Is it me or him?

[lala290]

Name changed as it's outing. Been with my DH since we were teens, married early 20's now we are late 20's.

We've had 6 miscarriages together and I have bad endometriosis, Surgery every 2 years to get rid but I have month round pain and sex can be uncomfortable.

We have sex roughly twice a week, we both work long hours, I also have depression and anxiety which effects my sex drive.

We had sex 3 nights ago, we are currently on a mini break with family, not abroad.

Yesterday I woke up with pelvic pain, I only had surgery 4 weeks ago and I feel as if I'm still healing. I told him about my pelvic pain yesterday.

Last night he initiated sex and I said please can we not tonight as I don't want the pelvic pain to get worse, he immediately went quiet, I asked what was wrong? He said it's hard not having sex a lot when he loves me etc I agreed with him but I said you've known since we were teenagers I've suffered with this pain.

I ended up getting frustrated by him sulking like a teenager in bed, I snapped at him and said maybe he should do some research himself into endometriosis and he came back with "maybe you should do some research into being a wife".

This really really hurt me. I love him wholeheartedly, I'm loyal, I work hard, I keep our house clean and tidy. I show affection towards him, always cuddling, he has a bad back from a car accident and I do what I can to make him comfortable, pick his painkillers up from drs when he's working a long day and can't get there, tell him I love him every day. I don't feel as if I'm a bad wife at all but this morning I feel so upset by what he's said to me.

I don't know what to do really because I can't change my endometriosis pain and he can't change his sex drive? Where do we go from here :(

My husband would not dream of having sex with me if I was in pain. No decent man would. It is shocking you need to ask who is in the wrong here.

It's him, not you. I suffered with endo for 7 years before even getting a diagnosis so I know what you are suffering. I think you're being brave having sex at all so soon after surgery.

How are things between you other than sex - this stuck out from your post - I keep our house clean and tidy - why does this fall to you?

It sounds as though your endo is being treated, which is good, but if your latest surgery hasn't helped once it's healed, please don't give up because endo can and should be managed with medical help - you shouldn't have to live with chronic pain.

It's 100% on your husband to be understanding while you are in pain. It's totally unreasonable to expect someone to have sex when it's painful and he should be apologising for suggesting you need to research being a wife as that was an appalling thing to say.

In practical terms, if you still feel like sex with him, you would be best to look at non-penetrative options, but if he was any kind of husband he'd be exploring gently what you are comfortable with, not trying to guilt trip you into shagging him.

sorry but he is a selfish twat, has he not heard of dealing with his own needs or mutual pleasuring ? having said that if my dh ever spoke to me like that well, sex would be off the agenda for a long time. as for the sulking, so off putting in itself.

You’ve done nothing wrong. The problem in this instance is his attitude. He needs to get the hell over himself and understand he did wrong. Is this the first time he’s reacted like this?

Op that's awful and just wrong He is not being caring towards you but only thinking of himself.

Thank you everyone.

He's so caring and lovely normally, the subject of sex or lack of it makes him a not very nice person.

He thinks that if I can't have penetrative sex then I should pleasure him in other ways. So sorry for the graphics this morning but I don't know how else to put it really but when I'm in pain, my depression gets worse and I just don't feel like doing anything sexual. Which I understand on my part seems selfish.

The whole cleaning and keeping the house clean etc I do because he works 7 days a week most weeks as an electrician he is the breadwinner so I don't mind that as my weekends are free. I mean he's not lazy.

I just feel like telling him to leave and find somebody who can make him happy in that way but I love him and don't want that to happen, I feel as though I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He was a prick and should be groveling for forgiveness

He sounds like a twat - sorry OP.

Following the birth of both my children me and DH didn’t have sex for about a year on each occasion and he didn’t complain once.

Our eldest is 3 years old and I still suffer with abdominal pain following my c-sections and we probably have sex about once a month and he never complains because he knows it hurts sometimes.

If in the middle of sex I find myself in too much pain to go on I will ask him to stop, which he does straight away and he never complains or sulks.

You deserve better than him.

It is NOT selfish to not want to "pleasure" him when you don't want to. He is the selfish one for trying to make you feel bad about it. He can live without an orgasm for a few days or if hes really desperate he can do it himself in the shower. What a pig.

Also I think its sort of weird having sex when you're on a mini break with other people.

