Is putting your own happiness first selfish?

[Query45]

Providing I’m not being malicious or intentionally hurtful, is it so bad of me to always put myself first? (I would not put myself before any dependent children).

I’m finding myself feeling resentful that for the majority of my life I haven’t put myself first and have been doing what others want. And now that I am contemplating changing this, I feel that I am being made to feel bad/guilty for doing so by certain people. I almost feel like I am responsible for others happiness and it’s making me unhappy.

I do not want to live the life of a martyr as I have seen with people I know, but if I really and truly put myself and my happiness as my number one priority above everything else, is that selfish of me? I’m talking changing so many things in my life that will really only be of benefit to me and my children and make me significantly happier?

I've made some huge sacrifices in my life but they have predominantly been for my dc and I don't regret any of them.
The ones I made during my first marriage I deeply regret, some were life altering but I'm very much a 'look forward, not back' kind of person and I see no benefit of mulling over and regretting the past.

I am terrible at putting myself first but at 48 it's who I am and I have two lovely, well rounded older dc, who I have a fantastic relationship with, so I'm very much at peace with myself!

And no, putting yourself first wouldn't be selfish! Is there anything particular you want to do?

I suppose by definition it's selfish but that doesn't necessarily make it the wrong thing to do. We are only human and there has to be a balance between being selfish for self preservation and being a ground down martyr who always puts others first

It's all about balance. Always putting your desires above everyone else's no matter how much that hurts other people is selfish. Putting yourself first sometimes and being willing to compromise on other things, so that everyone has a fair balance, isn't selfish at all.

Someone on here gave me advice a while ago. She said that every time you try to create boundaries for yourself, people will always push back. Eventually they'll leave you to it, but you just have to be clear about the boundaries you are putting in place.

Like you say, obviously this doesn't really apply to children you are raising, but definitely to people outside your immediate family.

I definitely, now put my own family and myself above other people's needs, to a point. Obviously if it was like...my dad had broken his leg and I could either go and take him his dinner or take my kids to their activities, I'd go and look after my dad and let someone else take the kids.

I think it’s important to put yourself first now and again. Self care is priority in some cases, especially when you have children relying on you. Remember it’s your life and you can live it how you want to so do what makes you happy.

Thinking about it more...I honestly don't think it's easy to decide to always put yourself first and that be that. The more I think about it, the more scenarios I can imagine where you probably wouldn't put yourself first.

Can you be more specific?

Is it selfish? Well yes, that's the definition of selfish. Is it always bad to be selfish? Not always, depends on the impact on others.

@dontdisturbmenow

Is it selfish? Well yes, that's the definition of selfish. Is it always bad to be selfish? Not always, depends on the impact on others.

Yes, this^^ I think.

I think by definition it is selfish.
However, by always putting the happiness and interests of others first, you end up totally drained, sucked dry, especially if all or most of them put their own interests/ happiness first so no-one at all is looking out for you.

What is really selfish and rarely well reviewed isx when it is imposed at a specific time.

What you see as you having put up with things unselfishly until now is likely not to be seen as such by others because it was normality, so to suddenly say 'no more', now you adapt to suit me' won't go down well because you chose to be selfless they don't have that choice.

It’s depends on the impacts to others. If it would affect my DH or DC then I’d very likely not make any selfish decisions. Context and situation is everything.

It’s a balance. Putting yourself first to gain an advantage at the detriment of others is selfish, putting yourself first when all things are equal is fine as long as you accept that it’s okay to sometimes let others do the same.

I think it has to be balanced and depends who it effects; I put the happiness of my family (me, DC and DH) above the happiness of my wider family. I’ve made some big sacrifices for DH (DC too but no more than any other mother) and I hope he would do the same for me.
I’d like to retrain at some point which will involve some financial sacrifices but I believe that’s fair whereas I wouldn’t expect DH and DC to move half way across the world for me (for example) as I think that’d be too much to expect.

For you to be able to give the best of yourself, you need to be in a stable place and that means making sure you have self care. So no, I don’t think it can be considered selfish - I think it’s a necessity to be able to do the best for your loved ones.

Prioritising yourself isn’t always selfish. Often, it is necessary for your own happiness. So what if it is selfish anyway?
You’ve already said it’s not malicious or hurtful and wouldn’t do it over dependent children. It’s fine.

To add, never putting yourself first can be incredibly frustrating to others. My mum is a person who claims she never wants to put people out. For instance she’ll completely refuse to pick a place, or even a time, to eat when we’re out even though I know she’s quite fussy about food and gets low blood sugar dizzy spells. I try to chose places I think she’ll like, but more often than not she’ll order something like a side salad because she can’t find anything she wants on the menu, but claims she’s not very hungry, then spends the rest of the day nibbling on energy bars she’s brought with her because she’s starving and dizzy. This kind of “not being selfish” is really the exact opposite and leaves the “selfish” person in a horrible position.

You cant please everyone so focus on pleasing yourself.

I have no problem with this.

People might let you know they don't like your choices and they are free to do this. But you are in charge of your own life and you only get one.

BarkandCheese , that is my father you just described. He will pick the portion that is everybody else's favourite because in his mind it's not as nice as the other one and he just can't get his head round the thought that everybody might not be the same as him. So he will eat the drumstick or the nicely browned chop or the crisp biscuit and feel innocently happy because he's making a sacrifice, leaving the rest of us a) with our least preferred option b) having to be grateful about it. These days we call him on it.

My best friend's mum is like the mum and dad described by pps^^. It has become a running joke, but things like taking her our for a meal as a treat for her birthday etc are a total pain in the hole because of it. She barely eats in restaurants, as she won't order what she actually likes and she won't send back food she dislikes. Drives my friend round the bend with it!

Victor Frankl - survivor of 3 concentration camps and last of the great Viennese psychotherapists - posits the idea that happiness does not come from getting what we want but of being part of something greater than ourselves. Belonging / having a purpose makes us far happier that the very simplistic idea of 'putting ourselves first'. He specifically says fulfilment in life does not come from asking 'what we can expect from life but what life expects of us'.
I'm in my mid forties and, despite some pretty difficult experiences / circumstances in life, I can honestly say I'm pretty happy most of the time. I have long felt that superficial goals just don't sustain us.
On the flip side, of the addicts I have known in my life ( my Dh's entire family and a number of friends) I notice that they always seem to be really self-focussed. One of the main principles of addiction therapy centres the need to 'serve'. Putting others / a greater group first can be very rewarding.
So balance is a very important thing. Setting personal boundaries is essential but fretting about whether we are putting ourselves first enough? Meh, I don't worry too much about that.

I suppose it depends on the balance. Eg I inconvenienced myself by changing some booked leave so a colleague that needed it could have it. Partly because I know they'd do the same for me, partly because their need was greater than mine. But I wouldn't have if it meant disappointing dc, missing out on something that couldn't be rearranged, for a different colleague etc

Ugh my mum is the same as pps have mentioned and it's bloody infuriating! The trouble is she's been a martyr so long but now she's getting older she's getting resentful of it. But instead of putting her needs first and setting some boundaries (impossible for her) she's taken to bitching and moaning about the people she lets walk over her. It drove me mad all my life and I've probably gone too far the other way as a result. I put myself first a LOT. I'm a nice person (I swear!) and I've made huge sacrifices for my Dc and my husband but I feel that's enough now. They can all piss off and take a back seat being selfish doesn't make me feel guilt as I balance it. Honestly I'd prefer to be considered selfish than a weak minded fool who won't assert their needs/wants. Especially as a woman.