I’m after some advice.
I don’t feel like I can speak to my partner about this because overall he shrugs things off. We laughed about this the last time I spoke to him. I don’t want to go into the details of having an unsupportive partner. I can see where his attitude stems from... his parents are the same. I just need someone to speak to and I can’t seem to get an appointment with a GP. Overall he’s really supportive in other aspects of my life just as long as it’s in line with him and I think he does it unknowingly. He’s caring beyond belief in certain ways and in other ways I feel completely starved of support.
I suffer from OCD.
I think there is a common misconception about OCD. Most people I know automatically assume it’s got to do with cleaning.
For me that’s just a part of it. And actually I can be lazy in terms of cleaning. Overall I love it and it gives me a sense of stability but I know it’s a false sense of security.
When it comes to germs and cleaning, I struggle to cope with unclean things I consider foreign. As in if I’m not comfortable with you. I’m comfortable with my kids and their germs And dirt because they are mine and therefore they are part of my comfort zone. My partner on the other hand is classed as foreign and outside of my comfort zone.
Visitors, friends and family are all outside of my comfort zone so if those people used the bathroom I won’t use it until I’ve cleaned it fully.
That’s a glimpse of the cleaning part.
There are other things, rules and regulations in my head that make me feel comfortable.
Things need to go in their places such as toys, the bedding has to be done in a certain way, shoes in a certain order, don’t use my things if you’re not my child. Though it’s not obvious. I’ll just quietly re do the bedding, clean the taps you touched, disinfect the loo you used etc .
I’m okay with my mess (though I barely mess things up) but your mess makes me panic.
I can’t begin to explain how much of a mess my internal thoughts are.
Recently I’ve taken on the thought process that there is something wrong with me and I’m going to die. It started slowly but I was able to shake it off. But now it’s caught up with me, especially since I’m hitting a big birthday.
I can’t stop thinking there is something seriously wrong with my health.
Overall I’m what you would call skinny fat. I appear thin and according to my BMI I’m very underweight. Yet I have rolls of fat on me. I’m small but very jelly. That doesn’t bother me. But then it does. The thought of, well what if this fat means I have excess fat stuck to my internal organs?
And then there’s the pre disposed disease I’m always worried about. My parents have diabetes, gum disease, hard bloated stomachs, in our family history of Alzheimer’s, stroke, heart disease etc and I constantly think I’ve got one or more of those.
I do smoke, so I’m constantly scared of any cancer you can think of. I have recurring migraines and tension headaches... I’m googling brain tumor late at night.
I actually eat really well. Smoking is the bad habit I have. I’m working on giving this up but then I come across an article that read ‘there is a high rate of cancer amongst smokers who gave up smoking’ and then I begin to despair again.
Any slight change in my body scares me.
I have hot flushes during my period and I’m convinced It maybe a sign of cervical cancer or early menopause.
I feel like I’m going to completely breakdown.
I feel overwhelmed with these thoughts. I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts.
My body is changing the older I get and it’s having a really bad impact on my mental health.
I do have a therapist but I haven’t bothered speaking to her about this because she will dismiss it in the same way my partner does. I spoke to her yesterday about a concern I had with my body and she dismissed it as nothing.
I don’t know where to go or what to do.
I’m afraid that if I speak to someone about it they will say ‘give up smoking’. I get that this will help my health but once it’s gone the thoughts of there being something seriously wrong with me, I know, won’t go away.
I know I have really bad anxiety but I’m also concerned I might be suppressing depression.
The cleaning helps me to be a person that gets up in the morning and has a can do attitude, but once that’s done I feel empty. I think what’s next? And I realise I don’t feel like I have a purpose in life.
I have kids, and yes they are my purpose at the moment but when they’re grown , and the house doesn’t need to be cleaned as much, I don’t actually know what I’m going to do and it’s then I feel like it will all catch up with me.
One of my thoughts today which was a new thought was ‘now that I eat well and have everything I could want, what is the purpose of my existence?’ And the answer is that I don’t know.
I have to point out I am not suicidal just really overwhelmed.
I don’t find joy in many things I used to find joy in.
And when I think about it, I find a lot of joy in smoking, it makes me happy but I know that’s going to be gone soon. (Benefit of ocd is when I decide I’m going to do something like stopping smoking I can do it, it’s not hard, it’s thanks to being obsessive).
I feel like every bit of happiness I have in my life has been destroyed. Every major milestone I was excited for has been and gone.
We are due to go away on a amazing and expensive trip sometime soon and I don’t care for it. I don’t really know the area we are visiting and I don’t know the exact dates and I don’t know where we are staying. I’m not excited for it . I’m not excited for Christmas. I’m not excited for the things I used to be.
I’m just focusing on death right now.
My head is a horrible mess.
I’m a very jokey person but I know that’s there just to hide the fact that I’m so messed up. I laugh to forget. I joke to disguise. I point out your flaws to forget mine.
I do my best though to be a good mum. I’m good at it though I could be a lot better.
But overall I am a failure in life. And right now I’m focusing on thinking there is something seriously wrong with me.