If your parents divorced as a child, does it still bother you now?

[positivelycatastrophic]

I’m not sure if it’s the exact circumstances of their divorce (which was very traumatic - involving foster care and all sorts) or if it was their marriage ... both have cited domestic violence and mother claims father was sexually violent/abusive . Both had very chaotic childhoods and their marriage wasn’t a good idea, I think both would have married the first person that said they loved them iyswim .

I’m 29 now, they divorced in 1990s when I was six years old but it still hurts me now .

You’d think as an adult I’d ‘forget’ but something will remind me sometimes - my dad didn’t have the nerve to tell my mum, he told me, and every so often I remember that sickening feeling when he told me he didn’t love my mum and he was going . I was six but I had to comfort my mum .

I’ve never yet spoken in detail to anyone at all . Social services tried to talk to me when
I was 7 or so - I still have a workbook they gave me ... and my aunt tried to talk to me a few years ago but I clammed up .

Something has reminded me recently, I have to go and see a relative I haven’t visited since they divorced (his mother) and I’m terrified . I’ve physically shut away anything that reminds me of it and I’m scared by seeing his mum, my grandmother, that I will remember too much and not be able to cope.

It’s not that I haven’t seen her since 1997, we have met up but I’ve not been in her house since the divorce and I’m just scared . The last time I was in her house, that afternoon was when my dad told me he was leaving . That was the day he left .

Gran has Alzheimer’s so she won’t remember. My mum doesn’t remember/can’t discuss it . My sibling was too young . My dad is a bit of a no go . I feel completely alone in my worry and bad memories, but I feel so selfish for being worried iyswim .

I keep thinking I should text my aunt, but I don’t want to be a burden and I think she thinks I’m being daft already for having not visited my gran before ... its a different house which will help but I feel sick just thinking about the past ... and think I’m being totally U for feeling that way !

When I was younger I bottled it up but as I get (much)older I think about the traumatic episodes more and more. You had a terrible time at a very young age. You should definitely get some counselling now as an adult, and you are still a young adult so it will benefit you greatly long term. You should ring your aunt and talk it through. I have nobody to talk to it about and would love to have an aunt still alive so if she is a supportive listener then you’re lucky to have her. Of course you’re not being selfish, you need to look after your own needs first as no one else will.

Nope I was much happier when they separated. Home life was calm and happy. Best decision my mum made.

Yes. I'm 60. 48 years ago.

Yes even though they are both dead , I long for the horrible, violent acrimonious divorce never to have happened/ I was 7.

Can’t say it bothers me at all, I barely noticed at the time tbh, I was 6/7. It sounds like your situation is still causing you a lot of stress though do worth talking about with a friend/counsellor.

If wasn’t there divorce that was traumatic it was your parents behaviour. You dad was sharing very inappropriate information with you and he is out of order for doing that. My mum did that a lot with me when I was a child. Children shouldn’t have to deal with that kind of information they can not process it properly.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 2 so I don’t remember it but my mother had a terrible child hood and was a train wreck and I’d be privy to information about her boyfriend and I too knew that my mum was going to split up with my step dad before he did. She used to tell me that her punched her in the face or tried to stab her then I’d have to sit in the living room with them both.

I went to see a psychiatrist and tbh I think my issues from my terrible parents were too deep so I did a lot of self help. There are a lot of books out there for people who had shit parents. The psychiatrist gave me a very helpful ‘self help tool’ and I’d say it really helped too. She told me to imagine myself back at the ages when stuff happened and then to imagine myself as me now intervening and either sticking up for me or holding my hand and taking me away from the situation. I know it sounds weird but honestly it did seem to work and after a while thought thoughts mainly stopped popping back.

In your head that young girl is still frightened and you need to unpick that with a professional. That’s your truth. If you speak to your auntie she may have a very different memory of it than you which could be helpful or confuse you more, so be careful of that.

But do see some one about it and do some work on healing that little girl.

Good luck

I think about it more and more as I get older, and I guess it’s because now I have my own children. It frustrates me that they chose to bring children into the world when 1. They were so volatile and incompatible and 2. So incapable and unwilling to actually parent.

I haven't been through this but I still think of the things that happened in my childhood that affected me.

Your dad doing that was awful, so unfair and irresponsible. I wonder in some way if you feel somehow responsible and are carrying the weight of it as you had to tell your mum? I think counselling could really help.

Not at all. My mum was amazing, I had a wonderful childhood. Divorcing my dad was the best thing she ever did. The only issue I’ve ever encountered is other people’s assumption that I have issues because my parents are divorced, when in fact I have none.

No. I was a teenager and they never got on. I wish they'd done it sooner. Both had happy second marriages.

I feel the same as some of you. I had a terrible time due to my partners behaviour and wished they’d divorced when I was small. I had to carry their toxic marriage on my shoulders and almost parent them in a way. I never recovered from that, I just block it out. I like the suggestions you were given from Cheza. I’ve been told by a friend to write a letter to each parent detailing all my memories and feelings from a young age to now so I can finally let it free, but burn the letter and let it go. It’s a difficult position to be in and I find it unforgivable that adults involve their children at all, whether 5 or 40 it’s still hurtful and upsetting. Remember that by holding on to it you are trapping yourself, you deserve to be happy and free from the past. guilt and grudges are punishments to ourselves for others’ decisions and wrong doings

parents not partners