To be terrified of going back to uni but to not know of any other options ?

[changemynn]

I feel I’ve fucked up my life massively .

I did a degree straight from leaving school in English . It was presented as the best option and I didn’t know what else to do . I worked for three years after for the NHS . My manager said I had two options for profession - I applied to do nursing, or I could do day release to college and get an SVQ in care .

I wanted to become an AHP so applied for a degree, got in and got accepted for funding . All good, I moved away but when I did home life went to shit (very complex circumstances around my parents, both of whom have their own major problems) . My family were very unsupportive of my decision and I was very much alone .

I didn’t cope very well . I ended up with a bit of a resurgence of agoraphobia that I had since I was a teenager, and self harm and various other stuff . Ball ones to 23 stone . Uni said I needed to take a break so I did . That was January 2019 .

I really desperately want to go back . Things at home are slightly better, and possibly manageable from a distance, but I’m terrified . I still don’t go out alone much at all, I’ve lost three stone in weight which feels good but the thought of going out fills me with dread . every time I go out, I panic I’m going to drop dead suddenly .

Part of me thinks going back to uni would sort of push me into recovery, part of me thinks it could go ten steps back and I’d be back to square one .

Uni are saying if I don’t go back, I can’t - as it’s two years out now - and I wouldn’t get funded again in later life (unless the law changes one day around student finance) .

I’m late twenties, no DC or marriage etc for context .

What am I best doing right now? Slowly starting to push myself even further and go for walks alone again, and then try to go to town alone etc?

Have you seen your GP?

I have yes, they said nothing much they can do, and now with Covid have explicitly asked people not to phone at all unless it’s very urgent . I’m on mirtazipine at a low dose to help me sleep, but haven’t seen or spoken to a doctor for a review since January now .

Sending hugs, it sounds like you’re in a really tough place. You also sound like a fighter though.
In your shoes, I’d go back to uni. You’ve got the funding, it’s either that or a job I assume? Both will be challenging for the same reasons but at least with uni you will be investting in your future and have an opportunity for personal growth. The uni will have student counselling services, make the most of them if and when you need them.

I think that whether it pushes you into recovery or makes everything worse is, to a large extent, down to you, because your experience will be what you make it. It’s okay to be frightened, heck it’s okay to be terrified. But is your desire to recover stronger than your fear? Maybe not every single day, but most of the time? If it is, you will be O.K.
I believe in you! And I don’t think you’ve fucked up your life

Firstly well done on the weight loss. 3 stone is incredible. Any tips?

I think you need an urgent review with your GP. This is a big decision and you need to explore what levers you have here. Is that "emergency only" message really current, as in is that what they are saying this week? Because we are 5 months into this now, and our GPs aren't swamped at all. Appts are mostly over the phone, and I think some GPs are sending patients to a neighbouring practice but you need a review of your mood, meds and anxiety to support this decision. No review or check in since Jan just doesn't seem appropriate when your mental health is interfering with your life to this extent.

Mirtazapine is quite possibly the worst drug out there for influencing weight gain, and you definitely do sound like a fighter. GP review is a good idea.

Oh OP, you have not fucked up your life, you're so young your life has barely begun! There are always options, and if you go back to uni and it doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you can't try something else. You sound like you've had a really tough time, but have started making some positive changes so far, good for you.

Ring your GP for another appointment, this is urgent, it is affecting your life and health so much. Cognitive behavioural therapy might be helpful for you (though I'm no expert).

Is your course a nursing course or another profession? If it's a nursing course, there are none degree routes into nursing now, that would be fully funded, so a bit of a plan b if it doesn't work out with your course. Good luck!