I've taken a big step back from in-laws AIBU?

[deedpollnamechanger]

I have had a rocky relationship with my in-laws over the years. I am pretty sure I would have got on with FIL and DH's siblings who are easy going but because I don't do as I am told by MIL, and they are terrified of her, I am pretty sure I am her arch nemesis. It's pretty typical DIL/MIL stuff. In the past I've had to spend loads of time with them all on holidays, weekends away, days out, parties and meals out and it's like as if there is a bad smell in the room i.e. me.

In contrast, my DH does absolutely NOTHING with or for my family, even though he thinks they are all great. He has seen my parents once in the past 2 years. He spoke to one of my siblings briefly at a party last year and hasn't seen or spoken to the other for about 3 years. I am in regular contact with my family. We don't live near them, but neither do we live near his parents. My DH can be sitting next to the phone and my parents/ siblings name will come up and he'll let it go to answerphone. In contrast, I have to be passed the phone when anyone of his lot call up because otherwise I am rude. My family may as well be unknown Fred and Vera down the street whereas his have to be included in almost everything, usually with me doing all the wife work to facilitate it.

Well, I've had enough and I've taken a few steps back. In the past I have gone along with it to keep the peace between DH and I and DH and his family but I have actually had enough of it. I've also gone F/T recently and I don't want to spend my spare time with them.

I have told DH to go up there on his own or with DC (teens who don't want to go). I've told him I am not hosting Christmas and told him they are not being invited to something we are doing in a few weeks. I am not trying to fall out with them, or be massively rude. I just think that if I can facilitate my relationship with my family on my own, why can't he? He's just lazy and doesn't want to poke the dragon.

Who is BU here? I don't feel guilty or bad, he just thinks I am BU.

100% YANBU. There is your answer 😊

If I could have hit YANBU several times I would have

I think you can just withdraw and not even mention it. It's a pity you already mentioned it to your DH because you could have done it in a sneaky way and they may not have even noticed!

but you are definitely not being U. Life is too short to waste on people who bring nothing to our lives.

DOnt waste time on people who bring negativity to our life.

If he wants maximum effort from you towards his family then he needs to put the effort in with your family.

Sounds reasonable to me. He sounds hypocritical. YANBU!

I have a bestie who could have written this. The answer is YANBU to go NC. This behaviour indicates it is as mumsnetters say a DH problem. Please be selfish about having a happy life. I know my bestie has and she is so happy right now with how she spends her time without toxic IL’s

God, the double standard is just shocking. I mean, I get on quite well with my PIL but if I had to speak to them on the phone every time DH does, I'd go crazy. This is completely ridiculous and the fact that your DH has spent however long you've been together largely ignoring your family while you're expected to play nice with his all the time is actually pretty shocking.

I think lockdown has had a big effect on me. Even though my PIL have done nothing for our family, I've always felt a bit vulnerable that if there was an emergency with my DC, I'd have to beg them to help me out. Now that my DC are older, I feel less vulnerable because they are big enough to help me out if needed. Lockdown also showed me who my friends are, in a good way. I now realise that I do have a support network and some darn good friends, which works both ways. As I get older, these are the people I want to hang out with, want to be there in good times and bad and want to help out if they need it.

I feel a bit liberated. I'm not going to be rude to anyone and when I see them I'll be very polite and welcoming, just not as often. They've never wanted to know me. I've made massive efforts over the years, more than with my own family, and I'm just tired of it. I've kept my hand in because of the GC but they don't want to hang out with my DH's family either.

Its a bit late now but I think, as @Brefugee mentioned, the best way to go low contact without causing a fuss is by not announcing it and just quietly withdrawing.