To tell them DD doesn't want anything for her birthday?

[blacoffee]

I know I am, I would just like to hear different opinions and/or solutions to this issue. DH is from a big family and I get on with everyone apart from his 2 sisters and their partners (them 4 are all very close to each other). We went to my nephew's (DH's brother's son) birthday 'party' last weekend and I overheard his 2 sisters whispering saying that they hate having to buy birthday presents for this nephew as they do for our DD due to our kids not being 'close' to theirs and because they don't see our kids as often as they do each other's kids (their choice). They then went on and on about how buying birthday presents or even giving money to my nephew and DD is such an effort and that they hate spending their money on them. It made me feel very uneasy listening in to this and I wanted to step in and say something but I was so taken aback that it left me speechless. I've been thinking more and more about it and it just doesn't feel right. I love both my DD and nephew and it makes me so sad as I don't think children should be treated like this. DD's 2nd birthday is in 3 weeks and we will probably hold a little party for the children in the garden (if allowed) and we will have to invite them. AIBU to tell them that DD doesn't want anything for her birthday this year and to not bother? (I will of course get her extra presents)

Why would you invite them after that?

@blacoffee Yeeeeesh! That's pretty shoddy behaviour on their part. Can you start distancing from them at all? It doesn't sound like they're enjoying yours or your DD's company particularly, it might be a welcome option for all. I'd say even if you don't want to distance completely, I'd still advise not inviting them to the party unless your DD desperately wants them there - if they pull you up on this (which I doubt they will as they seem emotionally unavailable) you can always say something along the lines of; "wasn't sure about the numbers of people allowed due to covid right now, and figured it might be a long journey / tiring / expensive for you etc etc". If your DD is 1, bordering on 2, you have ample opportunity to protect her from malicious people before she remembers who they are / gets very emotionally attached. I think even if they don't come, maybe get her a few extra prezzies just to undo their bad energy (but maybe I'm a bit hippy-dippy in that sense).

Sorry for long message. Hope this helps! x

@Merryoldgoat Trust me, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't. DH asked me to keep peace with them because it just makes everyone's life easier and drama free. Every time something like this happens and I say something, MIL gets involved and tries to get us all to get along again for the sake of the children and the entire family. It's bollocks. I am civil with them but we stay out of each other's ways and if I can avoided them, I will. Unfortunately, I also don't think it's fair if their kids (my nephews) can't come to DD's party because their parents are assholes.

Don’t invite them or mention anything about a party. The petty side of me would say ‘save your money I know you don’t like wasting it on my dd’ if questioned, but you could say no visitors due to the virus if you want to save arguments.

Fuck that. Send them a message saying you overheard them at x party and that they are of course invited but that they need not bring a present, however you understand if they don't want to come along at all.

Then just leave it. I wouldn't let it slide.

In that case I’d drop them a message and say ‘having a little party for DD on _ - hope you can all make it. Don’t bother with presents - I know how stressful shopping for her is for you - just bring the kids’

The more time I spend on this site the more I wonder why so many people are so spineless with their families (I’m referring to your DP - not you OP).

I'm sorry but they would not be getting an invite to my house, they sounds horrible!
I'd send them a message saying you'd like to stop all gift giving with them, adults and children and completely put a stop to it now.
Why waste your time and money on people who say and think that about your child

You have the perfect excuse not to invite them round at the moment because of covid. Or you could be honest and say you overheard them and would understand if they didn't want to come. I would be too chicken to do the second option.

@peachpuppy thank you! I was thinking about j
not inviting them at all but it would cause more drama than inviting them to be honest and I just want to stay out of it all. Funny enough, if not invited, they get all funny and start bad mouthing me and playing victims. I remember 3 years ago, a family member organised a family hen party for me when I was getting married and I asked her to NOT invite both SIL's so she didn't and the drama they caused when they found out was just horrendous. After an invite because of the fuss, they never turned up. They would have made my night he'll anyway. It's a joke.

