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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at DM's comment about DD?

45 replies

mothertoteens · 18/08/2020 17:04

Met up with my parents earlier today, first time we've seen them in person since Feb. The topic of schools came up, to which my mum said "I think schools need to go back so that [DD15] can get some exercise, she's gained a lot of weight." DD heard this, she was part of the conversation. She hasn't gained a lot of weight. AIBU to be pissed off that my mum said this, and especially to a teenage girl?

OP posts:

Dorisdaydream2 · 18/08/2020 18:21

I wound have been furious! I had a similar experience with my dm. First time she had seen my 16 yr old dd for months she screwed her face up said ‘what has she done to her face? (Dd has discovered makeup), what is she wearing? I don’t like it. Her hair is too long you need to cut it’. That was it! Nothing nice to say at all. Dd looks beautiful!

Goatinthegarden · 18/08/2020 18:23

It was mean and uncalled for for your mother to say something in front of DD.

I must admit though, lockdown seems to have had an effect on the health of our children. A high number of have been returning to my school over the last week (teacher in Scotland) looking like they have put weight on over lockdown. The difference is probably more obvious though when you haven’t seen the children for a while.

Namechangearoo · 18/08/2020 18:59

@Yester

If your Mum was genuinely concerned about your DDS weight she should of told you quietly away from your DD.

This with bells on.

MintyMabel · 18/08/2020 19:45

This may not be your experience but if someone who hadn't seen her for a number of months .. it MAY be true.

Fact or not, totally out of order for a grandparent to say stuff like this in front of kids. My mum did it once to DD and she was told on no uncertain terms to never do it again. MIL has done it too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with DDs weight.

Mum did it to me all my life. There are ways of dealing with these things and throwing out comments like this is not the way.

Original poster

mothertoteens · 18/08/2020 21:27

Of course I told her not to say it again, although thinking about it this may not be the first time she's said something . I know DD's not overweight, she's put on a couple of pounds over lockdown but she was very close to being underweight before lockdown, now she's around the middle of the healthy BMI category. She wears size 8 (and is 5'8), I could only dream of that!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2020 21:34

You told her not to say it again, that’s it? That’s all you said? And you don’t “think” it’s the first time. And she’s five eight and a size eight? That’s low end of Bmi. All day long. Potentially even under weight.

Are you actually being serious right now?

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 18/08/2020 21:34

No wonder young girls get eating disorders I wish people would think before they open their mouths.

I remember a friend saying her daughter was crying inconsolably at the thought of going on holiday and having to wear shorts/swimwear as she would look so fat in them. She was a size 8 and she was really really upset to the point she just about didnt want to go on the holiday

onlinelinda · 18/08/2020 21:41

You were definitely in the right to tell her not to repeat that.

Not everyone needs to rant and rave to get their point across.

Happynow001 · 18/08/2020 22:17

@mothertoteens

Of course I told her not to say it again, although thinking about it this may not be the first time she's said something

. I know DD's not overweight, she's put on a couple of pounds over lockdown but she was very close to being underweight before lockdown, now she's around the middle of the healthy BMI category. She wears size 8 (and is 5'8), I could only dream of that!

Wow me too OP. I'm heading in the somewhat general direction, according to the scales, but I'll never ever be a size 8 again. Probably for the best... 🌹

1Morewineplease · 18/08/2020 22:23

Your mum was wrong to say this in front of your daughter but, if your mum hasn’t seen her for a while, she will notice a weight difference.
Are you absolutely sure that your daughter hasn’t gained weight? When we see someone every day, it’s easy not to notice.
I suspect your mum was trying to be helpful in a crass kind of way.

june2007 · 18/08/2020 22:25

So she has gained weight then, but it sounds like this was a good thing. Perhaps she has been worried because of the news as well.

DishingOutDone · 18/08/2020 22:43

5' 8" a size 8 and people are still talking about the DD needing to lose weight.

Ohtherewearethen · 19/08/2020 06:12

I really don't think a comment like this can or ever should be interpreted as 'helpful' and I wonder if the posters saying it might be are the type of people who would make inappropriate comments to teenagers and then claim, wide-eyed, that they were just being 'helpful'. There is nothing remotely helpful about publically and cruelly humiliating a teenage girl about her body. In fact, it could be one of the most damaging things somebody could say.

Namechangearoo · 19/08/2020 08:15

You told her not to say it again. That’s it?! Jesus. Your poor daughter.

Namechangearoo · 19/08/2020 08:17

And you’re not even sure if she’s said something like that before... I’m really horrified by how seriously (or not) you’re taking something that could have a real impact on your daughter, who was verging on underweight already. Grow a set of balls and do your job as her mother.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 19/08/2020 08:23

at pp saying its not enough to tell the DM not to say it again. Do you all want full NC?

Namechangearoo · 19/08/2020 08:29

Obviously not, but maybe a word about why it’s so damaging and how it’s not appropriate when OP’s daughter is underweight? OP’s response sounds really wishy-washy (especially combined with the “yeah actually she may have done this before and I didn’t even notice, let alone pull her up on it” thing)

IamTomHanks · 19/08/2020 08:37

Comments like that from my DM and DGM are one the reasons I suffered from anorexia for almost 2 decades. It's not acceptable.

Honestly, most children have probably put on a few pounds over lockdown, they are a lot less active (even if they are trying hard not to be), bored, sitting around, probably eating out of boredom. All of those things are a natural response to the situation.

But this situation will not last forever, and we need to remember that. They will eventually go back to normal, and the vast majority of children/teens will shed the few pounds they put on.

If we start shaming kids for something that is completely out of their control, we risk damaging our kids.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 19/08/2020 08:45

My nan said to me once thay l had got fat - really upset me cos every year at Christmas my mum brought it up in front if the family - please stand up for your daughter OP her gran needs to keep her horrible comments to herself

TheyThoughtItWasAllOver · 19/08/2020 09:19

I would be furious. Obviously your DM should not have said anything in front of your DD (if at all) and she should be told to watch what she says.

Most important now that it's happened is to make sure DD doesn't take it seriously. You could say that perhaps Grandma still sees her as a little girl and forgets that changing shape is all part of becoming a woman, and that will include putting on a bit of weight sometimes, which can just as easily be a good thing.

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