Living with a man child

[hadenoughpassthewine]

OH and me have been together for 7 years, have a 3 month old and both sleep deprived so a little tetchy with each other at the moment. I feel he's not pulling his weight but I always get told how lucky I am to have him so AIBU? Here's just a snippet of what's getting on my nerves.

• he's always 'half a job' I.e. he'll put a wash on but 'forgets' to hang it out unless I ask or starts washing the babies bottles but doesn't get round to putting them in the steriliser - this is the same for any job he starts, I end up finishing them
• doesn't cook unless it involves a bbq
• will pass the baby to me when the baby is being too 'difficult' - basically when crying
• when he does the night feed he sleeps through the baby being unsettled so I end up being awake half the night anyway
• never cleans the bathroom or kitchen ever - his only main job is hoovering and mopping, even then I have to remind him to do that
• leaves shoes everywhere - I tripped over once with babe in arms in the dead of night because he'd just left his work boots strewn
• drops his rubbish where he sits and never picks it up such as chocolate wrappers, coke cans etc
• actually just generally throws everything on the floor and leaves it there like his manky dirty work clothes
• thinks when the baby is asleep and he's in charge that playing his games console is a priority over everything else

They all seem pretty petty in the cold light of day. I'm also giving the cons, there are definite pros or else he'd be out the door...I'm just pissed off and don't feel generous enough to vocalise them 😬

So what are the pros?

I'm just saying.....Dick and money aren't that great as Pros

What is the point of him ?

Holy cow, does he have ANY good points? Manchild definitely.

eugh - get rid.

speaking from experience

Haha...I really haven't put him in a good light at all...these really are the worse points! The PlayStation thing he's admitted himself tonight that he knows he's taking the piss and will stop it.

Pros: @Leaannb dick and money clearly. I joke but neither of those are a con either He's very emotionally available and adores me...he's never made me feel insecure, would never hurt me and is probably the most affectionate and caring man I've ever been with. Just wish practically he was a bit more on the ball.

It's hard when everyone tells you how lucky you are to have someone and made to feel unreasonable when I get pissed off as I apparently 'don't know how good I've got it'. Yes he's lovely...he's also a man child. I blame his mother completely.

Please don't blame his Mother. She might be an absolute bumhole, but the decision to live like a lazy pig is his, and as a functional human adult he is capable of picking his shit up and simply chooses not to.

I'd struggle to cope with someone that lazy. I'd also struggle not to shove the wrappers up his left nostril while he sleeps.

Don’t blame his mother, ffs!

He’s a grown man, he is making deliberate choices everyday not to step up and be a competent adult.

How can you feel adored, either you or your baby, by someone who cares so little about your comfort, you having a clean pleasant home, who thinks he’s too good to put his own rubbish in the bin, who thinks he’s too good to care for a distressed baby, who thinks he’s too good to cook, who thinks it’s your job to do all the shit work?

Did he suddenly become like this after the baby arrived? Perfect man who treated you as an equal until he became a dad? No?

No one has ever told me I'm lucky to have my husband - I am, he's lovely, but it's a very odd thing for people to be telling you regularly. Who is it? His family? Obviously if its him then that's not just odd, its creepy and a bit gaslight-y for someone who clearly cant be bothered to look after his own child and expects you to clean up after him to be telling you.

Why’s his mum to blame? You’re the one cleaning up his mess

I joke with blaming his mother...kind of. She never taught her children to be independent...they are all like it because she considered it 'her' job to run round after them. The man had his ironing done for him ffs until he left home...he does in fact do that himself now.

To be clear, I was fucked off earlier and was probably being a little unfair. OH is far more aware of his shortcomings than his siblings. These really are his worse points but yes, I agree he is responsible for himself as a grown arse man to pick his own shit up which I tell him on the regular.

And by everyone, I mean everyone! His family, my family, my friends and mutual friends...I'm seen as quite head strong and assertive so I think I'm considered a lot to handle I suppose although I disagree completely 😂

Do you love him?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Talk to him.

I don’t think what you outlined is at all funny tbh.

He doesn’t think caring for his child is his job.

He literally chucks rubbish on the floor expecting you to pick it up for him because he thinks he’s better than that and you’re not.

He’s treating you with a low level of contempt every time he half arses housework and childcare. Love is an action. You know his behaviour isn’t acceptable but don’t want people pointing it out to you so you’re back peddling.

Being aware of his learned helplessness/bone fucking idleness makes it worse.

I think you have misread your audience

We don't really do "shucks, men eh ?" here. We also don't blame women for the inadequacy of males

Yours sounds lazy and disrespectful. Your children are being taught some damaging lessons right there.

Oh dear Op what did you expect nothing you have told us about his behaviour makes him a catch.
Why do people tell you you are lucky is he great when others are around,?
He will either turn you into a nag or the love bombing will stop..you are both adults...not just you he needs to grow up.

I didn't say he didn't care for his child...he struggles when he's raging and panics slightly. As I said I was being slightly unfair earlier as in my opinion I think he should just get on with it but he knows the baby will calm down straight away with me and he hates seeing our child in any distress. It's very much a confidence thing rather than laziness. Again, I'll take that one on the chin for drip feeding where I was irritated earlier on.

He does most morning feeds when not working and does bath and bedtime bottle every night. If he's off work, we're equally care for our child. He doesn't shirk away from his child caring duties but does with some of the household chores. I'm also jealous he can sleep though the baby being unsettled which I suppose really isn't his fault.

@AnyFucker I suppose so...noted.

Cheers for the advice all. I think I forgot that unless you give the full blow by blow breakdown of a relationship that you can't really get a true picture of what's going on and I have baby to put to bed so night all.

"They all seem pretty petty in the cold light of day."

No, that list is pretty depressing to read. I would be rocking in a corner after 7 years of putting up with that shit.

I am sure he loves his child but he doesn't respect himself, you or him enough to set him a good example.

Sobering thought

There was recently a thread in here where many posters claimed that there was no such thing as just a lazy man child. They are either good partners or abusive. He doesn't sound abusive so maybe you're thread is an example of lazy man children actually existing?

Sorry just making a point. If he's otherwise a good partner, and he'd have to be because this is some bullshit. Have you talked about what his role should be? As if he just thinks it's a woman's role you're on a hiding to nothing. But if he can understand he's taking the piss there's a bit of hope perhaps. What was he like before the baby?

Have a good think, op

What you are settling for really isn't good enough. It might not be a LTB situation....yet.

Sorry OP, but why start this thread? If your con points are true, then who the hell tells you you're lucky to have him?! His mum?

He's the one whose lucky to have you!

Christ. Listen to yourself woman. Why post if you're going to defend his shitty behaviour. Your baby is new, this is usually when women start to become enlightened (IME anyway) so it's good you're starting to question these things - shows you're on the right track to awakening your inner feminist!

May I suggest lesson 1: If you're going to blame someone - why not blame his father for being a shit role model? Despite what we're conditioned to think - it's not always the mother's fault...

OP: My husband is a lazy arse who expects me to look after him and our child and does six all.

Mumsnet; get a grip and don't accept his lazy arse ways

But he is so loving 'eyes twinkling' you don't know him like I do even though his lazy arse ways nearly killed me and the baby 'twinkling laugh' He's a man, I'm so grateful to have one as in so indoctrinated.

Mumsnet: Then go be his sex and housework slave.We absolute you. Sigh. See you in two years.