To ask how to cope with the anxiety of dealing with stbxh during divorce

[ncdtoday123]

I've nc'd so this isn't tied to my other posts, but long time MNetter (thank you for the absolutely amazing support I've received on here, which gave me the confidence I needed to LTB)

I'm having to speak to STBXH directly again as money for lawyers has run out and we're trying to get things finished off.

I know it must seem difficult to understand now I've been separated from him for a while, but as soon as I see his name pop up on my phone or hear his voice, all my anxiety symptoms come back in full force.

I'd come a long way from the constant panic attacks I was having towards the end and in the months after I left him, before it eased off. He was very EA and controlling/coercive and it caused me to have terrible anxiety. I had a lot of therapy and was doing well - I had completely stopped having panic attacks.

Since I heard from him last week, I've been mostly stuck in the loo with (anxiety) IBS, I feel like I'm going to throw up, my hands are shaking and I've got this dropping/contorting feeling in my stomach all the time.

I thought I'd overcome all this, but now I'm having to deal with him again, it's back in full force. Can anyone who's experienced an abusive person having this effect on them give me any tips or encouragement at all? I thought I'd beaten the effect he has on me, but I'm ashamed at what he's reduced me to all over again.

Bump...anyone?!

When dealing with my exh I had his name as something very disrespectful in my phone. Whenever he rang I felt smug he couldn't see it!
Helped me separate the twat he had become from the man I married..
Worked for me!!

That sounds really horrid, especially as you were making good progress.
Can you rename his entry in your contacts' list to something that will make you laugh when you see it? Comic relief and all that?

Definitely change his name to something else in your phone as previously mentioned - re-frame him as something ridiculous

I second a nickname and horrible pic - mine is Worzel Gummidge.

Try and do as much as you can, if not all, by text/email. Then you can choose when to open them, read at your leisure (wrong word but ykwim), consider your response and reply when you're ready. This will help you to detach as much as you can from the situation. Plus it gives you some power back.

Also, it means you can ignore any of his shit that doesn't need a response. Having everything written down means it is documented in case of further dispute.

How far in are you/how much is still to do?

I know this sounds a bit naff, but try and think about how far you've come in your own 'journey' bleurgh each time you need to communicate with him. You will have already come so far, even if it feels like fairy steps up a fucking mountain, and every step is further towards a better future. (I can't believe I just wrote all that, but it's true, ten years after my divorce I wish someone had told me that!)

Thank you so much everyone who's replied! I'm thinking about making a new email address that's not logged in on my phone so I don't unexpectedly see notifications from him.

Maybe title his emails as:
From Him Who Will Be Fucking Ignored..

I had the same reaction as you OP...it was a living nightmare tbh.
I would have the same reaction even if I saw his name in an email or if the Solicitor used his name let alone direct contact...which I actually managed to stop after he attacked me and the Police were called and he was cautioned...bad for him in his line of work.

Actually the going No Contact was the biggest help of all...as it was the only way to avoid the extreme anxiety reactions as you describe.

I got a new phone number and gave it out to only 4 people(my closest friends). I put the other sim card in an old phone and switched the messaging feature off so no one could leave any messages. I also started switching it off and would check it once a fortnight. He did not know that I had a new number.

I also switched off the voicemail on my new number so no one could leave voicemails on that either because I was in such a state of anxiety all the time that the ringer became a trigger and the only way to stop it was basically to avoid the triggers.

I told my 4 friends to text me and I would ring them as the phone ringing was enough to set me off with extreme anxiety so I them put it on silent for months...I now have it on vibrate only and it's 8years down the line.

I set up a totally different email address with a different provider that became my main email and never linked my email to my phone or macbook.
I have to go to e.g. yahoo login or Microsoft sign in if I want to check my emails.
Eventually I was able to delete the email account that he had details of after all the divorce and financials were settled and we have had no contact in 8years. We were in separate rooms in the Court Building so did not see him.

It was like taking back control of my life piece by piece.

I moved to a secure apartment and have never given my address to any of his known friends or associates.

Oh and the first thing I did was change my name by deed poll back to maiden name even before we divorced because even writing his surname was a trigger!...this helped me to separate mentally from him in a lot of ways.

It won't go away over night but bit by bit you will feel better if you actually begin to put your own emotional and physical well being first and foremost