To think this man asked if I'm tired as a put down?

[flythewindmill]

Today I have had an awkward meeting with my boss which required me to stand up for myself and my department following some mistakes that have been made by those above me that my team has uncovered. Not a massive deal as it has been picked up quickly, but could have been, and obviously awkward.

I hate confrontation and have struggled with assertiveness in the past, though it's got better as I've got older. Anyway, today I got my points across I think politely and firmly and boss had to accept what I was saying. At the end, out of the blue he suddenly asked if I was okay and said I looked tired. We have a professional and quite distant relationship, don't work alongside each other or talk to each other in this way.I'm fine and pretty sure I don't look particularly tired.

AIBU and completely paranoid to think he was getting a dig in and trying to put me back down, subtly? It's made me feel a bit shit, but that may be the fact I had built the meeting up in my mind quite a bit!

Well, I wasn't there, and didn't hear the tone, and obviously don't know them but just going on what you've said, I would read that as the boss acknowledging that what you had to present wasn't easy, and that he was showing care for his staff, and acknowledging that.

I know on MN there are some posters that naturally assume every man is out to put them down at every available chance, and there are no doubt some men that do that, but, overwhelmingly I don't find that. I find people are generally well meaning in life, even if they don't always phrase themselves perfectly. I tend to assume people are going to be nice, or are being nice, until they prove otherwise.

I don't see that was what he was implying,no.

Is he a Dr Who fan?

@Waspnest

Is he a Dr Who fan?

Ive seen this used as an undermining tactic many times.

Sounds like he was checking you're okay, in general.

As an academic this has been said to me
by senior male colleagues and also by a horrible male head teacher when I taught in a shit show of a secondary school when they decided I was being an “irrational woman”. It’s nothing to do with care, or genuine concern and everything to do with undermining a female colleague. Usually when they’ve fucked up badly and don’t want to acknowledge it.

Well yes, that comment can definitely be used as a put-down. Only you know if the tone, the timing and his personality make it likely.

The context does suggest it could have been on purpose. And I doubt it would have been used to another man. It’s up there with ‘You’d be so pretty if you smiled, love’ statements. Designed to remind you that your appearance is what’s important, not all this worrying your ditzy lady-head with your bosses’ incompetence. A faux-sympathy comment on how you’re failing at some sexist stereotype of womanhood.

Again, you’d know if he was one to usually show genuine empathy/sympathy, or was someone more prone to sexism in the workplace. I’ve certainly seen both, but more often the latter in places I’ve worked.

I’d probably have answered ‘Why no, my last few days have been very energising, thanks!’ implying that finding his errors might become quite the hobby

100% agree with what @BackforGood said.

I have a boss who does this constantly to put me in my place. I know she is an idiot so dont take it too seriously. And tell her I am fine.

Would be great if you could have said “You’d be so pretty if you smiled, Luv..”. Totally would have shot your self in the foot, but it would have felt great at the time.

Ah I'm glad some people can see where I'm coming from. Yes, sexism is rife in my workplace I'm afraid and in fact, one of the people who caused the problem is an over-promoted man who is almost certainly out of his depth. My team happens to be nearly all women and we get a lot of stick .

I remember when I questioned why I hadn’t been promoted (yet again) for something, and asked why women seemed to be parked at our company. They told me that the guy they promoted instead had a lot more experience with the company. I told them that their reasoning would have held more water if I hadn’t trained him when he started.

Yes, huge amount of examples of women being looked over for promotion here. Took me 10 years to get to this managerial post (I dd have 2 kids but always worked f/t) while so many men sail above after a few years. Many aren't even very good, hence yesterday's issue.

This is such a universal theme it would be the most boring song in the world if it didn’t affect us all so much

What a knob. Would never have said this to a man in a million years. Total power play.

My first thought was Dr Who. And yes, it is intended to be undermining. It’s also fundamentally sexist because, as a PP said, he would never have said that to a man.

I've heard this done by men and women, using faux concern to undermine someone's confidence.

Can I ask about the Dr Who reference? Where did that come from?

Doctor Who reacted furiously to what he saw as cold-blooded murder of the retreating Sycorax spaceship, ordered by the Prime Minister Harriet Jones. He told her that he could bring her down with just six words: "Don't you think she looks tired?"

Thank you @Idontknowhowtohelpher

Would he have said to the man next to you, ‘Bob, you look tired, are you OK?’ Yes? He was well-meaning but awkward. No? Then it was a sexist power play.

Possibly - depends on tone; are you physically at work, or was it zoom?

could be that you were actually stressed and looked tired, given the circumstances - and possibly he misinterpreted stress/tiredness or felt uncomfortable asking directly about stress/MH

Have you started wearing less makeup in lockdown? Not saying you should have to wear makeup for work, but end result is that you look different from how you used to, which he interpreted as tired.

We were live in the office - socially distanced of course. I would never go to work without make- up on, which I suppose is quite sad really. I'm pretty sure, based on other stuff that has happened, that this man doesn't give a stuff about my mental health, so this was either a throw away remark or a put down.

I changed my foundation once and my boss took me aside and said he was concerned I had Jaundice and was I drinking too much at the weekends. 😮🤣