I think he handled it badly, but it is very frustrating when you want nothing more than to be sexual with your partner and they dont want to, for what ever reason. Especially if there is a lack of sex generally and not a recent issue. If he apologised for his behaviour it would be okay well dont talk to me like that again. But if he continued to sulk and didnt understand why you didnt have sex and put his needs above your own with out understanding then I'd be considering ending the relationship.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a dickhead. I could understand the argument that if you basically never had sex it would be "selfish" to fob him off, but three times a week is plenty and it's really worrying that you feel selfish for not doing more than that even when you are in pain. If he genuinely thinks that you have big problems.

@lala290

Name changed as it's outing. Been with my DH since we were teens, married early 20's now we are late 20's.

We've had 6 miscarriages together and I have bad endometriosis, Surgery every 2 years to get rid but I have month round pain and sex can be uncomfortable.

We have sex roughly twice a week, we both work long hours, I also have depression and anxiety which effects my sex drive.

We had sex 3 nights ago, we are currently on a mini break with family, not abroad.

Yesterday I woke up with pelvic pain, I only had surgery 4 weeks ago and I feel as if I'm still healing. I told him about my pelvic pain yesterday.

Last night he initiated sex and I said please can we not tonight as I don't want the pelvic pain to get worse, he immediately went quiet, I asked what was wrong? He said it's hard not having sex a lot when he loves me etc I agreed with him but I said you've known since we were teenagers I've suffered with this pain.

I ended up getting frustrated by him sulking like a teenager in bed, I snapped at him and said maybe he should do some research himself into endometriosis and he came back with "maybe you should do some research into being a wife".

This really really hurt me. I love him wholeheartedly, I'm loyal, I work hard, I keep our house clean and tidy. I show affection towards him, always cuddling, he has a bad back from a car accident and I do what I can to make him comfortable, pick his painkillers up from drs when he's working a long day and can't get there, tell him I love him every day. I don't feel as if I'm a bad wife at all but this morning I feel so upset by what he's said to me.

I don't know what to do really because I can't change my endometriosis pain and he can't change his sex drive? Where do we go from here :(

Here’s an idea. Claim you now find it kinky to (insert something that really inflicts pain on him and he tells you to stop) while having sex. Do it every single time. Wait for the conversation, draw the parallels. He sounds like a dick. Twice a week also not that bad, better than the large majority of couples I would hazard a guess. You are not the one being unreasonable.

@KitKatastrophe we have our own separate dwelling in the house. We are the only bedroom in this bit. I don't think it's weird. I wouldn't have sex in the room next door to my Dad if that was the case here.

@LouiseTrees that made me giggle. Thank you.

We spoke this morning and he said he knows it's not my fault but he has to tell me how he's feeling which of course I agree with but I don't see how we can solve this? My pain isn't going to go away and his frustration isn't either.

It isn’t selfish not to want to pleasure him while you’re not feeling in the mood. One-sided stuff can be a fun thing sometimes but you still have to want to do it! How can it be sexy when your partner is begrudging it and in pain?

Eugh what an unattractive whiner he is. And for twice a week! It’s hardly months between is it? Remind him of what masturbation is and tell him to get online if he needs some inspiration.

@lala290

We spoke this morning and he said he knows it's not my fault but he has to tell me how he's feeling which of course I agree with but I don't see how we can solve this? My pain isn't going to go away and his frustration isn't either.

He isn't telling you how he's feeling though is he? He's telling you he wants to have sex with you regardless of how you feel or whether you're in pain and blaming you for an illness that is outside your control.

He sounds like a prick.

He's perfectly capable of taking himself off for a wank if he's that frustrated, but it sounds like he'd rather cause you pain through sex than masturbate. Which tells you everything you need to know about how much he values you.

Ask him why he wants to have sex with you when he knows it hurts you?

You are a person. Not a function. You are not an appliance or an item. He can literally go fuck himself.

Introduce him to Mrs Palm and her five lovely daughters.

He's being very selfish

Good lord. And you describe him positively? You have set the bar low, OP

When you are in pain and don't feel able to have penetrative sex and don't feel up to giving a blow job, he needs to sort himself out

@lala290
Your oh is being an arse.
However, if you're needing surgery every 2 years, then your gynae is not treating the endo effectively, if at all. I would advise asking for treatment options, perhaps looking at the nice guidelines or/and asking for a referral to an endo centre.