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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to approach this

18 replies

mumto2boys1315 · 19/08/2020 19:33

My DH has 2children with his ex, and we have 2children together, his 2children - my step children live with their mum and come to us at weekends... Well the younger of the two has been staying with us for about 3/4 weeks now and has more or less said would like to stay with us permanently and just got to mums house every 2nd weekend....DH and I did not see this coming, and we said to have a think about it before making any rational decision, however every day since was brought up, it's still said DC wants to stay with us, so Monday evening my DH went to see his ex and inform her of DCs choice wanting to stay with us permanently.... Ex was taken aback and very shocked and wanted to know why/ had she done something wrong for this to come out the blue....anyway Ex has now said nothing can is happening until all sit down and talk, so my DH has asked if could talk at weekend as she's working, off at Weekend.... She said will sort something sometime, needs to sort her head around this....I get that I do, but at same time, surely as a mother you'd want to know and try sort something out sooner rather than later. DC has been with us these past few weeks as we hadn't seen during lockdown for reasons in relation to covid, DC was meant to go back to mums the other evening but asked if could stay longer and said to mum which she agreed too as was working all week so older Child who's 17 would have to look after DC who is turning 13 in a few months.
How would you approach this subject?

OP posts:
RiteAid · 19/08/2020 19:42

She’s not unreasonable to want some time to come to terms with a huge change.

BlueSlice · 19/08/2020 19:44

Totally agree with @RiteAid

Brightblueeyes20 · 19/08/2020 19:51

We know she's not, as a mother I'd be the same and taken aback if was any of my DC. What I should have asked was do we just leave it for now and see what comes from it? It's a situation that neither my DH or his Ex thought would happen. But DC is adament she's staying with us.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/08/2020 22:38

Name change fail OP

DC doesn't get to be 'adamant they are staying'. This is a conversation for DH & the mum to have at a mutually agreeable time.

Can't see how hard that is to see.

eveningfalls · 19/08/2020 23:26

I would not rush this at all.If the child has been staying with you and their father for the last 3-4 weeks, it just might be a passing phase or the novelty, give it more time and push back to the usual routine. If the want persists a few months from now, then talk about it. I can imagine how difficult that would be to hear as a mother.

EscapingFromWorkStress · 20/08/2020 02:41

How old is the DC that wants to stay with you, am I right in reading they are 13? If it went down a legal route their wishes would be taken into consideration as at 13 they are generally seen as having the ability to make that choice. My DS is 13 and we have made it clear on both sides that its his choice who he lives with. We will chat with him to make sure he has thought it through, but make it an enabling experience for him.

It reads to me that the question isnt so much that you DSC can't live with you, on a practical perspective it should work, but DSC mother coming to terms with it.

Now I understand that all families are different and this may not work for you but in a similar situation i would organise the sit down with all parties and talk it through. Did your DSC speak to their mum before coming to this decision.

Mum is in shock by the sound of things and needs reassurance that she is not a bad parent. The delay in addeessing it may come out of the fear of having this question answered or dealing with her emotions on this, the empathetic, supportive approach may work better than the practical "we have to sort this", not easy with ex's i know but has built a lot of bridges between me and my ex in the past to enable us to move forward with these such issues.

positivepixie · 20/08/2020 06:21

Agree with mum a reasonable time period for everyone to have a think, be upfront with the child that it’s a big decision and that you will keep the trial going until mid September or whatever the time period is (be interesting to see if they feel the same way when the school routine starts). As long as you’re ok with the potential move and you have the space, I’d leave DH and mum to lead the process.

AppleCrumbleCake · 20/08/2020 06:52

Are you/your DH at home (or work from home) during the week? Sounds like the childs mother works. Could this perhaps be influencing their decision. If so, I'd be mindful they might change their mind once back in the school routine.
I think give her DM a bit of time then get together to discuss but make it clear that it doesn't need to be a permanent arrangement

Velvian · 20/08/2020 07:05

Do your dsc come to you every weekend? That seems very unfair and could have influenced this.

Their mum has all the drudgery, childcare costs (historically?) , getting them to school, working, the boredom during lockdown. Does she get any down time with the kids or is the downtime all your DH's?

morosetinkler · 20/08/2020 07:19

@Velvian

Do your dsc come to you every weekend? That seems very unfair and could have influenced this.

Their mum has all the drudgery, childcare costs (historically?) , getting them to school, working, the boredom during lockdown. Does she get any down time with the kids or is the downtime all your DH's?

this. Every weekend is very unfair.
lunar1 · 20/08/2020 07:24

You seriously think it's unreasonable for the mum to want a few days to get her head round this?

What did you expect? For here to pop upstairs and pack up her child's life there and then?

Orchidsindoors · 20/08/2020 07:31

You dont approach it at all Its up to the Mum and Dad

Angelina82 · 20/08/2020 08:34

Wow I can’t believe you think the kid’s mum wanting a few days to get her head around this is asking too much. Why are you in such a rush to get your claws into her daughter OP? Handy little babysitter for your kids is she?

Arrivederla · 20/08/2020 08:37

That's a really nasty post Angelina. I have reported it.

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 20/08/2020 08:39

I don't think the mum is being unreasonable, it's a huge change. I can't honestly see why you'd even question it at all...

NameChange84 · 20/08/2020 08:43

The poor mother. I’d be heartbroken. I agree her not getting to have her children at the weekend for the “fun” stuff and downtime has probably influenced the decision. I think YABU and a little insensitive. It’s perfectly normal to need a few days to process this.

Angelina82 · 20/08/2020 08:57

That's a really nasty post Angelina. I have reported it.

As nasty as the insensitivity shown by OP towards a fellow mother do you think?

BlueSlice · 20/08/2020 13:17

That’s quite a cruel leap you’ve made there @Angelina82 The OP’s been insensitive but she’s not a Disney villain step mum.

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