To ask how to deal with being constantly belittled by junior colleague

[Thesepretzelsaremakingmethirst]

Posting in AIBU for traffic and no nonsense advice!

I have a colleague who is 2 grades below me (I used to be her manager ~ 3 years ago and we used to have a good relationship). Let's call her Barbara. Although we are still part of the same small department (10 people in total) we do not share any specific projects any more, however every so often she will help oversee a couple of aspects of my projects if I cannot resource within my own team. I do not have any line reports at the moment but work closely with her line report on almost all my projects. The bulk of this line report's work is actually with me.

Over the last few months I have been getting increasingly annoyed by Barbara's attitude towards me. I feel like I have to confirm with her if I need any of her line report's time on my projects and that Barbara's projects automatically take precedence. When I have asked her to help with some of my projects it often gets blown out of proportion (e.g. on a couple of occasions she has bitten my head off when I have queried things with her, despite having had ample opportunity to discuss with me during 1-2-1 and group project meetings). I feel like I cannot give her any feedback and am now very reluctant to delegate my work to her.

I have just got out of a meeting with Barbara to discuss financial processes for a new customer (she has been working with this customer for about a year, I have just opened a new account with them - same company, different contact). I asked her how their organisation like to work and what their processes are like to be met with "oh they don't really have any processes, it changes all the time. You'll have to work it out with your direct contact". Every time I spoke on the call she spoke over me and cut me off - to the extent that I just stopped speaking in the end. Our boss was also on the call and Barbara was basking in the fact that there was something she could show me.

Barbara has a good relationship with our mutual boss - there is lots of camaraderie and joking around between them, our boss is much more serious when with me. I have been struggling a lot through lockdown (I'm the only member of my department with kids) and not been able to join in all the joking, banter and online social events that the rest of the team participate in (I hate them quite frankly - they often seem a bit fake, although that may just be me), and as a result feel a bit isolated from some of the team. I do feel that Barbara gets preferential treatment from our boss because they are friends and do not feel like I can raise this with our boss. Our boss is very fair and reasonable in other aspects and I cannot really fault them elsewhere. I cant stop them being friends!

Can anyone advise how I can deal with working with Barbara? I go out of my way to avoid her at the moment, both socially and in work-related projects. Our boss is aware of tension between us but I do not feel they can be objective with any advice.

The one thing that sticks out is that you are using her direct reports for your projects. Where you need to do this you really can't just start doling out the work to them without involving her. They're not your reports, they're hers. I'd be pissed off in her shoes.

Not much fun for the direct report either who must be aware of the tension and fell they're being pulled in two directions.

So, you either agree that her reports become yours; formally share them over fixed days, or grit your teeth and run their workloads through her so that everyone knows what they're priorities are.

"I feel like I have to confirm with her if I need any of her line report's time on my projects"

Umm, is this not pretty normal? I'd be a bit pissed off if one of my colleagues thought they could just start handing out work to people I manage, thereby pulling them off my projects, without checking with me first?

Yes, sorry I agree with PP. I’m identifying more with your colleague from your OP. The grade thing seems irrelevant, it’s her direct report - of course you’d need to ok their time on your project. And of course her own deliverables (projects) are going to be a priority for her. I think all the other stuff is a result of a bad team structure. Sounds like you need your own team member. I think it’s your line manager you need to talk to about this, to get your own resource.

I do agree with others, and i could see why she might have been off with you asking about the new client. She has spent a year building a rapport and working relationship with them, getting to know how they do things, and here you are two grades above her coming across like you want to piggyback off the work she’s put in instead of doing the same yourself (it could come across). It’s one of those things where if it’s a colleague you like and get on with, you don’t mind helping out, but if the two of you for whatever reason get on each other’s nerves a bit then it becomes yet another super irritating thing that winds them up.

... however if you feel that you are being discriminated against at work for not being able to socialise as much as childless colleagues, that’s shitty behaviour and indirect sex discrimination as well, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like that.

I feel like I have to confirm with her if I need any of her line report's time on my projects

Well actually you do as she's this persons line manager.

,Aubrey the rest of the team can sense that you don't have time for them or their jokey banter which, btw, is probably their way of getting through lockdown. It's been shit for everyone.

Barbara cannot possibly manage her team's workload if you keep giving them work without her knowledge, so of course you need to go through her.

However, you feel that Barbara is getting preferential treatment from your boss, and that is something that needs sorting. You'll need to raise it with your boss, but I wouldn't advise doing that until you have a clear record of occasions when the preferential treatment has happened. I know you don't think that your boss will be impartial, but it won't help matters to go straight to your boss's boss or raise a grievance with HR without having tried to sort it out with your boss.

Thanks a sorry meant to say I formally have 50% of the line report's time dedicated to my projects. I'd love to manage this person full time but Barbara has been wanting a line report for ages and so I don't mind not having one (less admin for me!)

I was only asking for advice on general processes (do they have deadlines for invoices) rather than trying to piggy back off the relationship she has built. As I said in my OP we are working with completely different day to day customers.

Appreciate the perspective from her side though - I hadn't thought of it like that