Household jobs - who is BU?

[DorsetCamping]

DH runs his own business, it's incredibly stressful especially since Covid but thankfully things are now on a more even keel. He is out of the house 7-6.30.
To support him I was SAHM for 8 years but now I have 3 jobs, working approx 25 hours pw with often very early or late shifts.

DC are 15 and 12 so have obviously been at home all through lockdown; my DM is also seriously ill and has been in and out of hospital for the last 4 months. Extremely worrying and frankly exhausting.

When I was a SAHM I naturally did the lion's share of chores, ferrying DC's, supervising homework, managing finances, shopping cooking etc etc - in fact probably 95% of anything that needed doing.

Now I'm back at work I'm sick of asking/telling DH he needs to step up and the resentment is building. We bought this shitheap of a house last year, which admittedly I agreed to, as he has grand designs on a huge building project. We are still waiting for the architects plans to come back (5 months plus but that's another story ) and in the meantime the place is falling down around our ears. Leaking pipes, kitchen cupboards broken, doors/windows that don't open properly - yet he does nothing to sort these issues out ( he is more than capable but yes I have threatened to get someone in!) I just get told I'm nagging and don't I know how busy he is!

Things are marginally better since working late nights as I just walk out and tell him/DC what needs doing but I literally have to provide a checklist. He doesn't lift a finger proactively and the mental load is 100% still on me, despite working. Whilst still in term time I literally bored myself rigid asking him to check DC's homework on the odd occasion. He hated every second of it and only did it when I kept reminding him.

I've had it out with him too many times; we've made dozens of lists of everything that needs doing but literally within days he reverts or accuses me of being a controlling nag.

DC are helping out more but all they see is me getting increasingly cross and DH playing the hard done by, overworked breadwinner. He stormed off this morning on a overnight trip and we literally haven't communicated since last night.

Utterly miserable but don't know what do?

Yanbu. I have the same problem the weeks I work.

Assuming he works Monday to Friday he works 32.5 hours more so I’d expect the other person to spend those hours if needed on the house side. I’d expect it of DH in that situation.

Bigger DIY jobs at the weekend split between them. I get that living in a house that needs a lot of work is stressful but the general day to day with high school aged children and only part time hours shouldn’t be that bad at all.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss fair point and I do accept that It's fair I do more as I don't work as many hours.

But...where does the line get drawn and I consistently end up working way more than him (albeit unpaid)? Yes my formal work is only 25 hours pw but how about doubling it doing everything in the house?

Even if you are doubling the hours worked of 25 to 50 with housework, you’re still working fewer hours than him as his are 58hrs per week.
And why can’t you fix cupboards and pipes?

You need to give allowances to the fact he is out almost 12hrs everyday. After eating, showering and catching his breath he had maybe 1hr free time a work day. How much time do you have?

I agree with you OP. He should be stepping up to help more, without you having to nag about it. Honestly it is so boring, and then watching them complete whatever you asked to with the petty attitude of a teenager or younger child is just a joke.
I don’t have any advice though, just wanted to commiserate.

If he's back from work 6.30 onwards every evening, could he be responsible for cooking dinner every night?

Why are you only threatening to get people in to do the work that immediately needs to be done?

Presumably the urgent items are on one of the lists - so get that sorted. Not that it should be down only to you... but you’ll have the benefit of not being pissed off by the broken cupboards any more AND he might take you more seriously. Threatening it but not doing it just undermines your position.

Aside from that... step back.
Sure, you work a lot less hours so pick up more home jobs than him to the point that it’s fair. But your kids are 12 and 15. Let them manage their own homework or face the consequences.

You may still decide that your husband is taking the piss, and you want to end your marriage. But before I made that final decision, I’d have a go at just doing what was fair (based on my hours) and seeing what happens when I don’t do everything, but also don’t tell other people to.

The house is a separate issue to me. Are you expecting him to do more of the fixing up than you, because that’s a “man” job? (sorry to ask!) Is the architect delay his fault? Do you expect things to get moving once the plans are in? I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t do minor repairs to something not dangerous, if the big job were starting in the next year. My husband though, would want to. We’re both good people, but different!

I don't think its reasonable for you to carry all the mental load. In reality the mental load plus at the extra work you do means you are working a lot more than him. I think he needs to step up and take some more responsibility. His working hours are long but that does not mean he has time for nothing. Will there be a time when he's calm enough to discuss this? Talking about it when tempers are frayed is probably not helpful.

Get in touch if you need a decent reliable architect in the south east.