 6 months savings but I'm the main earner.
Please tell me is my mental health, and the childhood of my children worth more than money? I was poor during my childhood and wanted the best for my dc but I feel like I'm breaking in two.

OP posts:
smallestleaf · 21/08/2020 09:16

However miserable it is, it is better to have a job than not have a job.

I wish I had held onto the job I didn't like rather than allow twat of an ex to persuade me to leave it and follow his career. Its a lot harder to start over again.

Littlemissdaredevil · 21/08/2020 09:26

If it’s that bad I would quit. Could you the. Take an entire month off to decompress and see how you feel. If you have a breakdown you won’t have a choice.

fortysomething78 · 21/08/2020 09:32

I massively sympathise.
I'm 42, a nurse and feeling burnt out.
I actually like my job but it is incredibly stressful (lots of child protection)
I'm on a decent wage and work 4 days a week so know I should be grateful. But I'm so so exhausted and not sure what to do. We're trying to move house but due to Covid can't get the 90% mortgage we need so I feel kinda stuck. If we had our mortgage in place I'd know better how we are financially.
I think once we have our mortgage I'm going to look for a less stressful job.
Ahh that actually feels better getting all that out !
Can you look at other jobs ? Retrain ?

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 21/08/2020 09:39

I’d leave
I was made redundant and have taken a job with an eye watering pay cut but I think my happiness will increase enough to justify it. And eventually I can build up more hours.
If you can pay what needs to be paid then go for it.

Original poster
Howcanwehelp · 21/08/2020 09:39

I've been looking for a new role since easter for perm work but nothing yet. I've been having mental health support for a few months and thought I was back to OK but this week has really set me back and today finding I have to work on my holiday has floored me. Its not just a couple of hours work, it's the expectation I will be available on my phone at all times.

OP posts:
angelfishrock · 21/08/2020 09:42

Please tell me is my mental health, and the childhood of my children worth more than money?

of course it is. the issue is, can you afford it? How save is DH's job? Losing the roof over your head is a lot more stress than a stressful job.

Tolleshunt · 21/08/2020 09:59

Can you just say you need a holiday and won’t be available on your phone during leave? If the alternative is that you get signed off with stress for a few weeks, this would be better for them.

I’ve worked in similar situations, OP, and I know that ‘expectations’Hmm and culture make this kind of thing incredibly difficult to say. But looking back now I wonder why I was so captured by this when I hated the job and was planning to leave anyway. It’s not like they can sack you for not being available on leave. It’s leave. And if you’re thinking g of resigning anyway, why worry?

magicmallow · 21/08/2020 10:00

Have faith in yourself and you will be rewarded. Life's not worth enduring a crap job for years on end. Take a leap of faith. You might be surprised what comes out of it.

DorisDaisyMay · 21/08/2020 10:01

The issue is when we feel like you feel (and I have felt it) we make it into either/or situations and there are more options available to you.

I used to earn 75 percent more than I do. I was the main earner. I told myself if I didn’t work and earn we wouldn’t survive.

None of the horror stories I told myself about financial ruin came true. We were/are fine. I got better. I got a new part time job which is fun! I do tons more interesting stuff now plus am not stressed ever. I get to eat, sleep and exercise regularly and life went in an upward spiral for everyone in my family.

Options available:
Go for a walk - fresh air and endorphins
Ask work for an admin assistant/co-project support on a temporary basis to work on project while you are away
Apply for flexible working
Say no to working through leave. Bat it back to your manager - that is what they are paid for. If you think you will leave what damage can saying no do?
Have counselling to explore emotions and boundaries, saying no for the future
Get more help in at home - Ocado, cleaner, au pair etc
Get comfortable with putting children into childcare just so you can have a lazy day
Ask yourself what sparks joy in you and do that once a week at least

It feels hopeless and overwhelming but that is a feeling - it’s not reality. You have options.

dontdisturbmenow · 21/08/2020 10:02

Its not just a couple of hours work, it's the expectation I will be available on my phone at all times
Then you need to be more assertive, tell your boss you are at the limit of complete burnout where you'll end up with physical symptoms that will make you unable to work and holidays are designed to rest to avoid exactly that.

Say you will NOT do work whilst away as you need to clear your mind up, get proper sleep and refresh yourself mentally and physically.

nanbread · 21/08/2020 10:03

Why are you expected to work during your leave? It's not leave if you're working and you should tell them that. You are entitled to leave.

OhioOhioOhio · 21/08/2020 10:04

If you give up your job without another financially secure option you'll swap one mental health problem for another.

