To ask if you make eye contact with others as you walk past them?

[RainyMonday]

When you are walking past others (in a street, in a corridor, walking past someone's desk, etc) do you make eye contact with them and smile? If so, do you do this with strangers and colleagues?

I only ask as recently I have realised that I avoid looking at others when I walk past them. I think it is fine in the street with strangers but I noticed when I was in a new environment for work which involves walking around my building lots (rather than just sitting still all day), I feel really awkward when I walk past colleagues. My default reaction is to look down to the floor or start fiddling with whatever I am holding or something and pretending I don't notice them but I realise that probably comes off as rude so I now make myself look up at others and smile. I was surprised to see that every person I looked at was already making eye contact with me and now I feel so rude and embarrassed for all the times I unintentionally brushed people off.

Sorry for the weird question. I grew up very shy and whilst I have largely grown out of that shyness I think this is perhaps a relic of that former self. Also where I grew up and at the secondary school I attended looking at others was seen as confrontational so that may have contributed to this a little too.

I only make eye contact if I know the person. Or if we have moved out of each other's way for social distancing to say thank you. I live in a city.

Cheetas are you aware that for some people eye contact is physically uncomfortable? It's a bit like having a belly full of snakes. They're not setting out to disrespect you personally.

Never in the street. I'm always aware of the people shaped things around me, but I never look at faces. Friends and acquaintances have to try very hard to attract my attention if they see me at random - to the point that they are a bit shocked at how hard it is to do - I won't make eye contact unless I hear someone speak my name or, if I have headphones in, they have to practically block me from walking before I'll look at their face.

I think it stems from my youth, when street harassment was such an everyday occurrence that I learned to always keep my eyes down, or I'd invariably get a rude, sexual comment directed at me if I happened to accidentally make eye contact with a man.

Saying hello is least uncomfortable, then smiling, then eye contact (most uncomfortable). It's probably worth keeping in mind that a sizeable proportion of people who can't feel comfortable following the 'rules' probably wish they could follow them easily. Maybe cut them a bit of slack.

@Newbracelet

Cheetas are you aware that for some people eye contact is physically uncomfortable? It's a bit like having a belly full of snakes. They're not setting out to disrespect you personally.

This is it for me! I would feel rude just making eye contact but not smiling or saying hello. I'm so awkward!

But why is it uncomfortable? I mean I get that some people with autism have difficulty but otherwise...

It’s an acknowledgement that you are colleagues rather than total strangers.

If I did that walking through some of our offices, I'd never be looking where I was going.

In fairness, my colleagues are strangers to me and me them. I know only what they do at work and that's all they know about me.

@purpleme12

But why is it uncomfortable? I mean I get that some people with autism have difficulty but otherwise...

I think for naturally introverted people it is more difficult and the autistic spectrum is very wide

Generally, yes.

It just is uncomfortable. Some people might have a reason but for others it's just the way they are.
Personally, having people I'm not very familiar with looking into my eyes feels incredibly intrusive. And don't get me started on all that social kissing without so much as a 'may I'.🤣

@DopamineHits

I struggle with this, and had the "what you looking at" thing at school so kept my head down

This! I feel like people who walk around with open smiles and easy eye contact never went to a rough council estate comprehensive where being caught looking in someone's direction could be genuinely dangerous...

Yep this is the kind of secondary school I went to. When I was in year 7 I once accidentally brushed past one of the year 11s when I was going up the stairs and she shouted at me along with her group of friends even though I apologised profusely. It was awful and embarrassing. That kind of thing happened all the time for minor things like looking at someone "the wrong way".

I’m totally with those who went to “rough” schools. I suffer with neck pain from walking around looking at the ground as a teen. Now I’m head up but straight ahead. I hate being looked at, probably for the reason above, not just being beaten up but having a comment about my appearance, clothes, hair or general judgement. I’m surprised when someone says hello as I didn’t see them. It’s hard to shake a habit that kept you safe in the past. It’s certainly not helpful in a middle class setting when many people are from very comfortable family homes and went to nice schools, albeit with different issues.

Oh and if someone does say hello I wasn’t looking so they might not be talking to me so I end up smiling in case it’s not me, rather than look like a nutter saying hello to them.

Thank you all for the replies! I am so relieved that others are the same as me. I was a bit worried as every time I have made the effort to look at others they have been making eye contact with me and I thought it was some unspoken rule that everyone but me knew!

I will definitely make the effort to make eye contact with others and smile. A lot of people have brought up dog walking and yes, often others will smile and say "good morning" or "good evening" and I think it is so lovely. I want to be more friendly like that.

I do think I do it as a protective mechanism from my teenage years that has persisted that I want to work on.

@Newbracelet

Cheetas are you aware that for some people eye contact is physically uncomfortable? It's a bit like having a belly full of snakes. They're not setting out to disrespect you personally.

Whatever their reason for doing so, it feels rude. The fact that they are not intentionally being rude doesn’t change my gut reaction to the way they are behaving.

@PhilCornwall1

It’s an acknowledgement that you are colleagues rather than total strangers.

If I did that walking through some of our offices, I'd never be looking where I was going.

In fairness, my colleagues are strangers to me and me them. I know only what they do at work and that's all they know about me.

But the point is you acknowledge them because they are right in your line of vision, precisely because you are looking where you are going!

And I didn’t say you had to know anything about your colleagues in order to simply not avert your gaze as you walk past them. You know they are colleagues because of where you are. I have no idea what jobs half the people in my building do, much less their names. I still look them in the eye as I walk past them in the corridor. But then I also look strangers in the eye in the street unless in a very busy place.

@ShastaBeast

I’m totally with those who went to “rough” schools. I suffer with neck pain from walking around looking at the ground as a teen. Now I’m head up but straight ahead. I hate being looked at, probably for the reason above, not just being beaten up but having a comment about my appearance, clothes, hair or general judgement. I’m surprised when someone says hello as I didn’t see them. It’s hard to shake a habit that kept you safe in the past. It’s certainly not helpful in a middle class setting when many people are from very comfortable family homes and went to nice schools, albeit with different issues.

Yes I definitely agree. I remember the groups of students who would hang around in corridors and walking past them was always nerve-wracking as you could get insulted or berated in front of everyone. Some of my friends even got followed walking home from school by groups of older students shouting insults at them. It was awful. Learning to keep your head down, eyes to the floor and being invisible was important unless you were naturally confident and brazen.

On a slightly different note I also remember being teased a lot for getting good grades and having to hide the fact that I cared about my GCSEs and revised for them as caring about education meant you were a geek and could get you bullied.

I agree that it makes transitioning to middle class settings difficult as the very behaviour you learnt to protect yourself can now harm your career.

I find it incredibly uncomfortable and will almost always avoid eye contact. It stems from having very low self esteem as a teen and assuming that nobody would want to speak to me.

I'm usually pushing the baby in the pram so tend to adjust her blanket/toys/pram hood as I approach so I don't have to make eye contact.

Yes.
This is one of the reasons I really dislike face coverings.
As humans, we express so much with our faces, without needing words. When our faces are covered, that is all lost.

I often communicate with people - in the office, in the street, waiting in a queue, without needing to say anything - it is with a change of expression. I would find it odd if there was someone I saw quite often in the same work environment if they refused to look at me, if they didn't have a sensory processing disorder.

I have always been a smiley person and I have been told by some that it is exhausting to have to smile back every single time I walk past their desks . But luckily for them peri menopause + lock down has made me become a frowning, look at the floor and avoid all eye contact as much as possible, miserable bitch.
Plus I still get a tiny bit of unwanted attention, but from the very worst type of men - trust me, I am not bragging.