Name changed for this one in case anyone recognises me from real life but I’ve posted about similar recently so it may be pointless. I suppose this isn’t really an AIBU but I’m desperate for some advice.
I’m 27, I had my first relationship in 2018 and he was my first everything really. In 2019 he dumped me by text. In fairness he was reasonably nice about it (as nice as you can be dumping someone by text) the whole cliche of “it’s not you it’s me” “I miss being single” “I don’t want to string you along” etc... However I’d put on a few stone (wasn’t skinny before we started dating either!) because I need to be on long term steroids and I also have pretty bad skin due to chronic eczema. Basically I was well aware I wasn’t a catch so to speak. I strongly suspect these were the real reasons for the break up and he just wasn’t being honest. Mainly because when we were together he’d make comments like “oh you’ve got that rash again- what are you going to do” “you should eat healthier” etc...
I feel stupid about how I feel because In the grand scheme of things it was a short relationship but I’m actually heartbroken. It’s been over a year and I’m still crying every day. I feel broken and humiliated and I have a constant knot in my stomach. I’m shaking all the time and I feel like I can barely keep it together. I can’t stand the way I look and looking in the mirror makes me cry too and makes me think no wonder he dumped me. Seeing the road sign of somewhere we’d go sets me off or walking past a restaurant we went to. I’m barely sleeping and I keep replaying conversations we had in my head and thinking about all the personal things I told him which id never told anyone before and how stupid I was. I tried joining OLD a while ago to pull myself around and came across his profile and ended up feeling even worse. I’ve just removed him from social media to see if it helps but I just can’t cope like this anymore. I lay awake at night playing our entire relationship through In my head thinking of how I could have been better.
I’ve spoken to the GP and been given antidepressants and I’ve tried CBT but nothing’s helping and I just can’t pull myself around and get rid of the humiliation/anxiety.
I’m desperate and sick of feeling worthless and like I’m not good enough for anyone so if anyone has some helpful advice I’m all ears 