To ask what it’s like working full time when your children have SEN?

[Merryoldgoat]

I have two DS - 7yo who has HFA and 2yo with significant speech delay - vey likely ASD - we don’t know the full picture for obvious reasons.

Older is in mainstream school, academically good but concentration is hell. Looking at EHCP when he goes back.

I suspect younger will need specialist provision but i don’t know yet.

Currently work 3.5 days a week - fits in well and is flexible. Work want to develop my role and would like me to go full time. I’d like to - I think I’m ready again personally (although I’d miss Fridays off), and it would be more money, but not sure if it’s right for the kids/family.

I have a very involved DH who does his share of all stuff - kids, house, cooking, drop offs etc. so it’s not all left to me but I do most appointments and ‘admin’ etc because I’m better at it and prefer it that way.

What do you think? Is it the wrong time? I’ve had to let a few opportunities go because it’s not been the right time but maybe I just need to try? Bah. I don’t know.

Can you access any childcare?
Its just my child attends an SEN school but there are no before or after school clubs, no holiday clubs, its not close to home and no childminders /nannies have been interested at a price we can pay.
If you have childcare then go for it. Things like admin and appointments should be manageable between you.

If you're looking at getting an EHC Needs Assessment, you will want your DH fully on board with appointments and paperwork because it will get very heavy very fast, and you may well have a fight on your hands that will require a lot of time and organisation.

Sorry! I should have said that!

Youngest currently is at CM and settled well - has been going a year. Older uses after school club.

I’d consider an after school nanny type arrangement once youngest is in school.

@MotherOfGremlins

If you're looking at getting an EHC Needs Assessment, you will want your DH fully on board with appointments and paperwork because it will get very heavy very fast, and you may well have a fight on your hands that will require a lot of time and organisation.

The school are leading on this and he’s been assessed me the LA EP who has recommended additional classroom support for older.

Consultant has referred 2yo to SALT and Portage and some kind of early intervention thing is to be put in place for nursery next year.

It sounds like you have supportive professionals and good childcare. Its such an uncertain world with covid and brexit that developing you career seems sensible.

I have a ds with ADHD, ASD, tourretts and other issues and I ended up having to quit my job because of the cost of child care for him £20 per hour is not something that I could afford to pay for 1 to 1 care and he was invited not to come back to every kids club we tried even the ones that specialise in sen children.
Have you got suitable child care for both dc and a fall back plan for when 1 is ill or school closes early?

It will depend entirely on your child and your support network, good childcare will be invaluable.

I have two DC with additional needs and had to give up work as neither copes well in childcare so we went through several providers in a relatively short space of time before we exhausted all of the local options. My employer was understanding but understanding only goes so far when you're getting your second phone call of the week to say DS is having a meltdown, its upsetting the other children, and he must be collected immediately. Or you're having to ring work again to say that DS is refusing to leave the house again so you're going to be late in but you don't know how late. DH and I did split it but when it came down to which job we could afford to lose it was mine as I earned less and had less longterm prospects due to the nature of my work. I did try being self-employed for a bit but again, the DC impacted on my reliability and ability to take on a workload so it was a lot of stress for very little gain.

I'd say it's very hard. It nearly broke me, but my exH did not pull his weight with children, let alone SEN related admin and appointments etc.

Eldest now starting at an ASD unit in a mainstream secondary, younger two are looking like they are both NT (though still ?ASD on youngest), and are in mainstream primary doing well.

It's very, very hard to get wrap around care for a (well, at least my) child with ASD that meets their needs and is affordable. Most after school nannies won't take on the job because they can get paid the same without the SEN to deal with.
I know very few families in my situation where both parents bare full time at work.

It's probably not what you want to hear. Sorry. I am looking at going up to 4 days soon though.

IME it was the appointments, meetings both planned and unplanned and hospital/therapy appointments that did for us. Nanny/CM can't attend those. Plus needing taking to or fetching from sxhool or not attending fulltime. Plus exhaustion, lack of sleep etc.. We were both PT but now I have managed to start FT, youngest is 15.

I'm good at my job but there's no doubt I've not chased promotion or been able to do the extra work. Go ahead but have a fall back position. Ours really started to struggle in secondary school which caught us by surprise.

That’s a good way of looking at it - I hadn’t thought of it like that.

I work pt but found things easier once kids were diagnosed and there weren't as many appointments. If you have good wrap round care that can meet the childrens needs and they cope well in school then working ft isnt bad. No afterschool setting could cope with my younger children together (both sen) so made sense to go pt to fit around school hours.

Sorry - that last post was to @MillieEpple

The older boy with HFA has no trouble in mainstream settings - he’s one of the ones who wouldn’t have had a diagnosis 30 years ago. He is absolutely autistic and struggles with several things but is extremely articulate and adaptable.

Younger son is the real unknown quantity and whilst the CM has been fab, I’m not certain nursery will go as smoothly.

I don’t want to agree to too much but in reality I can do my current job easily and it’s not very challenging any more.

I work Full time my son is at primary school and has ASD. I’m lucky to have a great employer and worked from home before COVID-19 came along. He is at an independent school though which has longer hours and wrap around care. DH is not able to help me at all with pick ups, appointments or housework as his job is too demanding. I work because I enjoy it, not because I have to and I think this makes a big difference, my job is also not demanding as I gave up my ‘career’ years ago when DS was younger. I still have private healthcare and pay into a pension through work. My wage pays the school fees and for private OT For DS and takes my mind off my problems so it’s win win. I do get very tired though and sometimes find it all a bit demanding but that’s life.

I have DT both with ASD/ADHD in mainstream primary. Both academic and no EHCP but I am finding they are struggling more as the expectation is increasing in KS2. neither can cope with group chiod care settings after masking all day at school as there are then too many transitions in the day. After school nannies are rare beings and tend to be able to pick and choose. My experience is that nannies in general tend not to pick SEN families (there are some that are great with SEN but fewer). I had hoped to increase my hours by now as they are older but for us it is getting harder not easier. Thats not to say it won't work for you but I hadn't realised how much harder mine would find upper primary especially socially.

@Didiplanthis

I have DT both with ASD/ADHD in mainstream primary. Both academic and no EHCP but I am finding they are struggling more as the expectation is increasing in KS2. neither can cope with group chiod care settings after masking all day at school as there are then too many transitions in the day. After school nannies are rare beings and tend to be able to pick and choose. My experience is that nannies in general tend not to pick SEN families (there are some that are great with SEN but fewer). I had hoped to increase my hours by now as they are older but for us it is getting harder not easier. Thats not to say it won't work for you but I hadn't realised how much harder mine would find upper primary especially socially.

That sounds difficult - it really does. I think it will go either way for DS1 - he’s very bored in class because a lot of foundation stuff they’re learning he’s known for ages but gets really interested in the topic work, so I’m hoping more challenging classes will be a positive so we’ll see.

Luckily there are two very good specialist schools nearby if they need to transition one and we have quite a lot of equity so we’d extend our mortgage if private was the only option too although I’d rather it didn’t come to that.