AIBU to not stay with my mum?

[Cheeseistheanswer]

NC as some details are outing but longtime poster on here. Posting in AIBU for traffic as I don’t really think I am BU but am just really upset.

My DH and DS and I are moving out of our house next week. Because of Covid, it took us bloody ages to sell our house so we decided to break the chain and stay in temp accommodation before our new house is ready. Our buyer has mucked us about a bit and we thought we could easily find somewhere to stay for 3-4 weeks.

My DM offered to have us stay in her property. She has two self contained guest annexe that she rents out. It’s far from our childminder but we could sort out local childcare easily enough. However, next door to the annexe that we would be staying in lives my brother. He has a long history of severe mental illness, and he was only meant to be living there temporarily when he broke up from his girlfriend. 3 years on he’s still there, and no paying any room or board. We don’t particularly get on as he is verbally abusive to my mum and often breaks/smashes things after drinking but I have tolerated him for my mums sake as she always begs me to do.

I spoke to him on the phone earlier as I was asking about a spare key. Turns out, lockdown has made him isolated and really quite unhinged. He believes several conspiracy theories about Covid, won’t wear a mask and worse of all is really awfully racist. He seems to have focused all his anger on refugees and the BLM movement and said some truly awful things to me on the phone. I told him I won’t hear them and I won’t for a second stay at the annexe or have my young child hear them.

My DM is devastated we won’t be staying. She keeps sending me texts pleading and saying that she will talk to him and make sure he doesn’t say anything in front of my son. I have a good relationship with her but it always suffers because of my brother and she puts him first over me and now my child.

I am so upset. I grew up with my brother’s anger and violence and I am determined not to have my DS experience the same. AIBU?

You're an adult. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. Just say no!

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't have my child anywhere near your brother. Tell your mother the answer is no and the dicussion is now closed.

Imo you should be grateful you have good mh and an independent life.
Your db will never have those things going by your post.
You have a dc - would you abandon them in the future if they end up like db?
I applaud your dm for continuing to be a dm and support her dc.
Shame you can't support both of them..

YANBU
Your mother makes her choices, you get to make your choices.

It is very difficult to be the mother of an adult child with mental illness.

YANBU
My dad is similar to your brother (although depression and anxiety are the only mh conditions I’m aware of) in that he is awfully racist, believes everything he reads on the Daily Mail and isn’t afraid to voice his awful opinions.
I’ve gone extremely low contact with him now before we have children as I don’t want him having any contact at all with them when I do

@ Sunnydaysandsalad op says clearly he was abusive in the past and doesn’t want him near her dc, I’d imagine a grown man ranting and raving would be quite terrifying for a young child
Yanbu in the slightest op, stick to your guns

I have supported him for years. But he won’t get help and he now firmly believes there’s nothing wrong with him. My DM won’t get him help by force (sectioning) because he wants to work with children “some day” and she is terrified of being sectioned showing up on his record. Mental health crisis team lost his notes and both she and I have paid thousands for private care for him. But he just won’t listen.

I guess what I’m most struggling with is the racism. Because I can support him through depression/anxiety/anger even but the racism is just so awful and the things he’s saying he could actually get arrested for.

@MrsSiriusBlack1

@ Sunnydaysandsalad op says clearly he was abusive in the past and doesn’t want him near her dc, I’d imagine a grown man ranting and raving would be quite terrifying for a young child Yanbu in the slightest op, stick to your guns

Thank you, that’s exactly it. He drinks too and then gets angry/violent and smashes things like photos and bottles. Our DS would hear it (it’s next door) and that’s what I am most afraid of. But my DM keeps phoning and saying she can talk him into “behaving”.

It's really hard to know how much people should be held accountable for poor behaviour driven by a severe mental illness.

And hard to know how much and how best to help people. Particularly frustrating if they don't seem to be engaged in trying to improve their own health.

I can see that it's seems like your mother is giving your brother preferential treatment. I don't think that's necessarily the case, I think it's perhaps more about his need being perceived as greater at this time.

Definitely not being unreasonable! I wouldn’t want to expose my kids to a racist either.

MH issues don’t necessarily mean he can’t work with children and tbh even if it did he clearly needs some form of support so don’t allow that to become an excuse.

I think you’d be best to support your DM to support him from a distance in this scenario. Maybe your DM hasn’t realised how far things have slipped

Yanbu. I feel dreadfully sorry for both you and your dm, but you are absolutely right to stay away. And as painful as the situation is for your dm, she is not helping your brother by allowing this to continue, she is only damaging the relationship she has with you.

@Sunnydaysandsalad

Imo you should be grateful you have good mh and an independent life. Your db will never have those things going by your post. You have a dc - would you abandon them in the future if they end up like db? I applaud your dm for continuing to be a dm and support her dc. Shame you can't support both of them..

Nope.

OP is being a good mother, the guy is drinking and smashing things up. I have sympathy for people suffering with MH problems but unconditional enabling is not mandatory.

@Sunnydaysandsalad

Imo you should be grateful you have good mh and an independent life.
Your db will never have those things going by your post.
You have a dc - would you abandon them in the future if they end up like db?
I applaud your dm for continuing to be a dm and support her dc.
Shame you can't support both of them..

Her DB won't have good mental health because he refuses to acknowledge there is anything wrong. So why should the OP subject herself and her child to his anger and violence and add too that his racist views (YABU). OP, YANBU.

@Sunnydaysandsalad

Imo you should be grateful you have good mh and an independent life. Your db will never have those things going by your post. You have a dc - would you abandon them in the future if they end up like db? I applaud your dm for continuing to be a dm and support her dc. Shame you can't support both of them..

Did this post touch a personal sore spot, @Sunnydaysandsalad, or are you just generally a bit of a bully?

OP hasn't 'abandoned' anyone, and her DC isn't racist and violent, so you're setting up a sham of a straw man argument here, which is especially crappy since OP's already said she's feeling really upset.

Honestly thank you all so, so much for the responses. It’s really helped me calm down.
(Even the pointed one about not supporting my brother .)

I just spoke to my DM. She’s really crying and very upset and is saying she needs to get him sectioned. I think by me saying I felt unsafe with him there something might have clicked for her and she’s realised how bad it has become.
Going to post now in MH section as I think it might be best.