This is a long one, so I apologise in advance. I just feel like I need to get my thoughts together and this is playing on my mind a lot recently. Even more so after bumping into an old colleague and them mentioning it.
I returned to a company I previously worked for back in 2017. Everything was fine at first, it was a small team of 4 regular staff, 2 new, me and another longer term staff member. Everything was fine for the first few month, some stresses within the work place, but other then that we worked well as a team, and to this day I have no idea what changed that. It started small, little comments, 2 of the staff (who were the same level as me) being a bit bossy, sending instructions while I was on shift and they weren't. I didn't challenge this, as I didn't want to rock the boat and cause issues. Slowly these demands started increasing. I was getting messages while I was off shift, on a/l, on shift when they werent, telling me I was doing stuff wrong, or I should do this etc. I addressed it in a staff meeting, and made these staff aware that I suffered from an anxiety condition, and could they please stop messaging me outside of work as it was causing me to worry all of the time. I thought that would be the end of it, but instead it got worse.
Suddenly I was getting more messages, pretty much everyday constantly on my time off, I was being pulled up and told I was bad at my job if I hadn't done what they wanted me to do, even though I'd followed polices and my duties. I once had a full paragraph sent to me telling me how angry management would be because I forgot to make a clients bed in the morning after a sleep (a lot had gone off that morning and I hadn't had any sleep, human error). The 2 staff would randomly turn up while i was on shift to check on me, or if one of them was on shift with me the other would turn up. Sometimes they'd refused to speak to me on shift (why, I have no idea), they'd leave nasty notes in the communication book detailing things they thought I'd done wrong, and would text me when I was off work saying I'd hadnt done certain things such as the medication count, I'd spend all the time I was off worrying about it but when I returned to work and checked, I had done it. One incident in particular that sticks in my mind, is I was told I hadn't done the med count & when I returned to work I had in fact done it, but everything I had written had been crossed out and replaced with the exact same things I had written. If I ever couldn't swap a shift with them, the same things would happen. One incident that also stands out in my mind is when they returned from a clients holiday. They refused to give me a handover, refused to speak to me and spent most of the time in the garden whispering. Later that night one of the clients was sick all over their bed. If I'd have been told I could have been better prepared. Their behaviour was very hot and cold, sometimes they'd be nice to me, but other times they could be very manipulative and vindictive. If i ever questioned anything I'd be made to feel like I was the one in the wrong, or I must be confused. I believe this is gaslighting behaviour.
This went on for months, and I struggled to speak out about what was happening, my team leader was quite good friends with the both of them, and as they were always the ones who would pick up shifts, they were considered "good staff". Also when you work in such a small team for such long shifts (24 hours at a time-sleep ins) its so hard to speak up for fear of rocking the boat.
My confidence and self esteem plummeted, I was having constant panic attacks and constantly felt sick and had a headache i couldn't shake. I didnt sleep, and dreaded going into work. Everytime my phone went off I felt sick, wondering what i could have done this time. Eventually I spoke to my Dr, who signed me off for a week and prescribed diazepam to try and help me sleep. I opened up to another team leader, who told me she'd speak to my team leader. After this it stopped briefly, then started up again, which led to me handing in a 2 month notice.
Eventually I stuck up for myself, and reported it again to my team leader, who discouraged me from making a formal complaint, saying that she would have a quiet word. I thought that since I was leaving soon anyway and they couldn't do much more to hurt me. It went quiet for a bit, until one day I was pulled into the office and told I was being suspended for hitting a service user. This allegation was totally false.It was the worst moment of my life, I had a panic attack in the meeting room & the team leaders who were holding the meeting hadnt shut the door properly or made it known that there was a meeting going on, 3 different people walked in and saw me in that state. Ive never felt that humiliated before. As I was lone working there was no evidence either way. It turns out that the client had "told the 2 staff I'd hit them". I'll give you a guess which two the client apparently told.
The company practise during the investigation was poor, the two staff who reported me had telephone interviews, not face to face (for all the company knew the staff could have been with each other during those phone calls), and were allowed to make the joint statement together. The client was interviewed by the team leader, and never repeated the allegation again. I was offered no support, no back to work meeting, the allegation was not investigated properly, and wasnt kept confidential. I simply got a phone call saying my suspension was over but I was being moved elsewhere. I couldn't face going back, especially since it hadnt been kept confidential. After submitting a request for access I recieved a copy of their statements (the company forgot to take out the names of the staff). The staff who had been bullying me for months had made the allegation & there were a lot of things in there that weren't true. For example one staff member said that the client had had a settled few months and this came out the blue. If the company had invested properly, they would have seen in journals and mar charts, that the client had been unsettled for a few weeks, had regular PRN medication and had made several allegations about other service users and unknown people. The company didn't bother to do this.
Thankfully I had union support, who supported me through several meetings and a grievance. I took it as far as I could, until it got too much mentally. If I hadn't of had the union support I would have crumbled in those meetings. The response to my grievance from the company was to basically call me a liar. I never returned after the suspension meeting. I put in a sick note and spent the next few months with severe depression. I felt like my life was over, and didn't see the point in being alive anymore, due to the company and 2 staff not keeping it confidential I'd be forever stuck with the label of "abuser". Thankfully I had some amazing friends and family supporting me. Even though I was innocent. I became reclusive, would avoid going out as much as possible, if I had to go out I would spend hours trying to get my foot out of the door, consumed with the anxiety of bumping into people I know (its a small village, and the company is a big employer in the area). When I did get a new job, I would constantly worry and panic about situations that could happen and I refused to be in a room alone with anyone vunerable.
Its been 2 years since then, and it still affects me day to day. Ive been on and off anti depressants for 2 years, I avoid certain places on certain days because I know that staff from the company will be there. If I ever see anyone I know from the company, people who ive worked with, who I got on well with, I always think "Do they know? Do they believe I did that? Should I say hello to them? Should I pretend I didn't see them?"
I have frequent moments where I question my ability and have no confidence in myself. I still struggle to sleep, and have nightmares about it when I do. It shocking really to think that two people (who I doubt ever think about it, or actually care) could smash my life to pieces like this. I know the company can't be accountable for the initial behaviour of the staff, but what I do hold them accountable for is for allowing the behaviour to continue, for discouraging me to make a formal complaint, for not making sure that my suspension meeting was confidential, for failing to do a proper investigation and for failing to support me adequately.
I dont blame the client. They were a nice person, and in all honesty I struggle to believe they actually said I'd hit them, and if they did then I believe they was prompted to say it. As far as I'm aware they never repeated it, and the timing seems too convenient. I'd heard from a friend that when I left, all the arts and crafts things I bought for the clients were thrown away, and the 2 staff had moved on to their next victim. Its hard, as a proud person to say that I was bullied, harrased, gaslighted and mentally abused, but looking back I think thats what it was.
I think im struggling because I didnt get any closure, or a chance to speak out (which i really want to, but at the same time I'm petrified that people might believe that I did hit the service user). I feel like I'm OK for a while and then I'll get stopped in the street and asked about it, or I'll see something again and I'll just feel so helpless all over again.
Anyway I was speaking to someone and was told that I should be over it by now. In an ideal world I would be, but being accused of something so awful isn't something I feel is easy to get over. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?
Like i said im sorry this is so long and rambling. I kind of just needed a place to dump everything going on in my brain.