DH asked me to keep peace with them because it just makes everyone's life easier and drama free

Which is exactly why some people get away with awful behaviour really. They obviously weren't bothered about keeping the peace when they spoke the way they did.

Judging by everyone's comments I may be starting to think that IANBU at all. I agree, I am too chicken to say anything either. Aaaargh!!! I just wish we didn't have to socialise with them at all but it wouldn't be nice for the kids and MIL and I am aware of that. I could put it down to Covid but I think they may kick up a fuss about that too! I'm sure I'll think of something so they don't come to this party.

@blacoffee Do your family / whoever they're badmouthing to, believe those things about you? If not, they will be perceived as catty and childish (which they seem to be) and then hopefully excluded on the basis of not being tolerable to be around. If your family DO believe what they say about you, I think it's worth establishing if your family overall are worth being around...
I don't say that lightly, it's a huge change and takes a lot of getting used to, but believe me when I say it's a weight off your shoulders to not have to worry about anyone's behaviour or perceptions (particularly when your DD is young enough to hopefully not be upset!)
xx

@LagunaBubbles this 10000%. It makes my blood boil but DH just wants peace, no drama and prefers to avoid them as much as possible but he says that our kids shouldn't have to miss out on their cousin's parties because of their stupid parents.

@peachpuppy I don't think they say bad things about me(or anyone else in the family) to anyone other than in their little group of 4. Unfortunately for them, I've caught them whispering at family events quite a few times and tried to take no notice. They have never EVER made me feel comfortable and always cause a weird atmosphere when in the room. They can talk all they want about me, DH or whoever else but talking about children, especially their nephew and niece is just wrong and that's what got to me.

@blacoffee I think you and your DH's approach to civility for the sake of your DD is considerate, but possibly misinformed?

I didn't have any relatives close in age growing up, but I did have some friends and believe me when I say, any nice times with other children was almost instantly counteracted by their parents behaving poorly to me. If they can't even be bothered to be secretive when gossiping about CHILDREN, let alone babies, then I guarantee at some point your daughter will hear something through them when she's more grown up. This really damages self esteem, and she also might think she can't tell you or your DH about it because she also feels she needs to keep the peace due to the family ties.

Sorry if I'm a bit intense, but I just can't understand or respect anyone who talks badly about literal infants? Particularly at a child's birthday party? Horrible behaviour. xx

Don’t invite them and if they query it say it’s down to lockdown rules. Only 6 people can meet outside

Don’t say a thing! But send them a suggestion for a very expensive present that DD would like and guilt them into buying it ... that’ll serve them right!
Whatever you do, don’t give them the satisfaction of getting out of it. If they decide ‘not to buy’ then they can be the bad sheep. Don’t make life easy for them. The horrible witches ...

@Dee1975 That would be satisfying as hell, but dyou think it might be sinking to their level? xx

Be completely honest . As gamer chick said. Why should you have to play their games. “Dear SILS I overhear you both saying how much you don’t want to buy presents for my DD. As you know it is her birthday party coming up. dH is very keen for the cousins to spend time together. I agree and he would like you to come and bring your DC. But after hearing your conversation about DD there wouldn’t be much point in bringing her a present or exchanging gifts in the future.

I’d send that and I wouldn’t ask dH or mil for input either. You weren’t spying on them they had this conversation right in front of you and I bet they knew you could hear them. Call them out on this and don’t let them make you run around after them. It’s as harsh doesn’t Iow the situation but it’s down to them ad it’s unfair to expect you to “keep the peace” I s not keeping the peace it’s just having to suffer their crap behaviour and now it’s affecting your DD. When I read your post I thought your DD was a teenager but what kind of person bitches about buying a gift for a little two year old when they are often so happy and overjoyed with the smallest thing that it’s a pleasure to see them have a gift.

Sorry my phone did a bit of predictive text there.

I think if it was me I would say don’t want to fall out but I over heard your conversation about buying gifts for the children just wanted you to know that you really don’t have to buy for them.

Make her squirm

Are they close to their cousins? I don’t really get why people force relationships with people they don’t like just because they are family. You don’t owe them anything and who cares if they kick off?