MIL issues

[Dennysheart]

Relationship with MIL has been rocky (though I’m not sure the passive aggressive cow is aware just how much I don’t like her). Her husband died when my dh was 20 but he’d been sick for a while so it was her and her sons. She treated my dh as a surrogate husband for a while.

When I met my dh she’d have a tendency to ignore me and talk to my husband and offer him food and drink but not me. When we had kids, she brought things for my husband and eldest child but not the new baby. She’d ask husband about the kids when we were there but not me. Dh’s way of dealing with this was going low contact with his mother. She’d play the victim and start crying like she has done previously about his relationship with his brother (his brother doesn’t bother with us at all and although we’ve tried to meet up he’d cancel). We have children with Sen and life has been hard. She’s well aware of this. She cannot come and see without her boyfriend (he used to work weekends so we’d invite her down as we thought she’d be at a lose end - she never came). He’s quite rude and when we see him he doesn’t make any conversation and will play on his phone.

The last time we saw them was the last straw. She’d met up with her other son (the one she’s so upset my dh doesn’t have a better relationship with - nothing has happened but my BIL is incredibly selfish). They met in a town near us and went for lunch. No invite even though he hasn’t seen the kids in two years. MIL says he finds the kids too much. Fair enough. But I’d have let the older two (early teens) go as they’re easy going.

Last time she came down she went on about her boyfriend’s grandkids, about what the DIL had bought her for Christmas and hadn’t we bought her another coat one year.

I’ve put up with her and my dh never doing anything about her for years now. I’m fucked off with it. I’ve suggested he takes the older two (they’re early teens and aren’t that interested in their grandma now), youngest has more complex needs. But he won’t ever see her without me as “she might get upset and think you don’t like her”. I don’t!

Any advice? I’m non confrontational as when I voiced my views when I was a child I was frozen out and ignored and it has made me very wary of confrontation. My dh however is happy to confront issues, unless it comes down to his mother.

Any advice please?

Just don't bother with her?

Why are you wasting your time trying to force a relationship with this horrible woman. Even your husband seems to know what she’s like. Just leave her to her own devices and concentrate on your lovely kids. I wouldn’t bother setting my foot over her door and tell your husband why. If he decides to see her, that’s up to him, but hopefully he’ll have the strength to distance himself from her and concentrate on his wife and children.

I meant to add, your doing your kids no favours trying to get her to accept them as each time they see her, they’ll pick up on her lack of interest. That’s not healthy for them.

So he won't see her without you? Sounds ideal. You just don't go and everyone's a winner.

I don't think that she was obliged to take your children. I don't see the point if you aren't having contact with their Uncle. It will just be something else to explain to them and thet don't need to be aware of the issues.

Your DH should have asked her outright why she brings her Partner, is he controlling?

I don't understand the bit about her DP's GC. But it sounds as though you need to be very LC and stop trying to change what can't be changed.

@AfterSchoolWorry

Just don't bother with her?

This. Why are you giving her so much space in your head? Is she paying rent or something?

She’s your husband’s mother, not yours. Let him visit her and take the children or not, as he sees fit. If he worries she’ll think you don’t like her he’s right, you don’t. Since you know she doesn’t like you, why does it matter if you don’t like her?

He’s not overly interested in making an effort. They always seem to come here as they’re dropping in before visiting an elderly relative locally. My husband uses my issues with her to have gone low contact but I’ve said before he can see her as much as he wants, I don’t want to be part of it. The last time she came here the kids didn’t want to come down from their rooms and I don’t see why I should facilitate a relationship.

Is it rude when she’s here to not be in the room? On one visit I barely said anything as I couldn’t be the one who actually made conversation.

Brought up as a people pleaser as I have a parent who massively cares about what people think. Even people who don’t deserve the headspace and probably didn’t give us much thought. So I get it from this particular parent that I should make an effort with difficult MIL for sake of my husband despite said parent having a very difficult MiL as well. I find it hard to be rude but I’m starting to feel like I need to be.

As a fellow (ex) people pleaser I understand how hard this is. I've been with DP 11 years, and can't stand either of his parents. It's a bit different for me as I'm 52, his parents are 71 and DP is 50 soon. So no grandchildren making it necessary (even though it really isn't) for me to have contact with them. I tried for the first 6 years to have some sort of relationship with his parents, but after a incident where DP's father made it clear that he saw both myself and DP as stupid children and he could not only ignore our wishes but completely run roughshod over them, I went NC and have not seen either of them in about 5 or 6 years.

Do I 100% not care anymore? Nope, I'd say about 99%. I think there will always be a tiny bit of me that feels sad - and a bit guilty - about the fact I have no relationship with them. But I just remind myself that it's not compulsory to see in-laws. I do envy people who have excellent relationships with their PILs, but it's not always possible. I also remember that most of DP's father's relatives have also gone NC with him as they are also sick of his narcissism and control issues.

Next time your husband says "You don't like my parents" I'd agree. Be honest with him. Point out that why would you like people who have made it crystal clear they don't like you?

That should be "you don't like my mother", not parents.