RefuseTheLies · 21/08/2020 10:07

It would be a real shame if your phone mysteriously broke on your first day of leave...

SnuggyBuggy · 21/08/2020 10:07

Middle management can be grim. I'm not working at the moment (SAHM) but I realised a while back that I simply didn't want to progress in my old line of work because its huge increases in stress for small increases in pay. My managers were the most miserable people, constantly signed of sick and burnt out.

Your mental health is important

FarTooSkinny · 21/08/2020 10:08

OP I feel for you, it is crap when work is like that. The expectation of working during leave is rubbish, what happens if you just ignore it? You say your prospects are poor it is not as if you are chasing promotion!

I have been in the same situation as you previously - I just quit, took some time off then went back in elsewhere. However, the job market is a bit of a mess at the moment.

You mention going contract, not a good time to do that - contractor are the first to be fired when times are bad. The market is flooded with out of work contractors at the moment. I'd suggest keep looking for perm work - sweat your network as much as possible and keep plugging away. There are jobs out there

DancingCatGif · 21/08/2020 10:08

Not having a career is not the worst thing that can happen to you. If you're middle management now, you're always going to be able to get shop work, factory work etc.

It just depends if you think that is something really awful. Plenty of people live off that kind of wage.

It's very likely you'll be able to get decent agency work but just figure out the worst possible situation and see if you could deal with it.

HowFastIsTooFast · 21/08/2020 10:19

There's no way you should be working during your leave OP. I work for a small business where we're expected to be 'on' a lot of the time; we can occasionally due to a crisis be called into the office on an evening or a weekend when we need all hands on deck, but for everyone aside from the MD leave is leave, and we would never be contacted, even in an emergency.

Tell them you won't be working during your leave, and if they insist you do then go get yourself signed off for a few weeks and turn your phone off. A break might be enough to make you feel better and think a bit clearer about what you want to do going forwards.

IceniSky · 21/08/2020 10:28

42 Middle Management. Found company was with for 19 years had change and I was miserable. My friends all took VR and new people flooded in. I felt burnt out and uninterested. Was once the 'star' and watched as others took my place, and I really didn't care.

Has taken 18 months but made the leap into a new job a few weeks ago. Slightly lower pay. Finding it hard but refreshing and I feel keen.

Sakura7 · 21/08/2020 10:32

You can get signed off by a GP for a few weeks due to stress. It sounds like you badly need a break.

I know that feeling of being utterly miserable at work but feeling trapped. After two years of thinking about it I left without another job to go to, took a couple of months off and then started doing some part time work on a self employed basis. I did this for over a year and I'll be starting a new full time job shortly, which is a step up from my previous role. I have no regrets at all, I did what I needed to do and it worked out for me. There were some periods when work dried up a bit but they passed. I had savings so it was fine, but I didn't need to dip into them too much.

You'll always get people saying you should never ever leave a job without another one, but for some of us it's the right option. Especially if it prevents us from having a nervous breakdown.

bridgetreilly · 21/08/2020 10:36

Don’t work during your leave. Don’t respond to emails after a certain time or before a certain time. Don’t talk to anyone about it, just stop doing it. Start taking back control of your own life. And have a good holiday!

79andnotout · 21/08/2020 10:47

There are a lot of jobs out there where you're expected to work during your leave. This is the case for the different companies I've worked for in my industry.

I think it also leads to a lot of divorces!

My leave terms are - contact me in the morning or evening, but only during the day if it's an absolute emergency, and that's about as much as I can push it.

T1nyT03s2 · 21/08/2020 11:44

If you are on your holiday whether it is one day or a month
Can you do this ?

Email - Put an out of office saying that you are on holiday until X date & if urgent contact Y ( you arrange for someone to cover you)

Phone - Let it go to VMail with a similar message

Nobody should be a single point a failure in any organisation

What is the point of holiday if you cannot relax

What do other people do when they go on holiday in your organisation ?

HappyBugBanana · 15/06/2024 07:06

I’m in a similar situation than you were. What did you end up doing?

Original poster
Howcanwehelp · 15/06/2024 09:01

By Dec 2020 I started a new role, I lost a good friend in Sept 2020 and realised life was too short, it was the wake up call I needed.
Starting a new job in lock down and the first year was tough but now I feel much more comfortable and happy to gave this job as long as they want me.
I am no longer ambitious and as long as I earn enough to support my family I'm happy.

OP posts:
Ginmonkeyagain · 15/06/2024 09:24

Expecting you to work during your leave is completely unreasonable.

What will happen if you just don't? I suspect the organisation will carry on regardless.

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